They paved paradise and put up a parking lot

Image courtesy of Del Stone Jr.

Glad to be gone: I had friends down from up north last weekend.

They used to live here, but now they live in a town with one traffic light, a McDonald’s, two video-rental joints and a couple of gas stations.

Saturday night, I thought I’d treat them to a gulf-front dinner at a South Walton restaurant.

As we sat in gridlock near The Shores Shopping Center in Destin, my friends remarked about how terrible the traffic had become. It was bumper-to-bumper in both directions, off to the horizon.

Then, as we headed farther east, they declared, “How many Wings do you need?” They’d started counting on Okaloosa Island.

We took Old 98 east. They were dismayed by the construction. They said, “You had something beautiful here and you built over it.”

Were these old-timers who’d lived here back in the ’60s?

Nope. They moved away three years ago.

It’s funny. We place restrictions on movie theater occupancy, restaurant occupancy – even dog-kennel occupancy, but not city occupancy or county occupancy. Just pack ’em in, lay everything to waste and ruin what’s good about a place.

“You need to get out of here, Del,” they said as they left.

They’re right.

This week’s wire weirdness: JACKSON, Mich. (AP) – Mr. Chicken died with his artificial legs on, defending his hens to the end, and that’s the way he’ll be buried.

Veterinarian Tim England said his plucky rooster was mauled to death, probably by a raccoon, as he tried to protect the chickens who shared his pen.

Mr. Chicken was rescued last December, his feet were frozen beyond repair. England adopted the bird and had a physical therapist make Mr. Chicken a new pair of legs.

The plastic legs fit snugly over the stumps, with squarish “feet” that curved up at the toe like skis. As with most prosthetics, Mr. Chicken’s were removed at night to prevent pressure sores.

Mr. Chicken was featured in national magazines including Newsweek and in newspapers from South Africa to Hawaii.

“It’s a glum day,” England said. “We will bury him in the flower garden with his legs on.”

Redneck computer terms: “Bit,” a wager as in, “I bit you can’t spit that piece a ear across the porch longways.”

At the great Bowlerama: The pins didn’t fall, but onlookers did – with laughter – as they watched folks like Kelly Humphrey, Brenda Shoffner and yours truly bowl for the Red Cross at Destin Lanes on June 21. Kelly got more strikes than I, but at least I won the poker, which earned me a fast 75 cents (I immediately lost it to Kelly’s son Joey in the air hockey machine).

We had a good time and raised a few hundred bucks for the flood-sodden folks of North Dakota.

Later that night – much later – it was SRO at Frankly Scarlett for the Performance Against AIDS fundraiser. What a blast. Melissa Welch can belt out a tune, let me tell you. Can’t wait till next year’s show.

Headlines that didn’t work: “Clinton Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead.”

Words that should be words: (This one is courtesy of Julie Nichols), “epressed,” as in the depression of not receiving any e-mail.

The column was published in the Wednesday, July 2, 1997 Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .