Image courtesy of DreamWorks
Night. The leathery dark of the alone. A good time for a horror movie. “The Ring” on DVD. Missed it in the theater. They said it was scary. Horror movies no longer scare me. Things like colonoscopies scare me. Turn… READ MORE
Image courtesy of Del Stone Jr.
Well, well. Here we sit on Okaloosa Island. On the right lies our scenic marina-slash-sewer, aka Choctawhatchee Bay. Rumors of the Gulf of Mexico place it to our left, its existence privy only to the gloating apparatchiks who inhabit the… READ MORE
This image was obtained from the town of Cinco Bayou's website.
Welcome to the town of Cinco Bayou, a pleasant enclave amid a sea of tackiness, its tree-lined streets providing access to quaint shops and beautiful homes … and now, in an exciting new development, a pet crematorium. Cinco Bayou is… READ MORE
I just finished typing 300 column inches of Mother’s Day testimonials from kids and teens. My fingers have boo-boos. I need Mommy to kiss them and make them better. (I should mention I had LOTS of help from Angie Toole,… READ MORE
The book “The Ugly American” was published in 1958 and lauded as an incisive analysis of America’s myopic approach to foreign policy in Southeast Asia.
But over the years it has come to mean something else: the inclination of many Americans to view their citizenship as a moral entitlement to be served by other nations and cultures, and their boorish refusal to consider competing viewpoints.
I got a taste of that one recent night at a local saloon.
My friend, whose name I’ll leave out of this, is gearing up for a deployment to a “dry, dusty place.” He is a reservist and has served in the military for many years. He, his wife and I decided to have dinner and catch up before he leaves.
At the saloon we looked forward to playing a televised trivia game in which each player uses a remote to answer questions and compete against other bar patrons. One of our habits is to use unusual or funny names. Considering recent events, my friend decided to play as “Chirac.” I chose “Saddam.” How ironic, I thought. Saddam has been booted out of Iraq and he’s playing trivia in a saloon near my home.
Wrong.
Soon, our table was approached by an angry man, who snarled at us, “You should be ashamed yourselves for using those names! Get out of here! Exit! EXIT!”
I thought he was joking, but only when I realized his face was purple with rage did the situation take on the surreal aspect of a David Lynch movie.
Then his buddy, an ex-Marine, approached. He too snarled at us, and when I told him to go back to the bar he shoved me, causing me and my stool to lean into my friend’s wife. In the perfect dream scenario I would have recovered my balance, leaped from my stool and pounded him to within an inch of his life. In fact, by the time I regained my footing my friend was off his stool and the aggressor had retreated.
The fact that I’m the son of a World War II fighter pilot and an Air Force brat mattered not a bit. The fact that my friend is active-duty military and fresh from a Distinguished Flying Cross for action in Afghanistan didn’t matter either. These two were offended and they were going to smite the offender.
Others said later I was stupid for choosing such a name in a “military community.”
Bunk.
My experience is that servicemembers are usually smarter, funnier and more tolerant than the civilian general wannabes who get drunk on Fox News and armchair testosterone.
It is these arrogant, self-absorbed, cultural and political bigots who support and perpetuate the notion of pax Americana, having grown fat on a grotesque parody of information supplied by so-called “news networks” who routinely color their presentations with propaganda and distortions.
But it really has nothing to do with war, respect or taste. It’s a question of having the sophistication to distinguish between an insult and a slur, and the ability to function as a person who is sufficiently confident and comfortable in his beliefs that he doesn’t feel compelled to destroy others for believing differently.
The ugly American these days tends to be a humorless, jingoistic super-patriot whose dogmatic chest-thumping blinds him to reality, reason, and in this case, humor.
A lot of Americans think that isn’t a bad thing. But in a world that becomes more globalized and interdependent each minute, cultural and intellectual xenophobia are the first steps on a road self-absorption, decay and collapse, not vitality.
And besides, the ugly Americans have got it all wrong. America is not about squashing dissent and differences. It’s about diversity, tolerance and intelligence.
The ugly American is not a patriot. He’s one of the things wrong with the country.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone's stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra's Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year's Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone's comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled "December" for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman's Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone's novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild's award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida's best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn't look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
The book “The Ugly American” was published in 1958 and lauded as an incisive analysis of America’s myopic approach to foreign policy in Southeast Asia. But over the years it has come to mean something else: the inclination of many… READ MORE
It couldn’t happen here.
For decades Americans have watched mayhem overseas, smugly confident their shores were safe from chaos. Sept. 11, 2001 changed that.
We’re talking about journalism, of course.
While American media rushed to pat themselves on the back for a job well done, members of the foreign press – long the butt of ridicule by their counterparts in North America – shook their heads in wonder at jingoistic coverage, timid media mouthpieces parroting government press releases, media “celebrities” and “talking heads” greedily chasing the spotlight, drama queens playing to the gooshy gush of Hollywood tropes and cliches, and an uncharacteristic reluctance at self-reflection.
William Randolph Hearst meets “Where the Buffalo Roam.” Consider the following – exaggerated for your reading pleasure:
Headline: Sons-of-bitches blow up World Trade Center.
Flash: American newspapers print their 10,184th picture of a sad person clutching a candle and bowing his head respectfully.
Press pool question for Gen. Tommy Franks, who commands Operation Enduring Freedom: “For the 10,184th time, Gen. Franks, when will this war end? Frankly the whole thing is becoming rather boring.”
Flash: Journalists provide al Qaida with cameras and equipment so they can receive statements from the group. Al Qaida says a few cameras and equipment won’t be enough. “If you really want a statement from Al Qaida, cough up some real equipment,” says an Al Qaida spokesman, identified only as “Joe.”
Flash: After ABC and NBC receive anthrax-infected letters, Dan Rather threatens to file suit.
Flash: Journalists report the hunt for bin Laden is “heating up.”
Question for Gen. Franks: “Will you be sure to let us know when you’ve captured Osama bin Laden?”
Flash: Arabs say videotapes that allegedly prove Osama bin Laden’s involvement in the planning of the Sept. 11 attacks were faked by Rob Lowe.
Headline: America vows to get the dirty bastards who blew up the WTC.
Flash: Israel attacks Palestinian targets following suicide bombings that leave several people dead. As the United States bombs Afghanistan into the Stone Age, it urges Israel to show restraint. Editorial writers excoriate Israel for its cowboy diplomacy.
Flash: Journalists provide al Qaida with Happy Meals and the entire first season of “The X-Files” on DVD. Al Qaida says more is needed if journalists want to get the “full story.”
Flash: Somebody finally sends CBS some anthrax. Dan Rather bravely refuses to be tested, prompting at-risk patients, from potential AIDS sufferers to kids with strep throat, to snub medical clinics in droves.
Flash: A commemorative plate featuring the likeness of a sad person clutching a candle and bowing his head respectfully is advertised for only $24.95, plus shipping and handling.
Flash: Journalists report the hunt for bin Laden is “really, really getting hot now.”
Flash: A helpful scrawl across the bottom of the CNN screen provides viewers with the URL for bin Laden’s Web site, www.deathtoamerica.com, where browsers can sign his guestbook, view a streamed denunciation of Western infidels, play a video game of airplanes and skyscrapers, and even use a nifty image archive of possible disguises for Uncle Osama.
Flash: The U.S. government denies faking the bin Laden video, saying its transcript of the tape was provided by Mrs. Nelly’s fourth-grade students at Ibson Elementary School in Schenectady, N.Y., as part of a class Internet translation site project. The kids receive trophies on “Good Morning America.”
Flash: News media make big honkin’ deal out of “humanitarian aid” being dumped on Afghanistan – Pop Tarts and peanut butter, which are fed to camels or sold at firesale prices on the black market.
Question for Gen. Franks: “What’s your favorite color?”
Flash: Journalists provide al Qaida with surface-to-air Stinger missiles. Al Qaida spokesmen say, “Now you’re talking ’60 Minutes.’ ’’
Flash: Millions tune in to the CBS Evening News to see if Dan Rather’s nose has fallen off.
Flash: Journalists report the hunt for bin Laden is “so hot you can’t touch it with an oven mitt in the shape of a trout.”
Flash: The bin Laden video wins at Cannes.
Headline: “Kill! Kill! Kill!” Girl Scouts chant at White House pep rally
Flash: Tons and tons of humanitarian aid pelt from the skies in Afghanistan. Back home, a mysterious shortage of Count Chocula and AOL Version 8.0 start-up discs prompts an investigative series by USA Today, which follows up with this story: Has the stress of 9/11 made Americans fatter? Rack sales explode.
Flash: American spy plane downed, possibly by a Stinger missile. Journalists ask a Pentagon spokesman, “Where the heck did al Qaida got its hands on a Stinger missile?”
Flash: Dan Rather gets strep throat.
Flash: Journalists report the hunt for bin Laden is getting “colder, colder – warmer, warmer – colder – warmer – warmer. …”
Question for Gen. Franks: “What’s your opinion of ‘Lord of the Rings’ – and please be specific.”
Flash: Bin Laden is spotted on a box of Wheaties.
Flash: The media dutifully report the tonnage of “humanitarian aid” dropped in Afghanistan. Afghan camels get fat and develop tooth decay and cardiac problems. The military proposes air drops of toothpaste and phen-fen.
Flash: Ted Turner provide al Qaida with B-2 bombers laden with humanitarian aid.
Flash: Dan Rather refuses to take a pregnancy test.
Flash: Journalists report the hunt for bin Laden is somewhere between “hell and hell freezing over.”
Flash: Gulf News says fighting over the spelling of “Al Qaida” has caused it economic hardships beyond its ability to manage and asks Congress for a bailout similar to the one granted the airline industry.
Flash: Pop Tarts and jars of peanut butter mysteriously fall from the sky in Topeka, Kansas, causing mass panic and a stampede that leaves 42 people hospitalized.
Flash: Al Qaida explains the Sept. 11 attacks as the work of “scamps” and a few “rowdies.” News talk show hosts interview child psychologists and ask, “Where did their parents go wrong? Is this a failure of the system?”
Question for Gen. Franks: “In light of 9/11 do you think the government should provide free Paxil prescriptions for all Americans?
Flash: A crazed homeless person confronts Dan Rather on the street and shouts, “What’s the frequency, Kenneth?” Rather shouts back, “What is this? Some kind of test? Don’t you watch TV? I DON’T TAKE TESTS!”
Headline: Oprah could “just slap” bin Laden.
Flash: Journalists report the hunt for bin Laden is about as hot as the hunt for a new angle to this story.
Flash: Humanitarian aid drops of new Xbox game cartridges over Afghanistan cause teen-agers in Tokyo and Los Angeles to declare jihad.
Flash: AP and Reuters say if Gulf News receives a bailout, they too deserve a bailout. The LA Times wire refuses a bailout, claiming its expenses are underwritten by income generated by sports center ad revenue. KRT threatens to raise the specter of the spelling of “Khadafy.”
Headline: Small town America declares, “If We See One More Fucking Picture of Somebody Clutching a Candle and Bowing Their Head Respectfully, We Are Just Going to Puke.”
Flash: The Taliban demands to be featured on MTV’s “The Real World,” so the “real story” of the Afghan fundamentalist government can be told. “We are innocent as lambs,” Mullah Omar tells Carson Daly. “We help old ladies cross the street (if they wearing the traditional chador. If not, we help them halfway across). We bake sheep eyeball cookies, and hold sing-alongs. We are not evil. We are misunderstood.”
Flash: Peter Jennings and Tom Brokaw receive letters tainted with lethal concentrations of Stetson cologne. Dan Rather fumes his letter must have been lost in the mail.
Flash: Mainstream America vows to kill the next headline writer who uses the word “heal.”
Flash: A class-action suit filed on behalf of sad people clutching candles and bowing their heads respectfully seeks cash reparations from the government for the stress these people have suffered since 9/11.
Flash: Journalists report the hunt for bin Laden has been expanded to include the audience of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.”
Flash: American C-17 cargo jets dump pallets of hundred-dollar bills over Kabul. Media “experts” say this “injection of capital” should jump-start a new wave of entrepreneurs and small businessmen in Afghanistan, who will renounce opium poppies for selling Pop Tarts and peanut butter on the black market.
Headline: War Produces Surplus of Clichés – Grammarians Declare Open Season on “Hunt for Bin Laden Heating Up,” “War on Terror,” “American Forces Pound,” “Shocking Events Unfold,” and “Now for This Commercial Break.”
Flash: Talking heads declare America cannot defeat Afghan warriors in treacherous mountain terrain and should give up and die.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone's stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra's Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year's Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone's comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled "December" for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman's Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone's novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild's award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida's best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn't look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
It couldn’t happen here. For decades Americans have watched mayhem overseas, smugly confident their shores were safe from chaos. Sept. 11, 2001 changed that. We’re talking about journalism, of course. While American media rushed to pat… READ MORE
While the nose art indicates the name of this Collings Foundation B-24 is "Golden Girl," the plane was known as the "All American." Journalist Bruce Brewer stands atop the fuselage prior to the flight from Panama City to Crestview in March 1998. Image courtesy of Del Stone Jr.
The afternoon was cold, and Jeff Newell was trembling. “We get to go flying!” he enthused, rubbing his hands together, his voice rising and falling in a little boy’s sing-song. The freezing wind mattered little. More important was the aging… READ MORE
I get some interesting mail.
For instance, sitting on my desk is a letter from God.
Well.
I didn’t see THAT coming.
Why would God communicate with via the Postal Service? Why not a good old-fashioned bolt of lightning?
Relax. The God of the letter is not the God who lives in the infinity ZIP code.
This God is serving a prison term for robbery. He refers to himself as the “Jesus Satan himself,” and writes things like:
“I am d Lord they God. D author and finisher of d holy bible. Since u seek a proof of Christ Satan himself speaking in me.”
All righty then.
This God has nothing to do with eternal salvation. He writes: “I love them that love me, and those that seek me early shall find me, and I will fill their treasure … Call Western Union (at) 1-800-325-6000 … give them my name and DC # number with a credit car … give 500, get 25 million, 3,000 get 300 billions. …”
I think this God must be related to the fellow in Nigeria who wants to park his millions in my checking account.
If this God is the real deal he can make his own millions and call Western Union himself. He does not need me to tell him my credit card number. He should already know it. Right?
On another part of my desk I have a note from an unhappy Pet of the Day submitter.
Yes, I am the Pet of the Day editor. Your puppies and parrots and potbellied pigs go through me to reach the pages of the Daily News.
The Pet of the Day is not journalism, of course. It’s an amusement, like the crossword puzzle. But it is beloved, and I enjoy doing it.
To be fair, I publish the pets in the order I receive them. I will occasionally cheat if circumstances warrant, but for the most part Pet of the Day is a first-come, first-served service.
I have quite a backlog of Pet of the Day submissions, and sometimes the wait is so long people think I’ve rejected their kitties and cockatiels. That apparently was the case with this letter writer.
I published the photo of his pet, which I remember because it was very unusual. About two weeks later, while going through the Pet of the Day submissions, I encountered a second letter from this fellow. It read:
“Mr. Chicken(expletive deleted) – Candy(expletive deleted). Afraid to show (name of pet)’s picture? After 40 years , switching to U.S.A.”
Feel the love.
Apparently he thought I’d rejected the photo of his pet. Of course I didn’t, but he’ll never know because now he is reading “U.S.A.”
If a person can become that enraged over a photo of a pet, think of the damnation he might utter for something like world peace, or the election.
Best not let him and God get together. Otherwise, what rough beast, its hour come ’round at least, shall slouch toward Okaloosa County to raise Cain?
This column was originally published in the May 15, 2001 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is reprinted with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone's stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra's Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year's Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone's comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled "December" for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman's Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone's novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild's award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida's best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn't look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
I get some interesting mail. For instance, sitting on my desk is a letter from God. Well. I didn’t see THAT coming. Why would God communicate with via the Postal Service? Why not a good old-fashioned bolt of lightning? Relax…. READ MORE
We, the registered voters of Florida, are very happy the rest of you Americans have taken such a deep and abiding interest in our ballot-gathering process.
Indeed, we feel honored to hold such a position of, well, how shall I put it? Civic responsibility? Constitutional culpability?
Raw, naked power?
(Forgive me. I swoon.)
Given that the outcome of our vote will decide the fate of the nation for the next four years, we recognize and accept the important obligation that has been placed within our dot-coloring grasp: to resolve this issue in a way that facilitates the smooth transition of political authority from the current administration to the new leadership in Washington, D.C. – whomever we choose to let that be.
We feel confident we can work out any lingering questions about the voting results in Florida so the entire nation can get back to wondering why, now that the election is over, nobody from Congress is offering to wash their car.
But first, a list of our demands.
1. Life in Florida is more difficult than you might believe. For instance, we have lots of water here in the Sunshine State, and it can be very annoying. Also, we’re forever being struck by pesky hurricanes. As you can imagine, this has played havoc with the insurance industry, which has actually been forced in recent years to – Gasp! – PAY CLAIMS.
Because of this tragic and unforeseen circumstance, insurance companies have become reluctant to set foot in the state of Florida for fear of being set upon, like Faye Ray at a King Kong Convention.
So it would be helpful if the rest of the nation pitched in to help us. We’re talking fully subsidized flood and windstorm coverage for every property owner in Florida – even property owners who don’t live next to the ocean. I mean, we DO have lots of rivers and lakes here too, you know.
2. Florida has long been known as a tourist destination.
Well, we don’t want any more tourists. They’re rude, they’re pale, and they block traffic. Don’t send them here, ever again.
But do send their money. In fact, if every state would budget, oh, $100 million per year in a special Help Florida Recover Its Wits tax, we expect the collective IQ here in the Sunshine State would surge above the level required for the citizenry to color little dots next to the name of the highest bidder.
So please, help those who cannot help themselves.
3. Florida is confronted with a special circumstance:
The snowbird.
The snowbird migrates from Ontario, or Michigan, arriving in October and departing in March, once all the sales racks of stretchy-seat pedal pushers have been emptied.
Sometimes these snowbirds fail to leave in March and become permanent residents, like that whale in San Francisco that became confused and swam upriver. Such is the case with Palm Beach.
Unfortunately, nobody is detonating depth charges, or playing whale love songs, to lure these snowbirds back to Manitoba.
And just let me say, if you think these people are a menace in the voting booth, you should see them behind the wheel of a ‘93 Buick LeSabre. No storefront window is safe.
Or watch a flock of snowbirds hose out a buffet and you will discover religion, my brother. The horror; verily, the horror.
So if you northern states would lure these lost snowbirds back to their roosts in Waukegan, that would take a load off our ballot-counting shoulders.
4. Lastly, we registered voters in Florida are a little tired of all the teasing and jokes.
We’d like to remind the rest of the nation that here in Florida, we have F-15 strike aircraft, carrier battle groups, and submarines armed with nuclear missiles. We can deal a punishing blow to any carpet-bagging, interloping smarty-pants who thinks he knows more about rigging democracy than we do.
If the jokes and teasing don’t stop immediately, we’ll aim these weapons of mass destruction at a target you really care about:
Disney World.
Or Sea World.
Or even Reptile Land, home of the piano-playing duck.
Think of it, my fellow Americans. No more $3 Dove bars in the shape of mouse ears. Or the music box that plays “It’s a Small World After All’’ lying in a puddle of radioactive slag. Travel agents everywhere would hurl themselves from mountains of unsent baskets of fruit.
In conclusion, I’d like to say, Thank you, America, for giving the registered voters of Florida a chance to share with you our mutual concerns regarding the outcome of the presidential election. We are prepared to move forward as one nation, under God, indivisible, blah blah.
If YOU are prepared to ante up. And don’t tell us the check is in the mail; we’ve heard that before. And none of those annoying exploding paint packets.
This column was originally circulated by the Knight Ridder Tribune newswire in November 2000 and was published in various newspapers in the United States and Canada.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone's stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra's Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year's Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone's comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled "December" for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman's Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone's novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild's award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida's best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn't look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
We, the registered voters of Florida, are very happy the rest of you Americans have taken such a deep and abiding interest in our ballot-gathering process. Indeed, we feel honored to hold such a position of, well, how shall I… READ MORE
Image courtesy of Del Stone Jr.
I give up. I’m tired of the evil looks. I’m tired of the snarky remarks. I’m tired of the short end of the stick. So I’m defecting to the other side. I’m joining the opposition. I am now pro-development. Gosh,… READ MORE