Should a person being driven insane by 30 delinquents have access to firearms?
Had I known my 12th-grade Algebra 2 teacher, Mr. Earl, was carrying a gun, I would have been a lot nicer to him.
That’s not to say he was carrying a gun. But if he had been, I would never have played that trick of whispering into his hearing aid until he turned up the volume, then shouting at him.
Wasn’t I a little brat? I probably deserved to be shot.
I bring this up because the incoming president of the National Rifle Association told The Associated Press recently she believes teachers should be allowed to carry guns into the classroom.
The plan is to give teachers the drop on teenage nutcases who march into school and cap 10 of their classmates for making fun of their hair.
It’s sad the world has come to this. In my day we kids were much more civilized. We settled our differences by beating the hell out of each other – until an adult intervened and beat the hell out of both of us. And teachers didn’t need guns – they could just beat the hell out of us. Then they’d call our parents, and when we got home, our parents would beat the hell out of us, too.
I’m not sure it’s a good idea to let the person who’s being driven insane by 30 delinquents have access to firearms.
For starters, I question the gun-handling abilities of some of my teachers. For instance, I could never, ever see my 12th-grade composition teacher, Mrs. Davis, a wisp of a woman who was Hobbit tiny and supermodel thin, whipping out a .44-Magnum and growling, “Go ahead, punk. Make my day!”
Besides, Mrs. Davis didn’t need a gun. She was a nice lady, but if you made her mad she’d skewer you with this python stare and as you sat squirming in your desk like a hamster appetizer she’d just stare at you. Silently. Her eyes burrowing through your flesh. Until you died.
I also question the, er, “emotional stability” of some of my teachers. I remember one rattled instructor simply getting up and walking out of the classroom. Had this teacher returned with an AR-15 I’m reasonably confident I wouldn’t be typing these words.
I can see how an exchange with such a teacher might go:
“Excuse me, Mrs. Murgatroid, but can I have a pass to the bathroom?”
“Are you kidding me? You’ve been driving me crazy all day. You can wait until the bell rings!”
“But I have to go now!”
“Well … let’s ask Mr. Nine Millimeter.”
(She fishes out her Browning 9mm semi-auto.)
“Hello, Mr. Nine Millimeter. Del’s been a very BAD boy and now he wants to go to the bathroom. Should we let him?”
“Hello, Mrs. Murgatroid. I think Del can wait until the bell rings. And if he has a problem with that, he can talk to the hand … holding the gun!”
No, arming teachers isn’t the solution. Besides, the kids would likely have better guns.
Give ’em a good beating.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone's stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra's Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year's Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone's comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled "December" for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman's Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone's novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild's award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida's best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn't look a day over 94.
Had I known my 12th-grade Algebra 2 teacher, Mr. Earl, was carrying a gun, I would have been a lot nicer to him. That’s not to say he was carrying a gun. But if he had been, I would never… READ MORE
My solution to the stinky Dolphins? Draft non-NFL players
I have thrown away my Miami Dolphins watch cap, my Miami Dolphins keychain, my Miami Dolphins Viagra prescription and my Miami Dolphins helmeted killer dolphin action figure.
I have committed these unthinkable acts because this year, the Miami Dolphins smell like three-day-old chum. If Ruckel Middle School belonged to the NFL, the JV team would have a better win-loss record than the Miami Dolphins.
The Fish are losers.
Why is this? My theory is the Miami Dolphins have “drafted” poorly. For those of you who do not study the Miami Dolphins the way some people study the Dead Sea Scrolls, the term “draft” refers to a process whereby teams choose players, similar to the way the United States chose players for the “Vietnam Bowl” except in the NFL players like former Miami Dolphin running back Ricky Williams wait until thy are two years into their contracts before running away to a foreign country.
But don’t let me dwell on Ricky Williams, who is studying holistic medicine but may I gently suggest he change his major to abnormal psychology because he appears to be, if I may borrow a medical term, “crazy.”
I am all about “solutions.” And my solution to the belly-up Dolphins is: Draft non-football players.
“But that’s what they’ve been doing the past four years!” you gasp, choking on your Mrs. Paul’s fried dolphin fingers. Tut tut, I am talking about looking outside the NFL player pool for new talent, such as:
At defensive line: that ninja guy from “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” Have seen the way that guy flew through the air? He’d jump off a roof and land in Cleveland where somebody from the Browns would attempt to draft him.
At quarterback the Greek mythical figure Medusa. You know who I’m talking about – the chick with snakes for hair. If you look at her you turn to stone, jut like Joan Rivers! The NFL would have to invent a new penalty – illegal contact with a python.
At wide receiver: a fully grown Bengal tiger with rabies. Forget about it, Cincinnati; we thought of it first.
Offensive coach: Martha Stewart. The Miami Dolphins need an infusion of creativity in their play-0calling, and who better to accomplish this task than a person who can take a box that once contained a Black & Decker weed whacker and transform it into a Swiss chalet, complete with yodeling mountain men wearing funny hats.
Safety: the viewpoint character from “Halo 2,” but with a bigger gun.
Recruiting: Lara Croft of “Tomb Raider” fame. May she unearth some of the wizened, desiccated old guys who at least can punt, pass and kick without demanding $40 million per game and put themselves on the injured reserve list every time they experience a bunion.
Front office: Bill Gates. Money can’t buy love, but it CAN buy a decent quarterback.
This column was originally published in the Saturday, Jan. 8, 2005 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone's stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra's Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year's Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone's comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled "December" for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman's Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone's novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild's award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida's best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn't look a day over 94.
I have thrown away my Miami Dolphins watch cap, my Miami Dolphins keychain, my Miami Dolphins Viagra prescription and my Miami Dolphins helmeted killer dolphin action figure. I have committed these unthinkable acts because this year, the Miami Dolphins smell… READ MORE
Christmas too commercialized? Please stop complaining and pass me the Zoloft
This was our non-commercialized Christmas haul in 1960, just before we left Keesler Air Force Base in Biloxi, Miss., for Torrejon Air Base outside Madrid, Spain. Image by Del Stone Sr.
Some cynics believe that in these crassly commercialized times, it is impossible to remain faithful to the real meaning of Christmas. Phooey! Have these Negative Nellies never seen an episode of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Part IV: Rudolph Takes Fallujah,”… READ MORE
Mladen and Del review ‘Casshern’
“Casshern” Directed by Kazuaki Kiriya. Starring Yusuke Iseya, Akira Terao, Kanako Higuchi. 142 minutes. Unrated. Mladen’s take A confession. Without Del explaining between sets of kicking my butt in tennis what “Casshern” was about, I’d still be scratching my head…. READ MORE
Dying in TV shows and movies ain’t what it used to be
Today’s topic is so weighty it will tilt the earth on its axis: the evolution of the TV and movie death scene.
In a more innocent time, an actor died with dignity. A gunshot victim, for instance, would clutch his chest as if a microwaved burrito were causing his pacemaker to do the Robot, then fall gracefully to the ground so that the shooter could hover nearby while the shoot-ee revealed the valuable moral lesson imparted to him by the hollow-tipped .38 slug. “You have redeemed me,” the shoot-ee would gasp. “I will never remove the tag from a mattress again – and that’s not just because I’m dying.” Then the shoot-ee would close his eyes as the shooter wiped away a tear and filed a report with the Serta Corporation.
The next step in TV and movie death scene evolution was the open-eye death. The shoot-ee would die and he would stare into infinity, his eyes glazed, the way people look at their telephone bills. The shooter would run his hand over the eyelids to close them, as if he felt watched, and a violin soundtrack would reach a crescendo of screeching as the shooter and the audience simultaneously realized that death can certain put the kibosh on that snorkeling trip to the Caymans.
Then we had the violent death where gunshot victims were knocked backward by the force the bullet’s impact the same way you get knocked backward when you step out of the shower dripping wet and plug in the blow dryer. The problem in the kocking-backward part never seems to synch with the shooting part – the gun fires and a too-late second afterward, the person gets knocked back. It’s like watching a Japanese monster movie dubbed into English.
The next evolution of TV and movie death scenes was epitomized by “Saving Private Ryan,” which I recently watched as a snub to the FCC. That’ll show ’em. In “Saving Private Ryan:” we encounter the gory realistic death scene. Every single way a person can die was used in that movie and they were all very bloody and grotesque, like watching Richard Simmons squeeze himself into a Spandex tutu.
Right now my favorite TV and move death scene occurs in “Dawn of the Dead.” In this scene, the driver of a panel truck is trying to back it up to a loading dock while being attacked by zombies. You gotta figure the driving isn’t going to be by the book (unless it’s New York state’s “Driving Manual for Snowbirds Wintering in Florida book). Indeed, while back up the truck at about 40 mph they run over several zombies who are sprinting toward the truck. I’ve watch that scene many times trying to figure out how they did it. Best I can tell they got several contestants from “Fear Factor” to attempt a truckjacking and we got to watch the losers.
Frankly I don’t want to know how people look or act when they die, unless it’s Sean Hayes’ character on “Will & Grace.” That little creep can even leave his eyes open.
The column was originally published in the December 6, 2003 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone's stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra's Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year's Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone's comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled "December" for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman's Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone's novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild's award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida's best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn't look a day over 94.
Today’s topic is so weighty it will tilt the earth on its axis: the evolution of the TV and movie death scene. In a more innocent time, an actor died with dignity. A gunshot victim, for instance, would clutch his… READ MORE
How do I annoy thee?
Image courtesy of Picryl by way of a Creative Commons license.
Husband: Hello, Honey Bunny. Guess where I’m standing? <Chirp!> Wife: Hi, Sunggle-Icious. You’re standing in line at the grocery store checkout. <Chirp!> H: Ha, ha! You cheated, Snooky-Ookems. You peeked at the camera on my new walkie-talkie cell phone. And… READ MORE
Yes, Virginia, they can cash a check that isn’t made out to them
Image courtesy of Flickr user jridgewayphotograph by way of a Creative Commons license.
https://www.flickr.com/photos/jridgewayphotos/
About halfway through today’s Pulitzer contender you will mutter, “Stone, you dunce. You don’t have the sense God gave the clown known as ‘Idiot Face.’ ” I was paying bills in my post-work fugue state. I’m sure you’re familiar with… READ MORE
It’s time for the adults to lay off and leave the kids alone
Image courtesy of pxfuel. — I don’t imagine Thursday, the first day of school, was much fun for a certain group of IB students at Choctawhatchee High School. To bring you up to speed, the students were quoted in a… READ MORE
Wednesday was Take-the-Cats to the Vet Day. Oh boy
Photo courtesy of Del Stone Jr. — Wednesday was Take the Cats to the Vet Day. Lest you think this is a trivial subject unworthy of a column, let me assure you I am tired of solving world peace, curing… READ MORE
A future without the web in ‘Live without a Net’
[ Cover image courtesy of rawpixel.com . ]
From Amazon: Imagine a future without cyberspace or without the Web or virtual reality. What would happen in an alternate Information Age? What would you do? What would you fear? What wouldn’t you know? Today’s top masters of speculative fiction… READ MORE
