That giant green blob in the middle of the weather map? It could be the spread of Republicans

I consider myself fortunate to be living in a day and age when I can experience the miracle of a 24-hour TV weather station.

Until recently, only the most rudimentary of services were provided on a 24-hour basis, such as murders or foreclosure proceedings on your house brought about by a computer that has confused your credit rating with that of Joan Collins’ most recent ex-husband.

But now, any time of the day or night, you can turn on your television and see colorful maps depicting the spread of rainfall, the spread of hot or cold temperatures, the spread of mold spores, the spread of radiation from the latest reactor meltdown, the spread of Republicans, the spread of Joan Collins’ ex-husbands or the Earth tilting on its axis.

These maps are extremely complicated, requiring a crack team of TV weather station personality clones to interpret them for us numbskulls out in television-viewer land.

For instance, a map featuring a gargantuan green blob in the center of the United States with a little arrow pointing to it that says “RAIN” might be interpreted many different ways, such as the spread of mold spores or Republicans.

But the TV weather personality clone will clear up any misunderstandings. “Yes, it looks like there’s a gargantuan green blob of rain in the center of the United States,” he will explain.

The problem with weather is that you can talk about it for only so long. But the weather station has solved that with:

1. Tomorrow’s forecast for the known universe.

2. The extended forecast for 100 years into the future.

3. The fire danger for various household closets.

4. Helpful tips on how weather kills.

5. The weather forecast for inside your house, as opposed to the weather forecast outside your house, and how you shouldn’t let the two mix or you could cause a tornado the size of Jupiter to suck up your television and then you wouldn’t be able to watch the clever weather station personality clones make faces at one another while on camera and break into jovial, weather-related laughter.

The weather station offers various public-service hints, such as how to avoid dehydration in case of a 10-alarm fire at your house, or when to take out your houseplants and have them shot.

The weather station personality clones will also interrupt their riveting, blow-by-blow description of the fog in Napa Valley to broadcast documentaries on weather phenomena. You probably never knew the lost continent of Atlantis was done in by incorrectly flushed automobile coolant systems and cheap antifreeze, and if the Antlanteans had used advanced-formula coolants, why, we would all be speaking Atlantic right now.

Yes, it is truly a miracle that I can tune in any time, day or night, and check on the spread of Joan Collins’ ex-husbands.

This column was published in 1987 in the Playground Daily News and is used with permission.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .