Long vacation road trips at night are not an option

On the list of things not to do this summer, taking a long car trip to a vacation destination ranks second only to letting a gigantic crab enter your bathing suit.

The trip must begin with somebody forgetting to turn off a burner on the stove. This recollection usually comes flooding back after the second hour on the interstate. It is followed by a frantic stop at a gas station for a collect call to “the neighbors,” except the neighbors won’t accept the charges and the gas station attendant, who is wearing a hockey mask and is sharpening a machete, stares at you the way werewolves stare at their victims before lunging.

If the trip begins at night, the driver must ply himself with coffee so he can “stay awake at the wheel,” although his last three accidents occurred when he was wide awake. Of course, all that coffee has to go somewhere, which means stops are made at every bait shop, every backwoods grocery store and every clump of bushes that might conceal a nocturnal visitor from passing motorists.

Meanwhile, the passengers are contorting themselves into various torture positions and trying to sleep, despite having door-lock knobs forcibly inserted into their nostrils every time the car hits a bump, or enduring the threats of a late-night radio station preacher who missed a payment on his satellite dish because YOU did not send in enough money, and YOU ARE GOING TO DIE AND GO TO HELL AND BURN FOREVER, AMEN.

As the hours go by and rigor mortis sets in, the passengers try to entertain themselves with road games, such as “You Count Chevrolets and I’ll Count the Fords.” This can be a game of heart-pounding intensity at night, as the pitch dark outside the window is broken by a whizzing streak of light, so that the passengers, who are now blinded, grope among themselves shouting, “It was a Ford!” “No, it was a Chevy!” and “If you don’t stop cheating YOU ARE GOING TO DIE AND GO TO HELL AND BURN FOREVER, AMEN!”

The driver, who had confidently studies the map for an entire three seconds before pulling out of the driveway, suddenly realizes he does not know what country he is in and asks for navigational assistance from the passengers. The passengers’ navigational resources consist of one stylized map-cartoon place mat stolen from a fast-food restaurant. The place mat depicts England as being in the approximate location of New Jersey, a fact duly reported to the driver, who begins driving on the left side of the road, causing a 44-car pileup.

As night gives way to the first pearly wisps of morning smog, the bleary-eyed occupants of the car are ready to stop anywhere, be it an old gravel quarry or Madame Rosa’s Voodoo & Chiropractic Clinic. But the driver’s foot has permanently cramped to the accelerator, so stopping is not an option.

The column was published in the Playground Daily News in the 1980s and is used with permission.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .