A new Asian import has show up in America. It has six legs … and WINGS!
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We will warn you for the 3,418th time this year that the dreaded Asian cockroach is raping and pillaging its way up the Florida peninsula and will arrive in YOUR home precisely three minutes after you read this, because that is the way it always happens in monster movies.
The presence of yet another Asian import on American shores raises several important questions, mainly, “What’s in it for me?” and “How can I turn this tragedy into a personal profit-making venture?”
We’ll try to answer those questions. If we don’t, it means you’re asking the wrong questions.
Q. Are we paying import tariffs on the Asian cockroach?
A. No, we are not. The importation of Asian cockroaches is what we in the business refer to as “an act of God,” which means anything that cannot be taxed, regulated or killed by a neutron bomb also cannot be subject to import tariffs.
Q. Why should I worry about the Asian cockroach?
A. If you do not mind waking up at night unable to breathe because cockroaches have named a net in your nostrils, then you have nothing to worry about.
Q. Where are these roaches right now?
A. They are probably right outside your front door, waiting for you to put down the newspaper and let them in.
Q. No, really. Where are they?
A. They came to this country through the port of Tampa, which is not exactly one of your major industrial nerve centers of the free world. From there they migrated to, of all places, Lakeland, where many of them retired and died of old age. Now they are spreading across the United States and Canada, hitching rides on the many Winnebagos that pass through Tampa and Lakeland on their annual spring migration to the frozen North.
Q. How are these roaches different from American roaches?
A. First, Asian roaches aren’t afraid of you. When you walk into the kitchen at night and turn on the light, instead of babbling apologies and scurrying off to hide, these roaches demand money.
Second, they are avid fliers. American roaches are too lazy to fly unless they have been coated with an inch-thick layer of insecticide and are half-crazed out of their tiny, BB-size brains. Asian roaches, on the other hand, will happily swoop down to build nests in your nostrils.
Third, the Asian roach reproduces at a much faster rate, although this has caused some dissension among female Asian roaches.
Q. Why can’t the government do something about this?
A. The government IS doing something. Busy government scientists are down on their hands and knees, studying these roaches and producing reams of invaluable data that will be handsomely bound into a final report-to-end-all-reports. This report will be used to smash roaches as they swoop down to build nests in scientists’ nostrils.
This column was published during the 1980s by the Playground Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .