My solution to the stinky Dolphins? Draft non-NFL players

I have thrown away my Miami Dolphins watch cap, my Miami Dolphins keychain, my Miami Dolphins Viagra prescription and my Miami Dolphins helmeted killer dolphin action figure.

I have committed these unthinkable acts because this year, the Miami Dolphins smell like three-day-old chum. If Ruckel Middle School belonged to the NFL, the JV team would have a better win-loss record than the Miami Dolphins.

The Fish are losers.

Why is this? My theory is the Miami Dolphins have “drafted” poorly. For those of you who do not study the Miami Dolphins the way some people study the Dead Sea Scrolls, the term “draft” refers to a process whereby teams choose players, similar to the way the United States chose players for the “Vietnam Bowl” except in the NFL players like former Miami Dolphin running back Ricky Williams wait until thy are two years into their contracts before running away to a foreign country.

But don’t let me dwell on Ricky Williams, who is studying holistic medicine but may I gently suggest he change his major to abnormal psychology because he appears to be, if I may borrow a medical term, “crazy.”

I am all about “solutions.” And my solution to the belly-up Dolphins is: Draft non-football players.

“But that’s what they’ve been doing the past four years!” you gasp, choking on your Mrs. Paul’s fried dolphin fingers. Tut tut, I am talking about looking outside the NFL player pool for new talent, such as:

At defensive line: that ninja guy from “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” Have seen the way that guy flew through the air? He’d jump off a roof and land in Cleveland where somebody from the Browns would attempt to draft him.

At quarterback the Greek mythical figure Medusa. You know who I’m talking about – the chick with snakes for hair. If you look at her you turn to stone, jut like Joan Rivers! The NFL would have to invent a new penalty – illegal contact with a python.

At wide receiver: a fully grown Bengal tiger with rabies. Forget about it, Cincinnati; we thought of it first.

Offensive coach: Martha Stewart. The Miami Dolphins need an infusion of creativity in their play-0calling, and who better to accomplish this task than a person who can take a box that once contained a Black & Decker weed whacker and transform it into a Swiss chalet, complete with yodeling mountain men wearing funny hats.

Safety: the viewpoint character from “Halo 2,” but with a bigger gun.

Recruiting: Lara Croft of “Tomb Raider” fame. May she unearth some of the wizened, desiccated old guys who at least can punt, pass and kick without demanding $40 million per game and put themselves on the injured reserve list every time they experience a bunion.

Front office: Bill Gates. Money can’t buy love, but it CAN buy a decent quarterback.

This column was originally published in the Saturday, Jan. 8, 2005 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .

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