My predictions for the year 1999
Image by Del Stone Jr.
Instead of New Year’s resolutions, or a madcap review of 1998, I offer this take on the upcoming 12 months.
January: In an effort to lure shoppers, downtown Fort Walton Beach merchants and chamber officials come up with a catchy new slogan: “Get drunk, get tattooed, get lost.” The CRA declares Santa Rosa Mall a “blighted” area, clearing the way for a future abandoned shopping center.
February: In an effort to lure shoppers, downtown merchants rip out pear trees growing along Main Street and replace them with marijuana plants. The town of Baker changes its name to “Cher.”
March: New improprieties about President Clinton emerge. The president responds by ordering air strikes against the NBA.
April: Citing a previous call for a vote on the convention center issue, Okaloosa County commissioners proclaim “government by referendum” to be “way too annoying” and outlaw all county elections. Instead, future commissioners will be appointed by an expert panel of merchants, developers, and pals.
May: Merchants and elected officials complain local media are not rubber-stamping their press releases and boostering their causes. They seek expert guidance in media control from former Cambodian dictator Pol Pot.
June: North Okaloosa Fire District officials seek expert guidance with their finances from Niceville High School. The CRA declares Silver Sands Factory Stores to be a “blighted” area. The town of Grayton Beach changes its name to “Xena, Warrior Princess.”
July: Okaloosa commissioners tout the need for a convention center, explaining such a facility could be used to store emergency supplies of Tourist Development Commission brochures and crates of those little chicken snacks served at every public function since 1958.
August: A consortium called 239 Disposal Inc. files permits to open a plutonium reprocessing facility in northern Okaloosa County. Merchants and landowners quack about all the jobs such a facility will bring to the area. Indeed, oncologists and morticians flock to Crestview. The town of Navarre changes its name to “Viagra Falls.”
September: In an effort to lure shoppers, downtown merchants ask lawmen to lay down metal spikes across Main Street. Angry that a Psychic Hotline poll shows his popularity falling below that of Abraham Lincoln’s, President Clinton orders air strikes against Mount Rushmore.
October: The CRA designates all of Santa Rosa County a “blighted” area, clearing the way for concrete yard gnome dealerships, ostrich obedience schools and UFO landing pads.
November: In an effort to lure shoppers, downtown merchants call on Gov. Jeb Bush to muster National Guard troops to forcibly halt and remove motorists from their cars. If a convention center is built, county officials promise to honor Okaloosa Island’s indelible link to the sea by naming the facility “Flipper.”
December: Downtown merchants celebrate the millennium with “First Strike,” an artillery barrage on factory outlet stores in Foley, Ala. South Walton changes its name to “Margaritaville” and secedes from the planet. The Y2K bug strikes and the entire world shuts down except the North Okaloosa Fire District.
This column was originally published on Wednesday, Jan. 6, 1999 in the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
Image courtesy of Del Stone Jr.
Got lots of interesting feedback from last week’s epistle about trees.
Okaloosa planning manager Pat Blackshear agreed that tree preservation is a good thing and said the county is trying to stop the kind of thing that happened on Racetrack Road from happening again. Good luck, Pat.
Another reader sent a clipping: Toyota is developing an experimental tree that eats a higher percentage of the toxic gack emitted by cars. They want to plant these tress along Japan’s highways to soak up more CO2.
Gayle Melich of Niceville sent an ad that appeared in The New Yorker for the New Hampshire Office of Travel and Tourism Development. It read: “More than 6,000 miles of pathways and not one drop of cement.” Now there’s a sentiment to rattle the tar vendors along the Asphalt Coast.
[ Oh, joy, oh rapture. More growth ]
And a Navarre reader suggested the following remediations:
1. Tree ordinances.
2. Reward businesses that build on previously developed property (like Office Maxx).
3. Increase fees for clearing land.
4. Step up educational efforts.
5. The Daily News could place newspaper recycling bins in elementary schools and reward those schools that collect the most paper.
Speaking of trees, the National Arbor Day Foundation has a booklet out called “What Tree Is That?” It’s a pocket guide for identifying trees.
Everybody’s talking about a convention center on Okaloosa Island.
Politicians. Tourism officials. Island businessman.
Kelly Humphrey, in a May 31 MoneySense article, quoted Ramada Beach Resort GM Werner Brielmayer as saying, “We’re building a convention center here,” and the Florida Legislature even passed a law providing bed tax money for a convention center.
Sounds like it’s a done deal, except for one teensy, weensy problem.
Last time county commissioners brought up the subject, angry mobs turned out to give ’em hell (way to go, Joe!). Since then, readers have been calling, writing and e-mailing me to say:
We don’t want a convention center. We don’t want the congestion. We don’t want the pollution. We don’t want the traffic.
And we sure as heck don’t want the bill.
What’s next? Will the CRA, which has had more stakes pounded through its heart than Dracula, be pushing for a parallel bridge to relieve all the convention center road crowding? Don’t laugh. It could happen.
People have said they don’t want this thing. Is it the money that’s talking now?
Got a tongue-in-cheek letter from a Mystery Author about surly babies in public places.
This person equated the defense of misbehaving kiddies with the crucifixion of smokers who light up in public.
At the end of his letter, Mystery Author warned that next time he sees a kid acting up in public and Mommy or Daddy doesn’t do something about it, he’ll give the kid a cigarette!
Better watch out, Mystery Author! You’ll have the ATF and the CF at your door. Maybe even the CRA!
This column was originally published in the June 24, 1998 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .