Crusading varmints make fools of us all

One advantage of living in an area with low-power television stations is that any time I feel like it, I can relive those happy hours of my childhood spent watching some dumb animal save the world.

You know what I mean. How often were Bud and Sandy steered clear of harm’s way and onto the path of moral righteousness by that smiling dolphin they call Flipper? How many grandmothers were dragged from burning muffin parlors by Lassie?

At this point you might ask: What gives those animals the right to take the law into their own paws, for fins? You or I try to do that and we’d be called vigilantes.

It irks me to see animals portrayed as having anthropocentric motives.

Those shows were so improbable that a person could interchange the animal actors and nobody would notice the difference. Let’s say Lassie has come down with distemper and the producers are using Flipper in Lassie’s place. This is how the show would go:

June Lockart is talking on the telephone to her husband, who is at the ranger station.

“Darling, Flipper was marvelous today. First, he dug out a prospector from a mine cave-in, and then he put out 14 forest fires, and then he flopped over the Rocky Mountains to get some little girl’s cat out of a tree, and now he’s fighting a pack of grizzly bears out in the front yard.”

“That’s nice, dear,” June’s husband says. “What’s for dinner?”

“Dolphin Helper.”

Of course, Flipper defeats the grizzly bears and then goes on to rehabilitate an arsonist and wraps up the day’s adventures by performing the Heimlich maneuver on an elk.

Or, let’s say you’re watching “Flipper,” only Flipper has sneaked off for a stolen weekend with some manatee floozy, so Lassie is substituting for the wayward dolphin.

Bud is pacing back and forth along the dock, anxiously staring out over the water. His father approaches.

“What’s wrong Bud? You seem worried.”

“It’s Lassie, Dad. He’s been gone a long time and I’m starting to worry.”

“Why, Bud, didn’t you hear?” his father says. “Lassie swam to Portugal to save the crew of a submarine trapped on the ocean floor.”

“Gee, Dad. I didn’t know that.”

“It’s true. And then he’s going to kill Orca, look for survivors of the Titanic and take his orals for his master’s at SeaWorld.”

Bud cogitates upon this. “But Dad, how is Lassie going to have time for me? After all, he is my dog.”

“No, Bud, he’s not your dog,” his father corrects. “He hangs around for the free squid. When the free-squid ride ends, he’ll be off in the Gulf Stream somewhere, butting heads with Jaws. Lassie is definitely his own dog.”

“Gee, you’re right, Dad,” Bud declares. “Can I have a buzzard instead?”

Honestly, Benji leading the heat to the bad guys. Crime-fighting bears and housecats? Animals are no fools. Are we?

This column was originally published in the Playground Daily News in the 1980s and is used with permission.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .