You want election results? They’re going to cost you

We, the registered voters of Florida, are very happy the rest of you Americans have taken such a deep and abiding interest in our ballot-gathering process.

 Indeed, we feel honored to hold such a position of, well, how shall I put it? Civic responsibility? Constitutional culpability?

 Raw, naked power?

 (Forgive me. I swoon.)

 Given that the outcome of our vote will decide the fate of the nation for the next four years, we recognize and accept the important obligation that has been placed within our dot-coloring grasp: to resolve this issue in a way that facilitates the smooth transition of political authority from the current administration to the new leadership in Washington, D.C. – whomever we choose to let that be.

 We feel confident we can work out any lingering questions about the voting results in Florida so the entire nation can get back to wondering why, now that the election is over, nobody from Congress is offering to wash their car.

 But first, a list of our demands.

 1. Life in Florida is more difficult than you might believe. For instance, we have lots of water here in the Sunshine State, and it can be very annoying. Also, we’re forever being struck by pesky hurricanes. As you can imagine, this has played havoc with the insurance industry, which has actually been forced in recent years to – Gasp! – PAY CLAIMS.

 Because of this tragic and unforeseen circumstance, insurance companies have become reluctant to set foot in the state of Florida for fear of being set upon, like Faye Ray at a King Kong Convention.

 So it would be helpful if the rest of the nation pitched in to help us. We’re talking fully subsidized flood and windstorm coverage for every property owner in Florida – even property owners who don’t live next to the ocean. I mean, we DO have lots of rivers and lakes here too, you know.

 2. Florida has long been known as a tourist destination.

 Well, we don’t want any more tourists. They’re rude, they’re pale, and they block traffic. Don’t send them here, ever again.

 But do send their money. In fact, if every state would budget, oh, $100 million per year in a special Help Florida Recover Its Wits tax, we expect the collective IQ here in the Sunshine State would surge above the level required for the citizenry to color little dots next to the name of the highest bidder.

 So please, help those who cannot help themselves.

 3. Florida is confronted with a special circumstance:

 The snowbird.

 The snowbird migrates from Ontario, or Michigan, arriving in October and departing in March, once all the sales racks of stretchy-seat pedal pushers have been emptied.

 Sometimes these snowbirds fail to leave in March and become permanent residents, like that whale in San Francisco that became confused and swam upriver. Such is the case with Palm Beach.

 Unfortunately, nobody is detonating depth charges, or playing whale love songs, to lure these snowbirds back to Manitoba.

 And just let me say, if you think these people are a menace in the voting booth, you should see them behind the wheel of a ‘93 Buick LeSabre. No storefront window is safe.

 Or watch a flock of snowbirds hose out a buffet and you will discover religion, my brother. The horror; verily, the horror.

 So if you northern states would lure these lost snowbirds back to their roosts in Waukegan, that would take a load off our ballot-counting shoulders.

 4. Lastly, we registered voters in Florida are a little tired of all the teasing and jokes.

 We’d like to remind the rest of the nation that here in Florida, we have F-15 strike aircraft, carrier battle groups, and submarines armed with nuclear missiles. We can deal a punishing blow to any carpet-bagging, interloping smarty-pants who thinks he knows more about rigging democracy than we do.

 If the jokes and teasing don’t stop immediately, we’ll aim these weapons of mass destruction at a target you really care about:

 Disney World.

 Or Sea World.

 Or even Reptile Land, home of the piano-playing duck.

 Think of it, my fellow Americans. No more $3 Dove bars in the shape of mouse ears. Or the music box that plays “It’s a Small World After All’’ lying in a puddle of radioactive slag. Travel agents everywhere would hurl themselves from mountains of unsent baskets of fruit.

 In conclusion, I’d like to say, Thank you, America, for giving the registered voters of Florida a chance to share with you our mutual concerns regarding the outcome of the presidential election. We are prepared to move forward as one nation, under God, indivisible, blah blah.

 If YOU are prepared to ante up. And don’t tell us the check is in the mail; we’ve heard that before. And none of those annoying exploding paint packets.

This column was originally circulated by the Knight Ridder Tribune newswire in November 2000 and was published in various newspapers in the United States and Canada.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .