Y’all remember Sarah HUCKabee Sanders? Well she’s ‘shocked’ and ‘appalled’

Y’all remember Sarah Huckabee Sanders, don’tcha?

She’s a good ol’ Southern girl. Maybe a little chunky. That’s because everything down here in the South is fried. You ain’t lived ’till you’ve had a fried Snickers bar.

Back in the day Sarah Huckabee Sanders was President Doublewide’s deputy press sow, but then she went on to bigger and better things. Got herself elected governor of the great state of Arkansas.

I was going to make some great state of Arkansas jokes but then I remembered – I live in Florida. We’re so backward down here the sun rises in the west. For fun we get drunk and run through convenience stores carrying live alligators – in fact, one ol’ Florida boy tried to get on an airplane carrying a live gator. Said it was his emotional support animal. The airline wasn’t buying it. They finally let ’im on when he came back with his emotional support water moccasin. As long as he kept it in his pocket. How would y’all like to be the TSA agent having to frisk that boy?

Anyways, back to Sarah Huckabee Sanders and the great state of Arkansas.

One day not long ago it come up a cloud. The great state of Arkansas had a mess of tornaders and frog stranglers – that’s polite Southern talk for “heavy rains.” Messed up a whole bunch of trailer parks.

So Sarah Huckabee Sanders thought she’d ask for some federal aid.

She goes to FEMA and says, “Can y’all help us?”

And FEMA says, “What the hell do you think we are? Some kind of disaster assistance agency? You want a deal on some FEMA trailers? You gotta talk to President Doublewide.”

Well, that didn’t sit too well with Sarah Huckabee Sanders. She said she was “stunned” and “appalled” that FEMA wouldn’t help. That’s polite Southern talk for, “What is this fucking bullshit?”

I bring all this up because in two weeks, hurricane season starts here in Florida, and I ain’t got a good feelin’ about it. See, our governor, Ron DeFascist, ain’t on good terms with President Doublewide – y’all know when I say “President Doublewide” I ain’t talkin’ about no house trailer. I’m talkin’ about the size of his ass – ever since DeFascist ran against President Doublewide in the last election. In fact, President Doublewide’s name for him was “Ron DeSanctimonious.”

Besides, DeFascist is kinda busy tryin’ to explain how $10 million of Agency for Healthcare Administration fines ended up in his two favorite super PACs. Well … there ain’t no explainin’ it. That’s just how things is done down here. Always has been.

Meanwhile, if one of them big howlers comes up from the Gulf of ’Merica, I ain’t expectin’ much in the way of help from the federal government.

I’m just gonna lay in a supply of pork rinds and cheap beer.

The state will provide the gators and the water moccasins.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .