Who dat on vacation, day No. 2

Image courtesy of Flickr user Todd Martin by way of a Creative Commons search.https://www.flickr.com/photos/tmartin/

I woke up at 6:45 a.m. to another gray day. Whoever called Florida the “Sunshine State” sold us a bill of good. Wait a minute. We don’t live in Florida. We live in southern Alabama. Roll Tide.

Today was to be a cooking extravaganza. That’s right, the Super Bowl was being played later this afternoon and I had to prepare a feast of New Orleans-themed food, which I had never done before (disaster), while making sure the beer supply never ran low (impossible).

So after lunging out of bed I set about making the house presentable for Ken and Jenny, who might injure themselves tripping over the dead rats in the foyer.

Cleaned up the bathroom, swept all the floors and then got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed the floors until you could actually see the original lineoleum pattern beneath the decades-old crusted-on dirt. I thought about tackling the inside of the microwave but decided it would be better for the planet if I simply threw it away and bought a new one.

Then I had to shower and run some errands. I had no ground turkey or Andouille sausage, both essential to my game menu. While I was out I dropped by Mary and Gene’s to get Brian to sign the bill-of-sale for the Pathfinder and pick up the old license plate. Naturally when I renewed it last October I took the two-year option, then sold it in January. They tell me I can “apply” for a rebate. That doesn’t mean I will “get” a rebate.

Afterwards it was off to Blockbuster where I used my free rental coupon for a Steven Seagal revenge thriller which I have yet to watch. I’m sure it’ll be suitably bloody. Seagal will restrain himself out of respect for civilization, then reach a point of no return and infllict fist-chop armageddon on a villain who kicks puppies and never pays his overdue fees at the library.

Next, Publix, which had 99 percent fat free ground turkey and the right kind of sausage. I also stopped at a Dollar General to buy plastic spoons and a package of bubble-wrap envelopes so I can send my Ultraverse box set to Dave for him to sell on eBay. Those dollar stores are absolutely the best place to find office supplies. I would have spent $3 on the envelopes at Office Max.

I returned home and set about the delicate choreography of “getting everything made.” First up: the chili. I could make it in the crock pot without tying up precious pans, which I needed for the jambalaya and red beans and rice. I browned the turkey, minced black olives, chopped a small portion of pickled banana peppers and threw in the last of the sun-dried tomatoes, along with two cans of tomato sauce, a can of diced tomatoes, a package of chili seasonings and the now-cooked turkey. A dash of vinegar, set the crock pot on 3 and that was that.

Then I had to cook chicken breasts to shred for the jambalaya. I had removed the breasts from the freezer the night before but I think they were still a little frozen inside because after 35 minutes in a 350-degree oven they didn’t look or feel cooked. I ended up baking them another half an hour, by which time they became overcooked and slightly dry. Oh well. They could rehydrate in the jambalaya. At least they were now easy to shred. And Ken and Jenny wouldn’t sue me for salmonella poisoning.

After that I cooked the Andouille. I simmered them in a mixture of water and beer for 10 minutes, per the instructions, then added some of the beer to the chili, which by now was smelling heavenly. I chopped up three of the sausages and set them aside with the chicken for the jambalaya.

It was going on 3:30 so I decided to start the jambalaya, which would take about half an hour to prepare. Ken and Jenny would be over at 5 so I figured I could finish the jamabalaya and put it in a casserole dish on top of a warmer, fluffling it occasionally, while I cooked the red beans and rice.

Cooking this stuff turned out to be insanely easy. Instead of making it from scratch I used Zatarain’s. I love the taste of Zatarain’s but it produces an unpleasant side effect, for me, anyway – it makes me all gassy. I figured I’d take a chance as the Zatarain’s Effect usually kicks in a few hours later thereby sparing Ken and Jenny the awful implications. I wasn’t sure how many people were coming over so I bought two boxes of the “family-size” jambalaya mix, figuring they always underestimate portions as to reduce the calorie count. Well, the folks at Zatarain’s weren’t kidding when they said “family sized.” By the time the jambalaya was done I had a mountain of the stuff. I packed as much as I could into the casserole dish and put it on the heater. The rest I stuck in a Tupperware bowl and put in the fridge.

Meanwhile, Mom dropped by with even MORE food – a batch of chicken wings, two packages of cookies, some kind of weird quiche-pastry hybrid and a gigantic vegetable tray. Oh my. I could have fed the entire population of Cinco Bridge with all the stuff I was making.

Started the red beans and rice. I then deployed the chips and salsa in the gigantic serving bowl I got for Christmas XXXX … I don’t even remember the decade.

Ken and Jenny showed up with more chips and dip, and beer, and we sat down to watch the game. I’d had the TV on since 1 p.m. and tuned to CBS, which was broadcasting non-stop Super Bowl “coverage.” By game time I was so sick of Shannon Sharpe singing “Rain on Me” I could have barfed.

Curiously, as the game got under way I got really, really full and didn’t feel like eating much, which was a shame because the jambalaya was excellent, the red beans and rice not bad, and the chili maybe the best batch I’d ever made. Wow but that stuff was good. I left out all the hot seasonings which allowed the taste of everything else to come through. I don’t think I’ll ever use another dash of hot sauce with chili.

We enjoyed the game and I was happy to see the Saints win, as it was their first Super Bowl and I know a lot of suffering Saints fans. Ken and Jenny took the long drive back to Niceville and I set about cleaning up the kitchen.

My fridge is now packed with a week’s supply of food. I’ve got mountains of cookies and pastries. The house still smells like jambalaya.

Oh, and the Zatarain’s Effect kicked in late in the night.

But a great Day No. 2 of vacation!

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .