Like Emily Litella of SNL used to say: ‘Bitch!’

Gilda Radner as Emily Litella on "Saturday Night Live." This is a screen capture from a YouTube video.

Kristi Noem and the leadership at the Department of Homeland Security should see a veterinarian about having their anal glands expressed, because they’re oozing some foul-smelling ideas, like the one that was revealed yesterday.

DHS is actually considering signing off on a reality TV show where immigrants would compete to have their naturalization papers fast-tracked.

It kind of reminds me of a movie I saw back in the ’80s called “The Running Man” with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Richard Dawson. It’s the exact same premise. In fact, we could call this show “The Running Man 2: Make a Run for the Border.”

I’m a little curious though. What kind of competitions would the contestants be participating in?

Would it be something practical, like wall-climbing or tunneling?

Maybe contestants could go around the country, turning in illegal immigrants to ICE and earning points for each person they rat out.

Or perhaps it could be a test to see how well they integrate into American society – let’s see how many fistfights they can get into at a NASCAR event.

It could be a competition to see how many of our benefits they can sign up for illegally – you know, food stamps, welfare, medical.

Or it could be a guestion-and-answer format. Here are some sample questions:

1. Who really won the 2020 election ? (Hint: It wasn’t Joe Biden.)

2. Can you name the four food groups? Sure. McDonald’s, KFC, Panda Express and Taco Bell.

3. Where was Donald J. Trump born? Was it (A) New York City, (B) Washington, D.C., or (c) a little manger in Bethlehem?

I wonder who would sponsor such a show? Maybe a company that makes laxatives.

“Fiber Bran! Add Fiber Bran to your daily intake of Ozempic and Zocor and you’ll be running – not to the border … to the shitter!

“Fiber Bran! It’ll make you feel legal!”

One qualifying factor: You cannot compete on this TV show if the first numeral of your IQ is higher than 7 – oh, wait! That’s to watch the show, not to compete. My bad.

Who knows? Maybe such a show could work.

But I still think Kristi and the leadership at DHS should get those glands expressed.

Like Emily Litella on “Saturday Night Live” used to say:

Bitch.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .