I want my cookie for losing weight!
This is me in 1985, standing at the door of my '84 Firebird. Wasn't I a sleek, svelte little punk? Image by Joyce Stone
Di you enjoy Thanksgiving?
I didn’t. I had a plate brimming with guilt, an extra helping of disgust, and I topped it off with a bowl of frosty self-loathing.
See, it’s the weight thing.
As in, I’m gaining weight. After 16 years of tipping the scales at 145 pounds, I’m starting to blimp out.
It’s all because I quit drinking and smoking.
Seriously. Back when I guzzled three six-packs of beer and smoked half a carton of cigarettes every day, I was a slim, svelte, lithe creature who could spring from bed with an eye-popping hangover and jog five miles, no trouble at all.
Now that I eschew alcohol in its every form, frown at smokers as I hurry by (hand over mouth-nose), and eat nothing but low-fat, vitamin-enriched fruits and vegetables, I feel like HELL. My gut hangs over my pants so extensively it’s giving me hernias. I can barely fall out of bed in the morning, and five miles along city streets is possible only if my body becomes snagged in the axle of a passing truck.
How did this evil thing happen?
“Metabolism.”
Some people are lucky to be born with a “high” metabolism. What this means is they can eat their body weight in fried lard every day and never gain an ounce, and have the cholesterol level of a Buddhist monk who has subsisted on nothing more than pure thoughts and serenity.
How nice.
The creeps.
Meanwhile, there are the Sad Sacks like me. Our metabolisms are “low.” We eat a Grape Nut and have to go purge, lest the waistbands of our slacks cut off the blood flow to our brains. Our arteries resemble root-clogged sewer drains. Our blood pressure reminds the doctor of that boiler scene from “The African Queen.”
That was my life story until 1979, when I stumbled across the secret to losing weight. It had nothing to do with cabbages.
It had everything to do with NOT eating, and what a splendid diet that was – for a young dissipated person with nothing to spend his money on but vice. You drink as much as you like, smoke as much as you like, and LOSE WEIGHT DOING IT! Never mind those chest pains and migraines. Everything equaled out on the Scales of Poundage. Sign me up!
I lived like that until six years ago, when the beer went bye bye. I actually LOST weight – a cookie for being such a good boy.
Last year, the smokes joined the beer. But did I get my cookie?
Apparently I got a whole BAG of cookies because BOOM! Instantly, my body took revenge for all the abuse I’d heaped on it. Flab rolls sprang forth. Nerves pinched. Joints ached. Pants cut into flesh. Lips started sweating – you’re in trouble when your lips sweat.
It had to be metabolism. Now that stimulates no longer forced my heart to pound sparrow-like, my other bodily functions slowed, energy consumption went down, fat stores went up. …
And the Michelin Man rolled forth.
If you hadn’t noticed, I RESENT this. I’m not trying to rationalize a return to the booze and smokes, but I WANT MY COOKIE for giving up those vices. I want to fit into my pants again.
I’m dieting now. I haven’t lost any weight, and I’m starving, and it’s Thanksgiving for crying out loud.
Give me my cookies – the entire bag, please.
This column was originally published in the Wednesday, Dec. 4, 1996 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
Image courtesy of Warner Bros. and Legendary.
“A Minecraft Movie” Starring Jack Black as Steve, Jason Momoa as Garrett, Emma Myers as Natalie, Sebastian Hansen as Henry, Danielle Brooks as Dawn, Jennifer Coolidge as Vice Principal Marlene, and others. Directed by Jared Hess. 1 hour, 41 minutes. Rated PG. Theatrical release.
Mladen’s take
The audience of mostly youngsters in the nearly full theater clapped as the credits rolled. During “A Minecraft Movie,” they anticipated dialogue, “I am Steve” and “Chicken Jockey” are examples. Everybody at the old multiplex in Fort Walton Beach enjoyed the movie.
But, how do I really know that the film is an A? It warmed Del’s heart, which functions best at Absolute Zero. The curmudgeon chuckled and almost‑laughed at regular intervals throughout the film. Uncanny.
“A Minecraft Movie,” which is based on the crazy popular videogame Minecraft, is charming, not quite “A Princess Bride” charming but darned close. The film takes place in three worlds: ours, Overworld, and the Minecraft version of Hades, the Nether. The Nether is run by a mean pig thing. The mean pig thing hates Overworld because it runs on creativity and, dare I say, peace and tranquility and hope. Oh, Overworld has gold, which the mean pig thing, a rejected reality dance show participant, wants. In short, the Nether is the poser presidency of the Trump administration and Overworld the realm in which everyone but MAGA would like the live.
I only play first person shooter video games, though I’m irritated right now with Cyberpunk 2077. What the hell does it take for Kerry to call in timely fashion, so that I can finish my remaining side missions? Anyway, I haven’t played Minecraft the video game and I didn’t feel like I should have to understand “A Minecraft Movie.” The film is self-contained. Certainly, the kids and young adults watching it enjoyed the movie more than me because they knew the lore. But, because the movie is well written, nicely directed, and pleasingly acted, I never felt lost.
Another reason to like the movie is its balance. The green screen visuals are top notch but they exist to enhance the very human tale about friendship, loyalty to family, and the merits of goodness. There’s plenty of action – armies colliding, blimp chases, fireballs exploding against mountainsides, creeper bodies bursting into flames – but no gore. When a piglin is slayed, it turns into a pork chop. That made me ache for one of my world-class, thick-cut, bone‑in, skillet‑fried chops seasoned with only salt and pepper rather than exhaling in disbelief and grunting at some bit of awesome gruesomeness.
“A Minecraft Movie” sound effects are terrific. We didn’t see the film in an IMAX or Dolby theater but there’s no doubt that big sound and bigger screens would enhance this bouncy sci-fi fantasy comedy adventure film. The sound track and score also fit the movie to a tee. The decibel range of the movie is as good as any I’ve heard. From the tink of the mean pig thing’s metal staff on a stone floor to Villager mumbling to fireball detonations, I enjoyed the film’s aural presence.
That said, “A Minecraft Movie” does have an insincere-ish, soppy moment or two. Momoa’s Garrett confessing he’s a loser living in the bygone ago of him as a gamer of the year was, I don’t know, annoying and obvious. No need for exposition there because it didn’t matter. Garrett took care of his friends. That’s what mattered. Black’s Steve sang just a little too much. Brooks’s Dawn, at times, just felt sort of artificially inserted into the film to round‑out the gang of sidekicks. Also, the effort to insert Overworld beings into our world was underdeveloped.
Stay past the credits and you’ll see that “A Minecraft Movie” sets up a potential sequel. I predict that the sequel will happen because “A Minecraft Movie” is on its way to blockbuster status like a not-too-long-ago film based on buxom blonde toy doll that I suspected would never succeed.
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Del’s take
This won’t be much of a Movie Face-Off because Mladen and I are in total agreement: “A Minecraft Movie” is a smash hit and will be to this year what “Barbie” was to 2023.
In fact, I can’t remember a time I had so much fun watching a movie. Maybe in 1980, when my friend Scott and I caught a Friday night showing of “Cheech & Chong’s Next Movie.” Or maybe a midnight screening of “Dawn of the Dead” at University Mall in Pensacola way back in 1984.
The theater at Santa Rosa Mall in Mary Esther, Fla., was packed for “Minecraft.” When was the last time you saw that? Mladen and I were one of a very few audience members over the age of 30. And I can’t decide which I enjoyed more – the movie itself or the kids enjoying the movie. They were reciting lines from the film, just like “Rocky Horror Picture Show,” and laughing and cheering at the funny bits.
When the movie ended the theater erupted in loud and continuous applause. Kids were chanting “Mine-craft, Mine-craft!” and stayed through the credits, erupting in more cheers when a teaser reel for the probable sequel appeared.
It was a blast and it reminded me of my movie-going experiences as a kid in Royal Oaks outside Torrejon Air Base, Spain. Every Saturday morning my sister Sandie and I trooped to the theater for the latest matinee, which consisted of the national anthem, two or three previews, a newsreel, a cartoon, the latest installment of a goofy low-rent sci-fi serial, and then the movie itself.
“Minecraft” is just terrific, with tons of very smart humor writing that operated on many levels, from outright slapstick to slyly sophisticated innuendo. The visuals were stunning – I bet this movie kicks ass in 3-D. And the soundtrack was bliss to an ’80s hair band fan – I never knew Jack Black could sing!
Speaking of which, he and Jennifer Coolidge were damn good in their roles, but in my book the actor who stole the show was Jason Momoa as Garrett “The Garbage Man” Garrison, a washed up professional videogame player who’s about to lose his vintage videogame store to the bank. He’s a perfect combination of good intentions, accidental heroism and dumb bravado – plus he’s damn funny.
And that’s one of the virtues of “A Minecraft Movie.” It’s almost meta in its mirth, never taking itself too seriously, mischievously self-aware while serving up some serious laughs. Mladen was exaggerating when he said I almost laughed – hell, I laughed out loud throughout.
“Minecraft,” with its message that friendship and goodness are worth fighting for, is one of those rare movies that appeals to kids and adults, especially folks who grew up playing Minecraft the video game (I have NEVER played Minecraft and I was still able to enjoy the movie, so there).
According to The Hollywood Reporter “A Minecraft Movie” is on course to blow every other movie this year out of the water and may even take down “A Super Mario Brothers Movie” as the No. 1 videogame-related movie box office winner. I can see why. It’s hilarious, entertaining, and the audience we saw it with made it all the more enjoyable.
I give it an A+. Take your kids to see it – hell, take yourself to see it.
Mladen Rudman is a former journalist and technical writer. Del Stone Jr. is a former journalist and writer.