Trip to Germany: The country is surprisingly clean and well thought-out
Greenery is abundant, even in German cities. Image courtesy of Del Stone Jr.
When I got back from my trip to Europe, Staff Writer Bruce Rolfsen asked me, “How many columns are you gonna milk this trip for?”
I answered, “Oh, about 14.”
He laughed. I laughed.
As I mentally laid out Column No. 3. And 4. And 5. And 6, 7, 8, …
The serial columnist strikes again. But if you’ll indulge me, I’d like to spend the next few weeks telling you about what I saw over there, beginning with this collection of unrelated impressions and observations about Germany.
– The first person I encountered at the Frankfurt airport was an immigration official who wanted to see my passport. He looked it over with a critical eye. Then, in a sinister, Gert Frobian voice, he murmured, “Your papers are NOT in order.”
“GAAAA?” I asked.
“Yes. I show you,” he said, and pointed at a line on my passport – the line for my signature.
It was blank.
He handed me a pen.
What I really needed was a nitroglycerine pill.
– Germany is an amazingly clean country. Not a speck of litter anywhere, except outside a Pizza Hut, where several English-language fliers had been strewn across a sidewalk. I collected them all out of shame for my language.
– The cities and villages were thick with trees and flowers, an amazing abundance of greenery and a delightful dearth of asphalt. It seemed every window supported a flowerbox overflowing with geraniums, and every patio was surrounded by trees and blooms.
The countryside is heavily cultivated with corn, sunflowers and wheat. But huge tracts of forested land separate the fields, and in many places forest predominates. Vineyards dot the hillsides, giving way to trees farther up the hilltops.
Even in the cities, trees are abundant, which is why the urban areas never seemed hot, noisy or congested.
It was very clear to me the Germans had learned the importance of co-existing with nature.
– American urban planners, especially those who pass for such in these parts, should take a junket to southern Germany for an immediate education in municipal logic.
The cities are neat, tidy, and use space efficiently. Seldom do you see the desolate stretches of pavement, crazy quilt of construction techniques and the grotesque sprawl that blight American municipalities. Development was limited to distinct borders, an embodiment of the greenway concept, and the wisdom of that philosophy was glaringly apparent; livable cities that had not been built at the expense of surrounding wild places.
(Maybe The Nature Conservancy could better spend its limited funds on airplane tickets for the local developers.)
– Only one place in Germany reminded me of home: the crumbling, bankrupt warrens of the former East Germany. Roads were in ill repair and drab apartment complexes reared above the horizon – all of it was depressingly familiar.
– The Germans were quite friendly, and virtually everywhere I went I was able to find somebody who could speak passable English. Having only a few words and phrases in my German lexicon, I was appreciative of their language skills, and embarrassed by my own.
This column was originally published in the September 10, 1997 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
The author snapped this photo of the Delta jetliner he flew aboard to Germany. In the column he referred to it as a DC-10 but in all probability it was an MD-11. Image courtesy of Del Stone Jr.
A large group of my friends – large enough to physically overpower me – escorted me to the airport for my recent trip to Europe.
They know I’m a weenie about flying (as if I hadn’t collapsed into their arms the week before, begging them to pray for my soul) and they wanted to make sure I actually got on the airplane so I couldn’t fake the trip, like the government did with the moon landings and the Mars mission.
We got to the baggage check-in and I told the lady at the desk, “I’m a gutless weenie when it comes to flying,” and she gave me a fishy stare and declared, “I’m making a note of that on your boarding pass.”
Then my friends dragged me to the gate. They announced my plane was ready to go and my friends pushed me forward and suddenly I needed to spend some quality time in the toilet.
“Hello. It’s the gutless weenie,” chirped the boarding clerk as he examined my pass. I should have punched him, but I was too afraid.
We got aboard. I’d asked for an aisle seat, preferably in the no-visibility section. But the airline, in its infinite wisdom, had assigned window seats to a pair of newlyweds, and THEY wanted to sit together. So while the sungglebunnies made goo-goo eyes, I got the window seat next to a spooky-looking woman of massive proportions who hogged the armrests.
We took off into Cecil B. DeMille-style thunderstorms. The plane clearly was not Charlton Heston. Our pilot said it was too turbulent to serve drinks – not too turbulent to throw handfuls of Valiums down the aisle, which would have been fine by me.
An hour later we landed at Hartsfield in Atlanta. I hurried to my connecting flight, a big DC-10 that would carry us nonstop to Frankfurt, Germany. I noticed it only had THREE engines. Could it fly all the way to Germany on THREE engines? I asked myself. No, dummy, Abusive Del answered. Halfway across they’re gonna throw your butt into the Atlantic.
As we were boarding, I met a fellow Fort Walton Beach-ite, Cat Stevens (no, not the singer – this was the REAL Cat Stevens) and her son. It was nice to know somebody famous from home would be along for the ride.
This airplane was, as they say in Brooklyn, YUGE. And even cooler, it had a TELEPHONE in the back of the seat. I couldn’t make the damn thing work, which was REALLY cool – I spent most of the trip just trying to place a TELEPHONE CALL.
Coolest of all? Soon as we took off, night happened. Couldn’t see a thing. Might as well have been on a bus. Fort the first time in my life, I slept on an airplane – well, I TRIED to sleep.
“Wake up, sir, its time for your dinner.”
“Wake up, sir, it’s time for your snack.”
“Wake up, sir, it’s time for your hot towel.”
If THAT’s all I could complain about, it must have been a pretty good airplane ride.
Actually, I’ll complain about one more thing: My fellow passengers hogged the bathroom. Right before landing, I wanted to brush my teeth and “refresh” my deodorant. So did everyone else. By the time I got in there we were pulling up to the gate.
But I’d made it – eight hours in a plane and not one single nervous breakdown.
Little did I know. …
The column was previously published in the September 3, 1997 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
Planes wait at skyways at Atlanta's Hartsfield Airport in this 1997 photo. Image courtesy of Del Stone Jr.
It was not a good day to fly.
To the north, an evil brew of clouds simmered. They’d been cooking in the August sun for hours, and now rain threatened to spill over.
But more than rain bubbled in those growing thunderheads. For a phoboic, they contained turbulence, the invisible shaking and jolting that squeezes sweat from your palms and wraps a clammy fist around your heart.
The airplane, an MD-80 that would carry me to Atlanta for an even longer flight to Europe, got itself buttoned up with a heart-stopping series of thuds and rattles as attendants pulled the main hatch shut and the baggage handlers finished up below.
I did not want to be here, and nothing would change that – not any number of statistics, the assurances of my friends, or anything else. Somewhere along the line of my life I’d picked up a flying phobia, and the fear, though irrational was very real, almost a living thing.
What I wanted to do was run screaming from the airplane, but it was too late for that. The jet came alive with a flickering of lights and a sudden hissing of the air-conditioning system. A low moan ran through the airframe as the turbines began spinning faster and faster.
For two weeks I’d been dreading this moment. Even writing these words produces a slick pit in my stomach.
Oh, and the crashes.
The weed before, a FedEx MD-11 – the same model airplane I’d be riding for the long flight – plowed the runway at Newark, N.J. It was an MD-11, back then called a DC-10, that had crashed at Souix City, Iowa. Another DC-10 went down in a billowing fireball after losing an engine on takeoff from Chicago’s O’Hare.
Don’t worry, everyone said. Fate has claimed its tribute. Your flight will be fine.
Which is what those pathetic souls aboard the Korean Air flight to Guam were thinking as their 747 flew into the side of a mountain, I moaned to myself as I read the news bulletin.
Our jet was pulling away from the gate, thumping and bumping over the steamy tarmac on its way to the runway. People spoke in low voices, or said nothing at all.
Only days before, a DC-8 bellyflopped into a Miami neighborhood, killing the crew and a couple of people on the ground. They said its cargo broke loose, causing the plane to become tail-heavy.
Don’t worry, everyone said. And they were still saying it the next day when an L-1011 ran off the runway in Hawaii and nearly did a swan dive into the Pacific.
These thoughts were going through my head as the plane’s brakes groaned and it came to a sudden halt at the end of the runway. It seemed to rock slightly. Then it was still. We sat there a moment.
The pilot announced over the PA system, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve been cleared for takeoff,” and my palms iced over and I remembered times I’d narrowly averted disaster in its many guises, and then it all opened up for me, and I thought what a shame it would be to take the sum of my life – all the work and time and energy that had been expended to deliver me to this moment – and crush it against the tarmac at Pensacola Regional Airport.
As the engines roared.
And the plane began to roll.
This column was originally published in the Northwest Florida Daily News on August 27, 1997 and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
Image courtesy of picryl.
And God said, “Let there be bureaucracy”: My Destin correspondent, Winona Havey, who frequently ponders the imponderable and mails me the results, forwarded to my attention this little gem, which I now forward to you:
“In the beginning, God created heaven and the earth.
“Quickly he was faced with a class-action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with a cease-and-desist order for the earthly part.
“Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
“Then God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made.
“Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire.
“God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire; that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, (he) would turn the light off half the time.
“God agreed and said he would call the light ‘Day’ and the darkness ‘Night.’
“Officials replied that were not interested in semantics.
“God said, ‘Let the earth bring forth green herb and bear much seed.’ The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used.
“The God said, ‘Let waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth.’
“Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
“Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then, there would be a 10- to 12-month approval period before. …
“At this point God created hell.”
Thanks, Winona. Even we ardent environmentalists can laugh at the hassle of red tape necessary to protect what God put on this earth.
Now if we could convince the other side to do the same, our debates might become a lot more civil.
Strange but true: A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job.
According to Industrial Machinery News, the film’s depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that 25 workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
Headlines that didn’t work: “Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents.”
This week’s wire weirdness: MIAMI (AP) – The Better Business Bureau of south Florida, set up to handle consumer complaints from Key West to Lake Okeechobee, is out of business.
The local agency shut down a week ago – apparently just before getting an eviction notice. Left behind were bounced payroll checks and creditors who say they’re owed $458,000.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, Ello and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
Image courtesy of Flickr user Lance H. Bates under the auspices of a Creative Commons license. https://www.flickr.com/photos/7977365@N08/5709021472/
A number of people called, e-mailed, faxed, or contacted me via the Intergalactic Council to let me know what a rube I am for suggesting flying saucers are a figment of the collective unconscious.
One person even admonished me to put away my Bible (I nearly choked with laughter over that!) and asserted people like me actually hinder the exploration of space by dissing poor little E.T.
I’m not sure what to think about all this. It’s a comfort knowing that skepticism lives in this day of McDonaldized Mass Mind thinking. But at the same time, how spooky to see that this skepticism is fueled by utter nonsense.
Tell you what: I’ll eat my words if somebody can produce a real, live flying saucer, demonstrably from outer space. Until then, you guys keep shaking your hoodoo sticks and baying at the moon.
I’ll wait for the real scientists to give us our answers.
Look for their names on the silver screen! It was bad enough that I nearly sprained my back and gave myself leg cramps trying to help Harrison Ford crawl back into the airplane in “Air Force One.” But then I had to wait in agony until the end of the credits to see the acknowledgments for Eglin and Hurlburt.
But it was time well spent for about 20 of us who remained in the theater as the movie ended Sunday afternoon. When the names of our local bases rolled across the screen, everybody clapped and cheered.
“Air Force One” is one darned exciting movie – probably the best of the action-movie crop this summer. Check it out – and watch those credits roll.
Let it rain: Saturday’s deluge prompted a very strange reaction among some of us around town.
It was such a thunderous downpour – typical for Florida – that people I talked to didn’t even try to go out and about. They stayed at home and watched NASCAR, the Brickyard 400.
I’m not a big NASCAR fan, but like those other people, I was glued to the TV, rooting for all the old-timers, drivers like Bill Elliot (who is the husband of former Daily News photographer Cindy Poole) and casting hexes on young showoffs like Jeff Gordon.
Next thing you know we’ll be packing up the Winnebago and caravanning to Talladega.
Who won the race?
Somebody named Tide.
This week’s wire weirdness: DAKAR, Senegal (AP) – Vigilante mobs convinced that foreign sorcerers can shrink a man’s genitals with a mere handshake have killed eight people in Senegal in the past week.
Attackers killed five people at Ziguinghor in southern Senegal after a man accused one of them of making his penis shrink, newspapers reported Friday. At least three other people were killed in the West African nation’s capital, Dakar.
Headlines that didn’t work: Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
Strange but true: A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other’s heads.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, Ello and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
Feel no evil: Have you heard the medical expression “target organ”?
I’m told it refers to the organ that becomes the target of all your health fears, sometimes to the point you actually feel pain in said organ.
Worried about your heart? Feeling a little tight in the chest? Maybe a stab of pain shooting under your ribs? Could be your heart, but maybe you’ve found your target organ.
Another alarming medical condition you need to worry about: Tight Pants Syndrome.
Can you guess who this affects most often?
Can you guess what age group the afflicted belong to?
If you answered “40-something men” to both you’d be less clairvoyant than observant about human nature, because Tight Pants Syndrome is one of those unwelcome rites of passage into middle-age that keeps the hair dye factories churning well into the night.
The story goes that when men hit their 40s they continue to buy the same old waist sizes for their pants, which is absurd because that flat stomach of 32 inches’ circumference has gone a little soft after yeas of fudging on dessert and cheating on yardwork and letting natural senescence creep in, and that 32 inches has swelled to 38 inches minimum.
When you squeeze 36 inches of flab into a 32-inch sack, all kinds of bad things happen. In a nutshell, everything touched by your waistband becomes a target organ.
Why don’t men buy pants that fit? Partly out of vanity. Who wants to wear a pair of Levis with a 36-32 on the label, when you’re used to 32-32?
But a big reason is that men are creatures of habit. They buy 32s because “That’s what they’ve always worn.”
So all you guys with stomach cramps, pinched nerves and light-headedness: Before running to the doctor, check your waist size. Could be time for a “gentlemen’s fit.”
This week’s wire weirdness: HARRISONBURG, Va. (AP) – Bettie Phillips thought the zircon-studded earrings she put on a baby deer were fashionable.
Police said it was criminal.
Mrs. Phillips, 54, of Hiddenite, N.C., was charged with animal cruelty and illegally possessing a wild animal after officers found the fawn in the back of her four-wheel-drive with cross-shaped earrings in its pierced ears.
She said she rescued the fawn from a busy road on July 3 as she drove to Harrisonburg to visit her daughter. Later that day, she said, she pierced its ears by hand, pushing the posts of the two earrings through the flesh.
The 2-month-old deer was seized and taken to a wildlife center, its ears inflamed and infected. Antibiotics were used to treat the mild infection.
“I thought it would be pretty,” Mrs. Phillips said. “You can get a little kid’s ears pierced. What’s the different between a person’s and a baby deer’s?”
The housewife could get up to a year in jail and $3,000 in fines.
Headlines that didn’t work: Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violens Case.
Redneck computer terms: “Digital control,” as in what your finders do on the TV remote.
Words that should be words: “Inclimate,” as in, “That weather out there sure is inclimate – that’s where it’s not inclement.” (Courtesy of my South Walton grammar checker.)
This column was originally published in the July 16, 1997 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
This image mosaic of asteroid 253 Mathilde is constructed from four images acquired by the Near Earth Asteroid Rendezvous (NEAR) spacecraft on June 27, 1997. NASA/JPL
“May you live in interesting times” was more blessing than curse last week as information poured in from an armada of spacecraft whipping across the vastness of our tiny solar system, threatening to make us more intelligent citizens of our planet whether we wanted to or not.
While cosmonauts and astronauts worked in low Earth orbit, a couple of NASA darts scored consecutive bulls-eyes millions of miles from home, and another veteran space probe continued a mission that may lead t the biggest discovery of all time.
First on deck was the Near Earth Asteroid Rendezvous spacecraft, which on June 27 waltzed past a cosmic flyspeck called Mathilde.
As asteroid go Mathilde is not that special, a 33-mile-wide lump of rock that reflects only 3 percent of the sunlight it receives. But since it was along the way to NEAR’s ultimate destination, the asteroid Eros in 1999, planetologists decided to stop by for a visit.
NEAR photographed a dark, heavily cratered surface, almost uniform in color. Scientists believe these features show that Mathilde is an artifact of the original building blocks of the solar system, unchanged for billions of years.
As NEAR rocketed by Mathilde, the space probe Galileo was busy with its exploration of the giant planet Jupiter and its mini-solar system of moons. Most fascinating of these moons are Ganymede and Europa, both of which likely possess oceans of water.
The case for an ocean on Europa is much stronger, and therein lies the potential for a discovery immense proportions, because where there is water, and heat, there may be life. Exobiologists are already wondering about suspicious dark spots around crack in the ice of Europa’s surface. Those dark spots may be stains of organic material.
Think about it: an extraterrestrial ecosystem, right here in our own solar system! The suspense of not knowing is unbearable!
Then there was Pathfinder, and its tiny robot Sojourner.
Both Pathfinder and NEAR are products of NASA’s “faster, cheaper, better” philosophy of space exploration on a shoestring, best exemplified by Pathfinder, which used a number of unique technologies to get to the surface of Mars.
For instance, Pathfinder didn’t orbit Mars. It dove right in, using the planet’s atmosphere to slow it down in a maneuver called aerobraking. After its parachute unfurled, the main body of Pathfinder unreeled down a cable to escape retrorockets that would fire from above. About 60 feet above the surface, Pathfinder disconnected itself and fell to the ground, bouncing on a cocoon of air bags, which later deflated as the machine unfolded like a cornflower.
The fact that everything worked was miracle enough. The pictures and information will keep scientists drooling for decades.
What these and future space missions will accomplish for mankind is incalculable. The advances in knowledge will revolutionize our understanding of the universe, and the technology spinoffs will change the way we live and work.
But most important is this: Over the July Fourth weekend, the Pathfinder web page recorded 100 million hits. That proves the public is hungry for knowledge and adventure.
Indeed, we live in interesting times.
This column was published in the July 9, 1997 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
Image courtesy of Del Stone Jr.
Glad to be gone: I had friends down from up north last weekend.
They used to live here, but now they live in a town with one traffic light, a McDonald’s, two video-rental joints and a couple of gas stations.
Saturday night, I thought I’d treat them to a gulf-front dinner at a South Walton restaurant.
As we sat in gridlock near The Shores Shopping Center in Destin, my friends remarked about how terrible the traffic had become. It was bumper-to-bumper in both directions, off to the horizon.
Then, as we headed farther east, they declared, “How many Wings do you need?” They’d started counting on Okaloosa Island.
We took Old 98 east. They were dismayed by the construction. They said, “You had something beautiful here and you built over it.”
Were these old-timers who’d lived here back in the ’60s?
Nope. They moved away three years ago.
It’s funny. We place restrictions on movie theater occupancy, restaurant occupancy – even dog-kennel occupancy, but not city occupancy or county occupancy. Just pack ’em in, lay everything to waste and ruin what’s good about a place.
“You need to get out of here, Del,” they said as they left.
They’re right.
This week’s wire weirdness: JACKSON, Mich. (AP) – Mr. Chicken died with his artificial legs on, defending his hens to the end, and that’s the way he’ll be buried.
Veterinarian Tim England said his plucky rooster was mauled to death, probably by a raccoon, as he tried to protect the chickens who shared his pen.
Mr. Chicken was rescued last December, his feet were frozen beyond repair. England adopted the bird and had a physical therapist make Mr. Chicken a new pair of legs.
The plastic legs fit snugly over the stumps, with squarish “feet” that curved up at the toe like skis. As with most prosthetics, Mr. Chicken’s were removed at night to prevent pressure sores.
Mr. Chicken was featured in national magazines including Newsweek and in newspapers from South Africa to Hawaii.
“It’s a glum day,” England said. “We will bury him in the flower garden with his legs on.”
Redneck computer terms: “Bit,” a wager as in, “I bit you can’t spit that piece a ear across the porch longways.”
At the great Bowlerama: The pins didn’t fall, but onlookers did – with laughter – as they watched folks like Kelly Humphrey, Brenda Shoffner and yours truly bowl for the Red Cross at Destin Lanes on June 21. Kelly got more strikes than I, but at least I won the poker, which earned me a fast 75 cents (I immediately lost it to Kelly’s son Joey in the air hockey machine).
We had a good time and raised a few hundred bucks for the flood-sodden folks of North Dakota.
Later that night – much later – it was SRO at Frankly Scarlett for the Performance Against AIDS fundraiser. What a blast. Melissa Welch can belt out a tune, let me tell you. Can’t wait till next year’s show.
Headlines that didn’t work: “Clinton Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead.”
Words that should be words: (This one is courtesy of Julie Nichols), “epressed,” as in the depression of not receiving any e-mail.
The column was published in the Wednesday, July 2, 1997 Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
Lord, help us: Why should there be any question about religion in school up at Niceville?
The issue was settled 221 years ago by people who, having experienced religious persecutions and selectivism, wisely decided that our government, and every endeavor it supports, would not favor one faith over another.
That means strict neutrality. Any other way is unconstitutional.
I met Chip Woolwine years ago and I know he’s not a bad man. But if he’s breaking the rules, he must be stopped. It’s as simple as that.
Also, some of you have treated our reporter rudely, and have attacked her for shedding light on this situation. Let me remind you it was reporters who revealed the past two meningitis outbreaks, and it was reporters who gave you information to help you cop with the aftermath of Hurricane Opal.
Do not slay the messenger, folks.
Nice in Niceville: Just to show I’m not picking on Niceville, here’s a plug for the fine folks of NHS who are trying to organize a reunion for the Class of ’72.
Seventy-two? Even I graduated later than that!
(OK, it was by one year.)
Enough with the “old” jokes. The Class of ’72 is seeking to reunite, and Tina Slown Faulkner, at 678-3506, is the lady to call. Get off your duffs, if you’re able, and give her a call.
Conspiracy theory: Is downtown Fort Walton Beach a conspiracy by no-growth fanatics to drive away the tourists? That’s the theory of one Destin caller, who lamented the passing of Caffe Italia, and the fact that it has been replaced with a cash-for-car-title loan joint. I dunno … even we no-growthers like to get our fast bucks behind the scenes. It’s probably just somebody’s idea of prosperity.
Headlines that did not work: Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.
This week’s wire weirdness: CLEARWATER (AP) – A pair of state detectives took a break from hunting people to follow a car apparently driven by an iguana.
John Halliday and Tom Colbert had to take a second look Thursday morning when they saw the 3-foot, scaly, green and orange beast at the wheel of a car on a busy road.
The car drove south on the congested highway a couple of miles before it pulled into a service station. There, the plainclothes detectives arrested John Ruppell on a drunken driving charge.
“(Ruppell) was slouched down in the seat, but he could obviously see what was going on,” said Larry Sams of the FDLE, adding that Finley the iguana seemed to keep the car in the lane as well or better than Ruppell.
Finley was taken to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals in Largo. Ruppell was taken to jail.
Words that should be words: This week’s installment is “telecrastination,” as in: The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only 6 inches away.
Redneck computer terms: “Cursor,” or what some guys do when they are mad at their wife or girlfriend.
This column was originally published in the Wednesday, June 25, 1997 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
Image courtesy of Olaf Growald, Wikimedia Commons.
The death penalty? The righteously wrathful were rubbing their palms last week as jurors in the penalty phase of the Timothy McVeigh murder and conspiracy trial decided he should die for his crime.
His crime – the April 19, 1995 bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Building in Oklahoma City that killed 168 people – was undeniably horrible.
But while death penalty advocates declared their satisfaction and pundits hailed the trail as proof the U.S. legal system “works,” some of us held our noses and waited for the stench of sanctimony to pass on by.
Timothy McVeigh’s trail was many things, but it was not a test for the workability of American justice – not when they’re letting convicted felons run free after serving mere fractions of their sentences, and certainly not after O.J.
Also, I’d wonder about a government that could execute Timothy McVeigh while granting diplomatic recognition to a butcher like Yasser Arafat, or proffering most-favored nation trading status to a genocidal autocracy like the People’s Republic of China.
I believe the operative word here is “hypocrisy.”
For a system to “work,” it must work for all.
Charity bowl: Daily News columnist Kelly Humphrey has organized the Bowl for Red Cross fund-raiser, and now that she’s done all the work, we can do the fun part:
Bowl!
The Bowl for Red Cross happens Saturday at Destin Lanes from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. The owners will donate 25 percent of the proceeds to the Red Cross, which is helping the flooded folks of Fargo, N.D. mop up after the Red River jumped its banks earlier this year and did an Opal-like number on the while town. What makes this worse for our northern cousins is their unenviable lack of WARM TEMPERATURES and a MOSQUITO-FREE EXISTENCE while cleaning up the mess.
We had ICE in our Cokes, not our debris.
Come out Saturday and bowl a few lines. I’ll need somebody to show me how to use the scoring computers, so bring the kids. It’ll be a good time – you betcha!
This week’s wire weirdness: MIAMI (AP) – The U.S. government has rejected Raul Blanco’s to become a citizen five times. But the 53-year-old Cuban immigrant hasn’t given up.
Ten fingerprints are required from applicants and Blanco only put down seven.
But that’s all he has – seven whole fingers.
The clerks who read Blanco’s application failed to see the explanation: “amputated.”
Years ago, he lost the ring finger and the tips of the index and middle fingers of his right hand after an accident at a Cuban sugar mill.
James Minton, deputy chief of the Immigration and Naturalization Service’s Miami office, acknowledged the agency goofed.
“Our office is going to call him,” Minton said.
Words that should be words: “Pupkus,” as in: The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
Headlines that did not work: “Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms.”
Redneck computer terms: “LAN”: To borrow, as in: “Hey Billy Joe, LAN me yore truck.”
This column was previously published in the June 18, 1997 Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, Ello and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .