The contemporary music message: Now that we have had sex, you can get lost

Google AI.

Here is everything you need to know about the contemporary music scene:

(Important note to readers who are about to stop reading and write me nasty letters calling me a tone-deaf burrowing parasite for ridiculing contemporary music: This is not meant to be taken seriously. I am engaging in what is known as “satire.”)

SONGS

All contemporary songs fit into one of these categories:

(A) I want to have sex with you.

(B) Why did you leave me just as I was about to persuade you to have sex with me?

(C) Hey! Let’s have sex and then maybe we will take some drugs.

(D) How can we have sex if you keep overturning my drink in my lap?

(E) I am so happy to be having sex with you, but I don’t think I like you.

(F) Now that we have finished having sex, you can get lost.

(G) I wish I could have sex with some other person.

(H) I like sex almost as much as I like contemporary music.

VIDEOS

When a filmmaker sets out to shoot a music video, these are his priorities:

(A) We will need a naked woman in chains.

(B) We will need a table, and several drinks sitting on top of the table, so the musician can turn over the table, spill the drinks and break the glasses, and we will show this process in slow motion at least 20 times.

(C) We will need a fast car and some sex.

(D) We will need a sunset, into which the musicians will walk at the end of the video, free of any worldly concerns.

(E) We will need jillions of dollars to pay these musicians who are free of any worldly concerns.

VJs

A “video jockey” must admit several intrinsic truths about his job:

(A) I am a parasite, and the world of music is my host.

(B) I am doing this only because I have no musical talent besides pounding out a percussion sequence with a spoon as I listen to the radio and fantasize that I am a rock star.

(C) Because musicians need me to publicize their work, and because I appear on television, I am an important person, and you are not, so I will treat you like an invertebrate.

MUSIC CRITICS

Music critics face a host of concerns about their work:

(A) How can I convince my readers that this album is more important to their personal well-being than the mounting national deficit?

(B) I am interviewing this rock musician, who has a purple Mohawk, a bone in his nose, earrings down to his buttocks, a tattoo on his cheek that says, “I BRAKE FOR NOTHING,” and this musician has fallen off his chair twice and has a big gob of drool sliding down his chin and his eyes are spinning in their sockets like a washing machine tub in the rinse cycle, and this musician writes songs with unforgettable lyrics such as “Oooh oooh, baby, oooh, I want to have sex with youuu,” and I am supposed to write a review praising this musician’s eloquent commentary on the human condition, as opposed to the nihilistic rantings of his contemporaries? Boy, do I love this job!

This column was published in the July 21, 1988 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .