For the love of God and Pet of the Day
I get some interesting mail.
For instance, sitting on my desk is a letter from God.
Well.
I didn’t see THAT coming.
Why would God communicate with via the Postal Service? Why not a good old-fashioned bolt of lightning?
Relax. The God of the letter is not the God who lives in the infinity ZIP code.
This God is serving a prison term for robbery. He refers to himself as the “Jesus Satan himself,” and writes things like:
“I am d Lord they God. D author and finisher of d holy bible. Since u seek a proof of Christ Satan himself speaking in me.”
All righty then.
This God has nothing to do with eternal salvation. He writes: “I love them that love me, and those that seek me early shall find me, and I will fill their treasure … Call Western Union (at) 1-800-325-6000 … give them my name and DC # number with a credit car … give 500, get 25 million, 3,000 get 300 billions. …”
I think this God must be related to the fellow in Nigeria who wants to park his millions in my checking account.
If this God is the real deal he can make his own millions and call Western Union himself. He does not need me to tell him my credit card number. He should already know it. Right?
On another part of my desk I have a note from an unhappy Pet of the Day submitter.
Yes, I am the Pet of the Day editor. Your puppies and parrots and potbellied pigs go through me to reach the pages of the Daily News.
The Pet of the Day is not journalism, of course. It’s an amusement, like the crossword puzzle. But it is beloved, and I enjoy doing it.
To be fair, I publish the pets in the order I receive them. I will occasionally cheat if circumstances warrant, but for the most part Pet of the Day is a first-come, first-served service.
I have quite a backlog of Pet of the Day submissions, and sometimes the wait is so long people think I’ve rejected their kitties and cockatiels. That apparently was the case with this letter writer.
I published the photo of his pet, which I remember because it was very unusual. About two weeks later, while going through the Pet of the Day submissions, I encountered a second letter from this fellow. It read:
“Mr. Chicken(expletive deleted) – Candy(expletive deleted). Afraid to show (name of pet)’s picture? After 40 years , switching to U.S.A.”
Feel the love.
Apparently he thought I’d rejected the photo of his pet. Of course I didn’t, but he’ll never know because now he is reading “U.S.A.”
If a person can become that enraged over a photo of a pet, think of the damnation he might utter for something like world peace, or the election.
Best not let him and God get together. Otherwise, what rough beast, its hour come ’round at least, shall slouch toward Okaloosa County to raise Cain?
This column was originally published in the May 15, 2001 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is reprinted with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .