Abdominal cramping and loose stools? Sign me up!

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons user Phoebe. https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Phoebe

“Olestra may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools. Olestra inhibits the absorption of some vitamins and other nutrients.”

So says the label on a package of Ruffles WOW! ripple-cut potato chips.

Perhaps you remember the story behind this label, which surfaced last year when the Food and Drug Administration gave its permission for Procter & Gamble to use the artificial fat olestra in snack products like potato chips and nacho chips.

Critics of olestra claimed the substance, a synthetic fat molecule which, because of its size, passes undigested through the abdominal tract, causes all manner of stomach upsets.

Suddenly, public discourse was flooded with terms like “abdominal cramping,” “anal leakage,” and “loose stools.”

(Gag.)

Procter & Gamble test-marketed these snacks in certain parts of the country. Having apparently settled the issue of gastrointestinal side effects, the company has begun circulating the snacks nationwide. They recently appeared on shelves at Northwest Florida stores as Frito-Lay’s WOW! brand of chips.

Have you tried them?

Being an intrepid columnist, I decided to risk my peace of digestion and taste-test these WOW! chips. I rarely eat potato chips, sniff (but we won’t talk about those boxes of Captain Crunch cereal that disappear once they enter my house.) but I was prepared to make the sacrifice so that you, dear reader, would be better informed.

I bought three bags of chips:

A bag of regular potato chips, like Lay’s.

A bag of ripple-cut chips, like Ruffles.

A bag of Doritos-style nacho chips.

I first tried the Lays-like chip. Crunch crunch crunch. Hmmm. These were not bad. In fact, they were quite tasty. I’d rate them superior to the regular chip.

Next, I tried the Ruffles-like chip. They tasted dry, and too salty. They were better than baked chips, or other low-fat chips, but not as good as the regular WOW! chips.

I then ate some of the nacho chips. They were a tad overspiced but otherwise acceptable.

But I felt cheered. A serving of these chips contains only 75 calories and 0 grams of fat – good news for people like me who snarf junk food by the bagful. Perhaps I truly could have my chip and eat it, too.

Later that night, as I lay in bed, I heard my stomach grumbling. More than grumbling, actually. It was thundering.

I’ll spare you the unpleasant details, but suffice it to say the next morning it became obvious I’d eaten something that disagreed with me. I was miserable all day.

To be fair to Procter &* Gamble, I did try the chips on three other occasions and I experienced no GI unpleasantness, except for one mildly upset stomach. I can’t blame these episodes on olestra.

I would even buy the chips again.

But I think P&G still has a perception problem on its hands. I left a huge bag of Ruffles WOW! chips on a table in the Daily News break room, and later that day, they were still there.

That is even more incredible than the concept of a low-fat, good-tasting potato chip.

This column was originally published in the Wednesday, April 29, 1998 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .