While President Anal Polyp plays golf, America burns

The stock market is in meltdown mode. The Dow Jones has fallen 2,200 points in the last two days of trading. Economists the world over are saying President Anal Polyp’s tariffs will plunge the world into a recession. Meanwhile, millions of Americans took to the streets on Saturday to protest President Anal Polyp’s policies.

And what was President Anal Polyp doing during all this?

Playing golf.

That’s right. While you and I were losing our shirts, President Anal Polyp was playing golf. You’ll be relieved to hear he won his flight and will play for the club championship on Sunday.

You’ve heard the expression, “While Nero fiddled, Rome burned”? Its modern analogy is: While President Anal Polyp played golf, America burned.

It almost seems like President Anal Polyp is deliberately trying to crash the economy, and I’ve heard a number of theories as to why that might be. For instance, one theory holds that he’s trying to goad Americans into taking to the streets so he can declare martial law and have himself appointed Dear Leader for life.

Another theory has it that he’s deliberately trying to crash the economy so that all his billionaire buddies can swoop in and buy up the nation’s assets at firesale prices.

I, however, believe in a different theory. It’s called the JPS Theory. “JPS” stands for “just plain stupid.” I think that’s the reason President Anal Polyp is doing what he’s doing, because he’s just plain stupid.

Or it could be the JFI Theory – Just a Fucking Idiot. The JFI Theory and the JPS Theory are basically kissin’ cousins; six to one, half-dozen to another. Either way, I don’t think there’s a lot going upstairs in President Anal Polyp’s brain.

Economists have had a chance to look at the formula being used by President Anal Polyp to “guide” himself in his economic policies, and they say it is the economic equivalent of creation theory. I guess you could call it “magamatics.” Are you guys familiar with creation theory? If not, let me explain it to you. Creation theory has it that evolution never took place, that God simply snapped his fingers and voila! There was a talking pterodactyl with a saddle so Jesus could ride around in style. That’s creation theory.

So apparently, President Anal Polyp is using a theory of talking dinosaurs to guide him in his management of the economy. Let’s just call that “Barney-nomics,” you know, for Barney the talking dinosaur.

So let me just recap here. While the rest of us are losing our shirts in an economic meltdown that threatens to reduce the United States to Third World status, President Anal Polyp is playing golf. Nero fiddled while Rome burned.

And, President Anal Polyp is using a talking dinosaur to guide him in his management of the economy.

Sounds about right. Just another day in the United States of America.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .