Now I know why it’s good to be a Florida Gator
Image courtesy of Flickr user Bryan McDonald by way of a Creative Commons license. https://www.flickr.com/people/28155182@N06
Gator growl: One of my long-held suspicions has been confirmed by researchers at the University of Florida.
This will come as good news for Steve Spurrier, and maybe not such good news for the unborn children of Gator fans – who will remain unborn, it seems, if the University of Florida remains in national championship contention.
Here’s a quote from a press release from the UF public affairs department:
“Some would say that for diehard Gator fans, seeing their favorite team in action is better than sex. Now, University of Florida researchers have scientific evidence supporting it.
“Researchers examining how people react to their emotions sowed subjects a variety of photographs while recording their physiological and subjective responses. People categorized as extreme Gator fans showed stronger positive reactions to pictures of Gator sporting events than to erotic pictures.”
Whoa!
Is that not a mouthful or what?
No wonder the stands at Ben Hill Griffith Stadium are always so packed. No wonder the seething, sweaty masses who pack those stands are cheering – and it’s a LUSTY cheering, I might add.
No wonder the seats are so. …
NO! I won’t do that. But NOW I understand why Florida fans chant, “It’s great to be a Florida Gator!” as they leave the stadium, not to mention why so many of them are smoking cigarettes. It IS great to be a Florida Gator.
The news that Florida football is better than sex will force headline writers the land over to rethink their verbs.
BTW, the researcher who made this landmark discovery is a University of Miami grad, a school where football is better than murder.
This brew’s for you: For years I’ve been amassing a collection of American beer cans and bottles. I must have a couple of hundred. Now, I want to get rid of them.
But I know nothing about the collectability of beer cans. Do you? Give me a call at 864-0433, or e-mail me at [email protected].
I’m not looking to make money. In fact, if any charity or kids’ group would to clean up the collection and sell it, they can have whatever money it brings.
Redneck computer terms: “Reboot,” as in: what you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
Say what? Recently a letter arrived from the National Safety Council stamped “Air Enhanced.” Does that mean the letter was almost sent “air mail”? Did the mailman stand behind the airplane, waving the letter as the jet exhaust swooshed over him? Did anybody arrest this man?
I threw it in a receptacle that was “garbage enhanced.”
Headlines that didn’t work: “Prostitutes Appeal to Pope.”
Words that should be words: “Peppier,” as in” The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
This column was originally published in the May 28, 1997 Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, Ello and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
Image courtesy of the National Hurricane Center.
The list of hurricane names for 1997 is out, and what a sorry list of names it is.
The A storm will be called Ana. I have a friend whose name is Anna, so I will not say anything bad about this name. But just between you, me and the fence post, I would never trust a storm named Ana, which is no reflection on the real Anna, who is entirely trustworthy. Well. Almost.
The B storm will be Bill. It will arrive collect-on-delivery. Ha ha. That’s my only “Bill” joke.
Next we have Claudette. Claudette is too exotic a name. I see French madams prowling the gas lit back alleys of the New Orleans French Quarter – a fearful image of you worry about diseases, not hurricanes.
Then there’s Danny. How could anybody run away from a Hurricane Danny? When I think of Danny, I think of a “Far Side” Irish setter, its tongue lolling, its eyes slightly crossed. Danny is too friendly a name for a hurricane.
For the E storm we have Erika. I like this name. I see a rigid Nordic disciplinarian, one who would deal a devastating blow to a city filled with Bills and Claudettes. Erika would teach them a thing or two.
The F storm will be named Fabian.
You’ve got to be kidding.
Fabian? Do you expect me to take a storm named Fabian seriously? Why not Frankie? Annette? Or, the Hurricane Formerly Known as Fabian?
The G name is excellent. Grace. It embodies an ironic contrast between the naturally violent nature of a tropical cyclone and the gentle, moral forthrightness of forgiveness. Or something like that.
Next we have Henri, pronounced ahn-REE, like the waiter who brings you a platter of snails and sneers at your non-gold Visa card and then slinks away for a rendezvous with Claudette. You can imagine this storm muttering, “I SPIT on your waterfront property” in a French accent.
The I storm will be Isabel, as in the queen of Spain who dispatched Columbus on his journey westward. Not a bad choice, especially if Isabel is a Cape Verde hurricane.
The next two storms are familiar refrains from 1985, Juan and Kate. Juan struck Pensacola. Kate struck Panama City. Hmmm. If there were a letter between J and K, we’d be in big trouble.
The L hurricane will be Larry. I sit in front of a Larry. As I write this, I can feel his eyes boring into the back of my neck, like laser beams. He edits this column, which is why you haven’t been seeing my curse words lately.
I think Larry is a great name.
Forgive me for chortling, but the M storm will be called Mindy. We have a Mindy who works here, but I think I could take her two falls out of three. Therefore, it’s only with a little trepidation that I say Mindy is a terrible name for a hurricane. Na-noo, Na-noo.
The N and O storms have names I don’t really care about, Nicholas and Odette. I think the hurricane center must be growing desperate. Odette? Sorry all you Odettes. I think this name is a 0.
The last name on the list is Peter. I don’t think Hurricane Peter is a good idea. To put it bluntly, I fear the pun potential is too enormous, and every scatologist in the nation will be jeering.
Who would want to be struck by Peter?
This column was published in the Wednesday, May 21, 1997 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, Ello and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .