I want my cookie for losing weight!

This is me in 1985, standing at the door of my '84 Firebird. Wasn't I a sleek, svelte little punk? Image by Joyce Stone

Di you enjoy Thanksgiving?

I didn’t. I had a plate brimming with guilt, an extra helping of disgust, and I topped it off with a bowl of frosty self-loathing.

See, it’s the weight thing.

As in, I’m gaining weight. After 16 years of tipping the scales at 145 pounds, I’m starting to blimp out.

It’s all because I quit drinking and smoking.

Seriously. Back when I guzzled three six-packs of beer and smoked half a carton of cigarettes every day, I was a slim, svelte, lithe creature who could spring from bed with an eye-popping hangover and jog five miles, no trouble at all.

Now that I eschew alcohol in its every form, frown at smokers as I hurry by (hand over mouth-nose), and eat nothing but low-fat, vitamin-enriched fruits and vegetables, I feel like HELL. My gut hangs over my pants so extensively it’s giving me hernias. I can barely fall out of bed in the morning, and five miles along city streets is possible only if my body becomes snagged in the axle of a passing truck.

How did this evil thing happen?

“Metabolism.”

Some people are lucky to be born with a “high” metabolism. What this means is they can eat their body weight in fried lard every day and never gain an ounce, and have the cholesterol level of a Buddhist monk who has subsisted on nothing more than pure thoughts and serenity.

How nice.

The creeps.

Meanwhile, there are the Sad Sacks like me. Our metabolisms are “low.” We eat a Grape Nut and have to go purge, lest the waistbands of our slacks cut off the blood flow to our brains. Our arteries resemble root-clogged sewer drains. Our blood pressure reminds the doctor of that boiler scene from “The African Queen.”

That was my life story until 1979, when I stumbled across the secret to losing weight. It had nothing to do with cabbages.

It had everything to do with NOT eating, and what a splendid diet that was – for a young dissipated person with nothing to spend his money on but vice. You drink as much as you like, smoke as much as you like, and LOSE WEIGHT DOING IT! Never mind those chest pains and migraines. Everything equaled out on the Scales of Poundage. Sign me up!

I lived like that until six years ago, when the beer went bye bye. I actually LOST weight – a cookie for being such a good boy.

Last year, the smokes joined the beer. But did I get my cookie?

Apparently I got a whole BAG of cookies because BOOM! Instantly, my body took revenge for all the abuse I’d heaped on it. Flab rolls sprang forth. Nerves pinched. Joints ached. Pants cut into flesh. Lips started sweating – you’re in trouble when your lips sweat.

It had to be metabolism. Now that stimulates no longer forced my heart to pound sparrow-like, my other bodily functions slowed, energy consumption went down, fat stores went up. …

And the Michelin Man rolled forth.

If you hadn’t noticed, I RESENT this. I’m not trying to rationalize a return to the booze and smokes, but I WANT MY COOKIE for giving up those vices. I want to fit into my pants again.

I’m dieting now. I haven’t lost any weight, and I’m starving, and it’s Thanksgiving for crying out loud.

Give me my cookies – the entire bag, please.

This column was originally published in the Wednesday, Dec. 4, 1996 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .