Bush’s choice of lieutenants resembles a casting call for ‘Legally Blonde’

Image courtesy of MSGT Tony Lambert, U.S. Air Force

When I think of the current administration and the job those people are doing, I am reminded of Irish setters abusing Quaaludes, or Inspector Clouseau trying to remove the shrink wrap from a CD while driving a stick shift through congested city traffic, or Chevy Case stringing holiday lights and exploding the neighborhood in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.”

I derive as much pleasure from politics as I would changing Jerry Melvin’s diapers and emptying his drool bucket. But I feel it is both my right and duty as an American citizen to point out that our current leadership seems to possess the performance qualities of a mime with a bad case of the whiskey shakes.

The farce began with the 2000 Presidential White Sale in which our current leadership revealed a churlish and bratty temperament that would even defeat authoritarian parenting columnist John Rosemond’s Victorian ministrations. That unbelievable episode of political comedy has been exceeded only by the Gope-inator’s ascendency to the governorship of California.

Excepting Colin Powell, the president’s choice of lieutenants resembles a casting call for “Legally Blonde” in which the dominant color, pink, served as an expression of femininity and virtue. In this administration, pink – the color the slips many American workers received – served as an expression of the validity of the president and his advisers’ “flush-down” economic theories. The debt has grown to such Pavarottian proportions that we no longer need a space shuttle; simply stack all those red ink chits, one on top of the other, and we can climb our way into orbit.

The administration’s “Oh, let’s be hatin’ ” approach to handling environmental issues invokes neither reason, nor compassion – we will not see the president rushing from his office to apply mouth-to-blowhole resuscitation to a red tide-addled dolphin. Instead, he’ll be looking at recipes for Dolphin Helper.

As for civil liberties, let it be known that: War is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength. The administration seems hell-bent on wresting back the crown of Big Brother’s Big Brother from corporate America.

On the foreign policy scene, America has gone from superpower to That Kid Who Always Tripped You, Pulled Your Hair and Spit on Your Shoe. Our men and women are getting killed in Iraq and the administration berates the media to write happy stories about the Baghdad Welcome Wagon and Kabul Brownie Troop 462. Meanwhile, nobody in the White House can get past the 2003 Spelling Bee’s single word: V-I-E-T-N-A-M.

I don’t know. Four more yeas of drawing devil horns on the cartoon characters adorning John Ashcroft’s sippy cup might be fun.

But will those of us not employed by Haliburton be in the mood to laugh?

The column was originally published in the Saturday, Nov. 22, 2003 Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .