It’s still ‘the Gulf of Mexico,’ no matter what that fat fuck says

Here I am (left) enjoying a pleasant summer day of frolicking along THE GULF OF MEXICO in 1965. Image by Del Stone Sr.

I just realized I never got to bitch about this “Gulf of America” bullshit. I’m a little late to that parade but fuck it. Onward.

The Gulf of Mexico is bordered by three nations: the Divided States of America, Mexico, and Cuba. If two of those countries and one loose affiliation of sane people being held hostage by morons got together and agreed to change the name to “Gulf of America,” a case might be made for the name change. But that’s not what happened.

No, the idea for “Gulf of America” came from a morbidly corpulent sack of spray-tanned protoplasm with a freak show comb-over and has no more legitimacy than me being named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

Some people are saying, “Countries change their names all the time. Get over it.” Some people are childish dumbasses.

Changing the name of your country is one thing. We could change the name of the United States to “Fred” and the world would have to use that name because it’s our goddamned country and we can call it whatever the hell we want.

But you CAN’T just capriciously, arbitrarily and unilaterally change the name of an internationally recognized geographical feature and expect the world to follow along. And if you can’t understand that simple distinction, stop sniffing glue.

Other yokels are saying, “The United States is a continent so we get first dibs on what to call it.”

Wrong, Jethro. The United States is NOT a continent. The United States belongs to the North American continent along with 22 other countries, NONE of whom support calling the Gulf of Mexico the “Gulf of America.”

You wanna call it the “Gulf of America?” Go right ahead. I’m not gonna stop you from looking like a taint-licking, smegma-lapping, scrotum-sucking sycophant of that giant human tick in the Oval Office.

I’m still calling it the Gulf of Mexico. The Associated Press still calls it the Gulf of Mexico. The National Weather Service still calls it the Gulf of Mexico. The ENTIRE WORLD still calls it the Gulf of Mexico. Only you mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, braided-your-nose-hairs lobotomites call it the “Gulf of America.”

Oh, and one last thing:

Fuck you.

#Resist

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .