This organ is not a good target
Feel no evil: Have you heard the medical expression “target organ”?
I’m told it refers to the organ that becomes the target of all your health fears, sometimes to the point you actually feel pain in said organ.
Worried about your heart? Feeling a little tight in the chest? Maybe a stab of pain shooting under your ribs? Could be your heart, but maybe you’ve found your target organ.
Another alarming medical condition you need to worry about: Tight Pants Syndrome.
Can you guess who this affects most often?
Can you guess what age group the afflicted belong to?
If you answered “40-something men” to both you’d be less clairvoyant than observant about human nature, because Tight Pants Syndrome is one of those unwelcome rites of passage into middle-age that keeps the hair dye factories churning well into the night.
The story goes that when men hit their 40s they continue to buy the same old waist sizes for their pants, which is absurd because that flat stomach of 32 inches’ circumference has gone a little soft after yeas of fudging on dessert and cheating on yardwork and letting natural senescence creep in, and that 32 inches has swelled to 38 inches minimum.
When you squeeze 36 inches of flab into a 32-inch sack, all kinds of bad things happen. In a nutshell, everything touched by your waistband becomes a target organ.
Why don’t men buy pants that fit? Partly out of vanity. Who wants to wear a pair of Levis with a 36-32 on the label, when you’re used to 32-32?
But a big reason is that men are creatures of habit. They buy 32s because “That’s what they’ve always worn.”
So all you guys with stomach cramps, pinched nerves and light-headedness: Before running to the doctor, check your waist size. Could be time for a “gentlemen’s fit.”
This week’s wire weirdness: HARRISONBURG, Va. (AP) – Bettie Phillips thought the zircon-studded earrings she put on a baby deer were fashionable.
Police said it was criminal.
Mrs. Phillips, 54, of Hiddenite, N.C., was charged with animal cruelty and illegally possessing a wild animal after officers found the fawn in the back of her four-wheel-drive with cross-shaped earrings in its pierced ears.
She said she rescued the fawn from a busy road on July 3 as she drove to Harrisonburg to visit her daughter. Later that day, she said, she pierced its ears by hand, pushing the posts of the two earrings through the flesh.
The 2-month-old deer was seized and taken to a wildlife center, its ears inflamed and infected. Antibiotics were used to treat the mild infection.
“I thought it would be pretty,” Mrs. Phillips said. “You can get a little kid’s ears pierced. What’s the different between a person’s and a baby deer’s?”
The housewife could get up to a year in jail and $3,000 in fines.
Headlines that didn’t work: Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violens Case.
Redneck computer terms: “Digital control,” as in what your finders do on the TV remote.
Words that should be words: “Inclimate,” as in, “That weather out there sure is inclimate – that’s where it’s not inclement.” (Courtesy of my South Walton grammar checker.)
This column was originally published in the July 16, 1997 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
This image mosaic of asteroid 253 Mathilde is constructed from four images acquired by the Near Earth Asteroid Rendezvous (NEAR) spacecraft on June 27, 1997. NASA/JPL
“May you live in interesting times” was more blessing than curse last week as information poured in from an armada of spacecraft whipping across the vastness of our tiny solar system, threatening to make us more intelligent citizens of our planet whether we wanted to or not.
While cosmonauts and astronauts worked in low Earth orbit, a couple of NASA darts scored consecutive bulls-eyes millions of miles from home, and another veteran space probe continued a mission that may lead t the biggest discovery of all time.
First on deck was the Near Earth Asteroid Rendezvous spacecraft, which on June 27 waltzed past a cosmic flyspeck called Mathilde.
As asteroid go Mathilde is not that special, a 33-mile-wide lump of rock that reflects only 3 percent of the sunlight it receives. But since it was along the way to NEAR’s ultimate destination, the asteroid Eros in 1999, planetologists decided to stop by for a visit.
NEAR photographed a dark, heavily cratered surface, almost uniform in color. Scientists believe these features show that Mathilde is an artifact of the original building blocks of the solar system, unchanged for billions of years.
As NEAR rocketed by Mathilde, the space probe Galileo was busy with its exploration of the giant planet Jupiter and its mini-solar system of moons. Most fascinating of these moons are Ganymede and Europa, both of which likely possess oceans of water.
The case for an ocean on Europa is much stronger, and therein lies the potential for a discovery immense proportions, because where there is water, and heat, there may be life. Exobiologists are already wondering about suspicious dark spots around crack in the ice of Europa’s surface. Those dark spots may be stains of organic material.
Think about it: an extraterrestrial ecosystem, right here in our own solar system! The suspense of not knowing is unbearable!
Then there was Pathfinder, and its tiny robot Sojourner.
Both Pathfinder and NEAR are products of NASA’s “faster, cheaper, better” philosophy of space exploration on a shoestring, best exemplified by Pathfinder, which used a number of unique technologies to get to the surface of Mars.
For instance, Pathfinder didn’t orbit Mars. It dove right in, using the planet’s atmosphere to slow it down in a maneuver called aerobraking. After its parachute unfurled, the main body of Pathfinder unreeled down a cable to escape retrorockets that would fire from above. About 60 feet above the surface, Pathfinder disconnected itself and fell to the ground, bouncing on a cocoon of air bags, which later deflated as the machine unfolded like a cornflower.
The fact that everything worked was miracle enough. The pictures and information will keep scientists drooling for decades.
What these and future space missions will accomplish for mankind is incalculable. The advances in knowledge will revolutionize our understanding of the universe, and the technology spinoffs will change the way we live and work.
But most important is this: Over the July Fourth weekend, the Pathfinder web page recorded 100 million hits. That proves the public is hungry for knowledge and adventure.
Indeed, we live in interesting times.
This column was published in the July 9, 1997 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .