Ah, Halloween. Time to start Christmas shopping
Image courtesy of Public Doman Pictures. Creative Commons license.
Ah, Halloween. Time to start Christmas shopping – for 2005.
Did I say “Halloween”? Of course I meant “Harvest Festival,” that time of year when Food World swaps out its summer yellow Ho Hos for the harvest gold Ding Dongs.
At Harvest Festival time we Americans kick back with a warm mug of soy cider, plug in the electric Person-O-Lantern and turn on the computer to surf some scarecrow porn!
What I meant to say was “we Americans of American descent.”
In America, we turn on the television to watch some politically sanitized, gender-neutral trendy scary movies! Those old Halloween fright films simply won’t do anymore. Can’t have little Caleb and Madison getting any big ideas from “Friday the 13th Part XXII: Jason Gets a Job at the State Department.” One of the kiddies might grow up to invade Iraq!
Next Halloween, remember this story: ‘Trick-or-Treat’
So tonight, be sure to catch some of the new Harvest Festival classics that are sure to air:
“Soccer Mom Massacre” – Desperate Belinda is mad as hell about driving the van with only one electric sliding side door and she’s not going to take it anymore. When husband Squamous, the dermatologist, bingos home the guys from the Botox Poker Mixer he’d better be careful – Belinda has used REAL milk in the latte!
“Night of the Living Telemarketer” – The telephone is chirping and caller ID doesn’t have a clue who it is. Could it be Aunt Skeezy wanting the bagel warmer to heat up her bunion packs? Or somebody else … peddling ski vacations to Aspen for a time-share tour?
“The Day the Earth Took Vioxx” – Scientists discover the Earth’s spirit, otherwise known as Princess Gaia, is suffering from a malodorous infusion of negative aromatherapy from hog farms and NFL locker rooms, not to mention a bad case of Tectonic Itch. To remedy the problem they inject a healing solution of WD-40 and Vioxx directly into the mantle with catastrophic results, ending in a world class action lawsuit!
“Don’t Answer the Cell Phone” – It began with a wrong number and continued with a series of mysterious text messages. The next thing Abercrombie, Valley High’s cheerleading captain knows, her IM emoticon is spinning out of control and her e-mail queue is overflowing with attached ringtones that promise to foretell the day of death for everyone who calls her.
“Attack of the Killer Arugula Salad” – Janet Hyde-Squab Gorgo is regretting the day she agreed to brunch at Dante’s with her Quilters Against Drivers with Cell Phones group. They swapped out the Spinach with Soy and Faux Gorgonzola salad with the Arugula with Captain Crunch Berries and Strawberry Yoo Hoo kids menu salad and since then she’s been having strange drams about equipping the family Voyager with pneumatic shocks and bouncing through the ’hood, Tupac blasting from the CD player.
This column was originally published in the Saturday, Oct. 28, 2004 (estimated) edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .