When the 700-pound stingray shows up it’s time to towel off

Let me bore you with the story of our trip to the Bahamas. I’ll tell it in sequence, since that’s the way it is in the police reports.

Day 1: Long road trip to Tampa. I won the “Who Can Spot the First Wild Palm Tree” contest. I saw a whole row of them growing next to a house.

Tampa International Airport. The metal detector went haywire when it spotted the case of beer in our luggage.

I anesthetized myself at the airport, so the flight to Miami was OK, as was the flight to the Bahamas.

The baggage-carrier mangled my luggage. I had to chase it around in circles, yanking on it like one of those dumb games your dog plays with the clothes on the line at night. I think I was even growling.

The rental car was a disaster. I sat in the parking lot for 10 minutes racing the engine without the car ever moving. I discovered the clutch had to be let out all the way before the gears would engage. The muffler was about to fall off. The steering wheel had palsy. So did the brakes.

Day 2: I was lying by the pool, reading a book, when a Bahamian man scaled a palm tree above me. Suddenly, coconuts were thudding to the ground like artillery rounds, bouncing all around me, giving me reason to fear for my life. Dave hacked at a coconut with a knife for 30 minutes before uncovering a puny rind of meat and a squirt of juice that tasted like goat spit.

Sand and Dave took the car for a spin. The car broke down 10 miles from home. They ad to push-start it back to the rental agency. They got a new car with a muffler that was falling off, a goofy clutch – all the standard rental-car features.

Day 3: We stocked up on supplies – Captain Crunch, chocolate chip cookies, chips and dip, orange juice, etc. A case of beer cost $24.

We also stopped by a road sign that said “LITTERING IS UGLY AND STUPID” for a photo of us throwing litter on the ground.

We paid Flossy for the bread, but you’ve already heard the gory details.

Goombay Festival by the pool. The Amazing somebody did tricks with flaming sticks; we waited for her to ignite herself.

Day 4: Snorkeling on the reefs. We rode out on a big boat that swayed back and forth, back and forth, until the previous night’s gluttony threatened to make reappearance. The reefs were very beautiful; the see-through bathing suits were very beautiful.

We had a picnic on the beach. I stood on my head underwater and got salt water permanently deposited in my sinuses.

I also managed to flatter the cook and got a gigantic piece of barbecued chicken as my reward.

We went swimming afterward (No, Mom, I didn’t wait an hour after eating!). Some snorkelers nearby told us a 700-pound stingray was swimming directly below us. I decided it was time to towel off.

Next week: Losing money the Bahamian way.

This column was originally published in the Playground Daily News in 1987 and is reprinted with permission.