Christine and Rainer's factory has seen better days after decades of misuse and neglect by Soviet occupiers. Image by Del Stone Jr.
Their names are Christine and Rainer, and they live in what used to be the German Democratic Republic, or East Germany. Now things are better. They own a small factory, across the street from their house, which produces rubber parts…. READ MORE
Dachau is a testament to the German sense of order and efficiency. The camp is a huge box surrounded by a moat and two rows of fencing. Guard towers overlook the perimeter. The interior consists of an administration building and quarters for the guards, plus row upon row of box-like plywood structures to house the inmates. Image by Del Stone Jr.
It was hot the day we came to Dachau. The air was thin and unbreathable, the sun boring through the haze with a strange determination. Absolutely nothing should be right with a place where hundreds of thousands of people were… READ MORE
This is a look back at the restaurant that occupies Eagle's Nest, Adolf Hitler's mountaintop retreat in Bavaria during World War II. Image by Del Stone Jr.
A river runs through the little town of Bertchesgaden, Germany – a clear, blue ribbon of foam, as pretty as a river can be. The river tumbles down from mountains that ring the village like a crown reaching into the… READ MORE
Germans refer to Berlin as the world's biggest construction project. Image courtesy of Del Stone Jr.
The drive from Leipzig to Berlin, in what was once East Germany, carries you from the past into the future. The past begins on the autobahn, which in some places still uses the cobblestone-like ext and entry ramps of the… READ MORE
Greenery is abundant, even in German cities. Image courtesy of Del Stone Jr.
When I got back from my trip to Europe, Staff Writer Bruce Rolfsen asked me, “How many columns are you gonna milk this trip for?” I answered, “Oh, about 14.” He laughed. I laughed. As I mentally laid out Column… READ MORE
The author snapped this photo of the Delta jetliner he flew aboard to Germany. In the column he referred to it as a DC-10 but in all probability it was an MD-11. Image courtesy of Del Stone Jr.
A large group of my friends – large enough to physically overpower me – escorted me to the airport for my recent trip to Europe. They know I’m a weenie about flying (as if I hadn’t collapsed into their arms… READ MORE
Planes wait at skyways at Atlanta's Hartsfield Airport in this 1997 photo. Image courtesy of Del Stone Jr.
It was not a good day to fly. To the north, an evil brew of clouds simmered. They’d been cooking in the August sun for hours, and now rain threatened to spill over. But more than rain bubbled in those… READ MORE
Image courtesy of picryl.
And God said, “Let there be bureaucracy”: My Destin correspondent, Winona Havey, who frequently ponders the imponderable and mails me the results, forwarded to my attention this little gem, which I now forward to you: “In the beginning, God created… READ MORE
Image courtesy of Flickr user Lance H. Bates under the auspices of a Creative Commons license. https://www.flickr.com/photos/7977365@N08/5709021472/
A number of people called, e-mailed, faxed, or contacted me via the Intergalactic Council to let me know what a rube I am for suggesting flying saucers are a figment of the collective unconscious. One person even admonished me to… READ MORE
Feel no evil: Have you heard the medical expression “target organ”?
I’m told it refers to the organ that becomes the target of all your health fears, sometimes to the point you actually feel pain in said organ.
Worried about your heart? Feeling a little tight in the chest? Maybe a stab of pain shooting under your ribs? Could be your heart, but maybe you’ve found your target organ.
Another alarming medical condition you need to worry about: Tight Pants Syndrome.
Can you guess who this affects most often?
Can you guess what age group the afflicted belong to?
If you answered “40-something men” to both you’d be less clairvoyant than observant about human nature, because Tight Pants Syndrome is one of those unwelcome rites of passage into middle-age that keeps the hair dye factories churning well into the night.
The story goes that when men hit their 40s they continue to buy the same old waist sizes for their pants, which is absurd because that flat stomach of 32 inches’ circumference has gone a little soft after yeas of fudging on dessert and cheating on yardwork and letting natural senescence creep in, and that 32 inches has swelled to 38 inches minimum.
When you squeeze 36 inches of flab into a 32-inch sack, all kinds of bad things happen. In a nutshell, everything touched by your waistband becomes a target organ.
Why don’t men buy pants that fit? Partly out of vanity. Who wants to wear a pair of Levis with a 36-32 on the label, when you’re used to 32-32?
But a big reason is that men are creatures of habit. They buy 32s because “That’s what they’ve always worn.”
So all you guys with stomach cramps, pinched nerves and light-headedness: Before running to the doctor, check your waist size. Could be time for a “gentlemen’s fit.”
This week’s wire weirdness: HARRISONBURG, Va. (AP) – Bettie Phillips thought the zircon-studded earrings she put on a baby deer were fashionable.
Police said it was criminal.
Mrs. Phillips, 54, of Hiddenite, N.C., was charged with animal cruelty and illegally possessing a wild animal after officers found the fawn in the back of her four-wheel-drive with cross-shaped earrings in its pierced ears.
She said she rescued the fawn from a busy road on July 3 as she drove to Harrisonburg to visit her daughter. Later that day, she said, she pierced its ears by hand, pushing the posts of the two earrings through the flesh.
The 2-month-old deer was seized and taken to a wildlife center, its ears inflamed and infected. Antibiotics were used to treat the mild infection.
“I thought it would be pretty,” Mrs. Phillips said. “You can get a little kid’s ears pierced. What’s the different between a person’s and a baby deer’s?”
The housewife could get up to a year in jail and $3,000 in fines.
Headlines that didn’t work: Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violens Case.
Redneck computer terms: “Digital control,” as in what your finders do on the TV remote.
Words that should be words: “Inclimate,” as in, “That weather out there sure is inclimate – that’s where it’s not inclement.” (Courtesy of my South Walton grammar checker.)
This column was originally published in the July 16, 1997 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone's stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra's Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year's Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone's comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled "December" for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman's Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone's novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild's award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida's best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn't look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
Feel no evil: Have you heard the medical expression “target organ”? I’m told it refers to the organ that becomes the target of all your health fears, sometimes to the point you actually feel pain in said organ. Worried about… READ MORE