How do I annoy thee?

Image courtesy of Picryl by way of a Creative Commons license.

Husband: Hello, Honey Bunny. Guess where I’m standing? <Chirp!>

Wife: Hi, Sunggle-Icious. You’re standing in line at the grocery store checkout. <Chirp!>

H: Ha, ha! You cheated, Snooky-Ookems. You peeked at the camera on my new walkie-talkie cell phone. And I can see you worming the cat. <Chirp!>

W: That’s right, Lovey Dovey. Aren’t these walkie-talkie cell phones the greatest? <Chirp!>

H: They sure are, Babe-A-Licious. Now, we can annoy nearby people with obnoxious cell phone ring tones AND inflict our insipid, banal conversations on them at the same time. <Chirp!>

W: And don’t forget that aggravating electronic chirp that falls at the end of each message, Kissy Sissy.

H: Now, now, Wiggy Waggle. Don’t call me “Kissy Sissy.” You know how that aggravates me – almost as much as your sister, who called me yesterday while I was standing in a crowded elevator and described in exCRUCiating detail the process of having those boils on her lips lanced. <Chirp!>

W: For the record, Sweet Cakes, my sister is no more aggravating than YOUR mother, who called while I was driving our carpool to work and told me a revolting story about the dog horking in the minister’s lap. <Chirp!>

H: Is that right, Snagglepuss? I was having lunch with a client last week when YOUR father called to give me an update on his hernia examination. <Chirp!>

W: “Snagglepuss”? Well, Mr. Toenail Fungus, I should point out that the man in line ahead of you is hefting a clump of broccoli, and I don’t think it’s MY skull he wants to bash in. <Chirp!>

H: Maybe he’s just tired of hearing the TV from your end blaring, “Jer-EEE, Jer-EEE, Jer-EEE,” my little Nasal Obstruction. <Chirp!>

W: Either that or he’s finally detected the fact that you’re incontinent, Groat Boy. <Chirp!>

H; OK, Scrag Hag. If you’re going to discuss my humiliating bodily functions in public, I’m going to discuss those nostril hairs you trim with a Weed Whacker. <Chirp!>

W: Listen, you Bottom-Feeding Gack Hound: You discuss my nasal hairs and I’m going to discuss your third nipple. <Chirp!>

H: Land I will discuss your naval that resembles Mount Rushmore, got it, Abe? <Chirp!>

W: And what about that mole on your neck that resembles Richard Nixon, Scuzz Knuckle? <Chirp!>

H: Liver Fluke. <Chirp!>

W. Weasel Face. <Chirp!>

H: Lizard Lips. <Chirp!>

W: Bunion Onion. <Chirp!>

H: That reminds me … the store has Vidalia onions at half price. Would you like a bag? <Chirp!>

W: Oh, Snicker Doodle, that would be wonderful. I’ll make a blossoming onion for you and the guys before the game. <Chirp!>

H: Would you? Oh, Snuggle Bunny, that would be perfect. I’ll be home soon. All the people in line ahead of me have mysteriously disappeared. Aren’t these walkie-talkie cell phones great? <Chirp!>

W: They certainly are, Kissy Sissy. <Chirp!>

This column was originally published in the Saturday, Nov. 8, 2003 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, Ello and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .