Old Betsy had the last laugh on Angelo

The Car Care Council news release had a sad story to tell. It was the story of Angelo.

Angelo is like millions of other Americans – except that Angelo is fictitious. Aside from that, Angelo is a regular sort of guy.

But Angelo has a dark secret. He abuses cars.

Pinto runabouts. Chevrolets. Korean compacts … the list of his victims reads like a selection of pages from the Blue Book – which in reality is yellow, no doubt an effort to baffle those who are not in the business of buying and selling automobiles.

The iniquitous Angelo’s story began as he was driving his latest victim to the dealership to be traded in on some sweet young new model. When the light turned green at the intersection, the CCC said, Angelo stepped on the gas and Old Betsy just wouldn’t budge. Angelo had PUT OFF basic maintenance on his car TOO LONG.

Angelo didn’t want to have Old Betsy towed to the dealership, where they might try to gyp him out of the $500 trade-in they had agreed on. Instead, Angelo, ever the consummate businessman, had Old Betsy towed back to his house where he could have it repaired just long enough to unload it, as planned, on the dealership.

But Old Betsy had the last laugh. You see, Angelo had neglected to have the transmission fluid and filter changed. And the truth were known, he probably never Armor-Alled the dashboard, which left it looking cracked and peeling like the skin of an elephant with eczema. And he probably never vacuumed it or put carpet deodorizer on the floors, not even after his neighbor’s cat used it for a year and a half as a litter box. These car abusers follow predictable patterns.

Anyway, after years of this wretched existence, Old Betsy simply gave up the ghost, the automobile equivalent of hara-kiri, thus denying the wicked Angelo his $500 trade-in (plus towing charges, the CCC release was quick to add).

And what do you think Angelo learned from this experience? To stay away from cars named Old Betsy? To have the dealership salesman drive to his house on the day of the sale?

To STOP abusing his car?

Heaven forbid! Angelo learned that by abusing his car, his story would be picked up by a prestigious national organization and dramatized before a horrified and disbelieving audience of millions of people, who would be scandalized that an unthinking, unfeeling car could be so inconsiderate of its owner – the same owner who shelled out thousands of hi hard-earned dollars and asked for nothing in return but to be transported from Point A to Point B in a modicum of style and comfort, and to be able to enjoy the enhancement of his self-image by owning and operating a vehicle that functioned in a reliable manner despite its owner’s few piddling transgressions of neglect.

That isn’t exactly what the CCC news release said, but you get the picture.

This column was published in the Playground Daily News sometime in the 1980s and is used with permission.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .