Image courtesy of Raw Pixel.
When I walk into my living room these days, I no longer see the Big Empty. I see a proper home. I own the same cat-ripped furniture, the same TV from the Permian, the same Salvation Army coffee table. But… READ MORE
Image courtesy of ph by way of a Creative Commons license.
Odds and ends from here and there: Universal Bingo is sponsoring S.O.C.K.S. (Save Our Cats and Kittens), a no-kill kitty shelter, on Feb. 22 at 7 p.m. Universal is next to Kinfolks on Racetrack Road. Get this: It’s 8 o’clock… READ MORE
Image courtesy of the Look and Learn History Picture Archive by way of a Creative Commons search.
JAKARTA, Indonesia (AP) – Thousands of Muslims ransacked churches, banks, shops and cars Thursday after a Chinese Christian trader reportedly insulted Islam by complaining about loud evening prayers, police and witnesses said. I have never understood why people kill for… READ MORE
This is the author's first computer, an IBM PS-1, along with an Okidata dot-matrix printer and, inexplicably, a Caffeine-Free Diet Coke. Image courtesy of Del Stone Jr.
Lately I have been shopping for a new computer, which is like saying, “Lately I have been trying to answer the question: If God is omnipotent, could he create a rock he couldn’t lift?” All computer questions are paradoxes. Paradox!… READ MORE
Image courtesy of Pix4Free by way of a Creative Commons license.
When I was 12 years old I got hit on the head with a rock. Explains a lot, doesn’t it? My pal Mark and I were playing “fighter pilot.” We climbed aboard our Spyder bikes, worked up a head of… READ MORE
As you’ve heard – from your insurance agent probably – I have the home fix-up aptitude of a demolition expert with multiple personality disorder.
What this means is I possess all the tools, some of the desire and none of the skills to do those jobs around the house that require deft use of a hammer in some task not involving mass murder.
Recently I told you about my attempts to install a new light switch. The neighbors listened with keen interest as the smoke alarm gave them hourly updates to my progress.
This job was preceded by my “repair” of the downstairs toilet.
Some people have favorite sweaters, favorite recliner rockers, or favorite husbands.
I have a favorite toilet.
In my house it is the downstairs toilet. It is the scene where my cats and I play “rat volleyball,” which goes like this: They bat the stuffed mouse under the door; I bat it back out. This goes on until one of us “loses,” as in “loses interest.” Pretty exciting, eh? Guess you have to be there.
My favorite toilet began to malfunction. It wouldn’t flush, and it began to emit a rattling sound, as if a diamondback had taken residence in the pipe.
My solution was to “plunge” it out. I did not use one of those sissy plungers. I bought a thyroidal eggplant-shaped monster that would force a snake-strangling gulp of air down the pipe.
It didn’t work. The toilet functioned correctly for days, then plugged again, rattling menacingly. So I decided to go mano y reptile with a plumber’s snake. I disliked this route, having experienced the unique sensation of having my leg hairs rippled out by the roots with this snake.
But I tried and it too failed.
So I called a plumber – twice. And twice they plunged and snaked the toilet, only to have it resume its obstinate ways. The toilet seemed truly demon-haunted to paraphrase the late Carl Sagan.
All the while, I could hear its maddening rattle. It sounded like a child’s toy with a bead, like the small prizes you once got in Cracker Jacks. I theorized a child of a previous tenant had dropped a toy in the toilet and flushed, and here it lurked, years after the fact, haunting the porcelain.
A co-worker recommended a possible solution, a powder that, when mixed with warm water, activates a colony of microorganisms that feed on the gack that collects on pipes. Ah yes, I thought. Biological warfare. In lieu of inserting an atomic bomb down the pipe, this might do.
I tried it once. Twice. Three times.
It did not work. The toilet resisted and rattled.
I tried it three more times, and three more times the commode refused to comply.
Both I and the toilet were rattled.
Then one day I flushed the toilet and heard a loud, clunking sound. Water raced down the pipe. I flushed it again, and it worked. Again and again, it worked.
With absolutely no action on my part, the toilet had begun to operate correctly.
It had fixed itself.
I, my neighbors and the insurance company were overjoyed by this turn of events. I’m not even disappointed that I wasn’t able to do the repair myself, that I had to leave it to fate.
But sometimes I wonder … what the heck WAS that rattling sound?
This column was originally published in the Jan. 15, 1997 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone's stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra's Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year's Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone's comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled "December" for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman's Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone's novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild's award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida's best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn't look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
As you’ve heard – from your insurance agent probably – I have the home fix-up aptitude of a demolition expert with multiple personality disorder. What this means is I possess all the tools, some of the desire and none of… READ MORE
Recently I wrote about cats and received this letter from my friends Scott and Ann of Pensacola, who said:
“Everybody has a cat story, so here’s ours.
“Our cat is a master thief!”
A partial list of what their cat has brought home includes: “a complete set of switch plate covers … including covers for phone jacks and cable TV plugs; several sets of chains for hanging fluorescent light fixtures; a complete set of Allen wrenches; two paint rollers covers; an unopened bag of potato chips; half a bag of mini-Snickers bars (my wife’s personal favorite heist); countless packs of cigarettes; a set of gaskets for a ’67 Mustang (I’m not making this up); two large bags of decorative wood fittings; somebody’s paycheck stub; a bag of stainless deck clips like you hold a roof deck together with. … We’ve started a collection in an Easter basket and it’s overflowing. I know I’m forgetting some really great stuff.”
No sooner did I ask Scott if he’d mind my writing about his sticky-pawed feline when I received the following message:
“Alas, the prince of cat thieves died suddenly very early this morning. We found him last night in one of the bedrooms feeling very sick and acting like he was really hurting. After a midnight trip to the cat ER he was admitted to the hospital and succumbed around 5:00 this morning. The doctor said it was his heart. That’s tough. He was only 5. We thought we’d have him for years. You never know.
“Incidentally, I woke out of sound sleep at 5:13 with the full knowledge and acceptance that he was gone. I mentioned it to Ann before we called the vet so people wouldn’t think I was crazy if we talked about it. I digress.
“The world of animal lovers lost a wonderful example of why cats and people bond. I told you the other day of all the things (the cat) brought home. His final present was the sweetest. About 10 p.m. the other night he was hollering at the door as usual. I opened the door to let him in and he laid one of those oatmeal-cookie-with-cream-in-the-middle right at the doorstep. I opened the door and he just looked at me and waited for me to pick it up. When I did he just turned around and walked off as if his job was done and now he was on his own time.
“I shall miss him terribly. However, once again God’s grace is evident in the merciful way I was allowed to become aware of his death. I came awake out of a sound sleep knowing he just left within minutes of the actual time he died. With that knowledge came acceptance as fact that it was the way it was supposed to be. Not many other people talk of receiving such a gift so I assume it wasn’t ordinary.
“The acceptance of God’s will as an elemental force like wind, water, fire and earth is an incredible gift. With my parents, and all my relatives, aging I have many occasions forthcoming for which I can only pray I will be given similar comfort.”
I can think of nothing to add to Scott’s message. Except thank you.
Jeff Newell, our reporter emeritus who has been waging war against a pernicious for of cancer the past two years, got some really good news on Monday.
His CAT scan was totally clear.
Jeff has another round of chemo and then he’s through with eh hospital stuff. He vows to get back into shape, lose weight – all the things a guy in his mid-40s vows to do.
Way to go, Jeff. Lose 5 pounds for me.
This column was originally published in the Wednesday, January 8, 1997 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone's stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra's Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year's Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone's comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled "December" for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman's Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone's novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild's award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida's best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn't look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
Recently I wrote about cats and received this letter from my friends Scott and Ann of Pensacola, who said: “Everybody has a cat story, so here’s ours. “Our cat is a master thief!” A partial list of what their cat… READ MORE
Aquarium of the Americas visitors stand eye-to-eye with species of fish that inhabit the Atlantic Ocean. The aquarium is a favored tourist attraction of New Orelans. Image by Del Stone Jr.
I was editing Staff Writer Pam Golden’s account of her trip to the Aquarium of the Americas in New Orleans when I was stung by the idea of getting in the face of a jellyfish. Let’s do it, I told… READ MORE
Today being Christmas, I’ll share with you some of my favorite gifts of all time. The first is an electric blanket given to me by my friends Sandy and Dave Jacobs of Fort Walton Beach. It has warmed me for… READ MORE
This is an image from Pixabay. Creative Commons license.
If God had intended that I fix things, such as wiring, he would have given me frizzy, electricity-blasted hair. But my hair is straight. It curls a little when I let it grow, which means I have the desire but… READ MORE