The road to science and math is filled with potholes

Science and mathematics are filled with misconceptions that are held to be immutable truths. I would like to debunk these myths so that we may get on with the business of learning about our world.

Myth No. 1: What goes up must come down.

What about taxes? They go up, but do they ever come down? No. They keep going up, and even if one does go down, half a dozen others you didn’t know about go up to compensate for it.

Myth No. 2: A body in motion tends to remain in motion, and a body at rest tends to remain at rest, unless acted upon by an outside force.

That isn’t true. I can be lying in bed and suddenly, for no reason at all, I’ll wake up – usually when I’m in the middle of a juicy dream. If I’m being awakened by an outside force I’d sure like to know what it is, because I lock my door before I go to sleep, and my alarm clock never wakes me up.

Myth No. 3: Matter can be neither created nor destroyed.

Whoever said that should take a look at our coffeemaker. I can pour a pot of water into the filter spout and a pot-and-a-half will come out. I’m usually three rooms away when I remember I have to be there, cup in hand, to catch the overflow.

Myth No. 4: The sun is the center of the solar system.

Many years ago, long before many of our big sisters were born, a man named Ptolemy believed Earth was the center of the solar system. This was called the “geocentric theory.” Then along came a man named Copernicus, who believed the sun was the center of the solar system. This is called the “heliocentric theory.”

None of this is true, however, because I submit to you a third theory, called the “egocentric theory,” which holds that certain pushy individuals are the true centers of the solar system, or at least they think they are.

Myth No. 5: It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light.

Have you ever stood outside a school when the sixth-period bell rings? Don’t tell me it’s impossible to travel faster than the speed of light. Those kids have infinite mass.

Myth No. 6: For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction.

This theory may be partly true, but I think it should be amended to say, “For every action, there is an opposite and disproportionate reaction.” For instance, if you wax your car, it rains the next three days. If you overdraft your checking account by 2 cents, you’re penalized $7. These aren’t “equal” reactions.

Myth No. 7: Distance is equal to rate multiplied by time.

No, it isn’t. I can drive from Florida to Michigan and trip takes, oh, a couple of hours. But when I drive from Michigan to Florida, the trip takes several days. And it’s downhill all the way. And I have to stop to go to the bathroom more often. I don’t understand that.

This column was published in the Playground Daily News in the 1980s and is used with permission.