What, me worry about a few dinosaurs, taco stands and incoming asteroids?
Guess what I read?
I read that someday in the future, an asteroid might hit Earth.
I was munching peanuts and swigging a glass of apple juice, and when my brain got hold of those words the peanuts and apple juice sort of mixed together the wrong way and clogged in my throat, and I thought the asteroid had landed on my head.
It’s true, folks. It has to be true because I read it in a national science magazine, although I can’t recall which one it was. An asteroid may pass very close to or strike Earth, and I am now looking into the possibility of buying waterfront property in Kansas.
If this sucker hits, it’s supposed to make Krakatoa look like a cap gun. Odds are it will impact in the water, which means a huge explosion, cubic miles of vaporized water, tidal waves, earthquakes, storms, floods – all those fun things we look forward to on weekends.
To give you a sense of perspective, some experts believe the Gulf of Mexico was formed by just such an asteroid strike.
Another theory currently in vogue is that an asteroid struck Earth long ago, and wiped out the dinosaurs. As everyone should know from watching “One Million Years B.C.,” dinosaurs are very tough characters. You can shoot them, spear them, drop rocks on them and shove them into volcanoes and they bounce back every time, annoyed and ready to eat Raquel Welch.
What’s even scarier is that the dinosaurs didn’t have a TV cable system that goes off the air when it rains, or cars that break down if you presume to drive them. An asteroid hits now and you can forget about “Miami Vice” … or even Miami.
OK. So it might hit. The question that first comes to my mind is: Why should I worry about it? In 150 years I will have been dead for 149 years, unless somebody figures out an easier way for me to work quadratic equations, which as I write this are driving me to the edge of insanity.
In 150 years my grandchildren will not be worrying about an asteroid striking Earth because I have no intention of having any grandchildren, since I wouldn’t want to bother them with the worry of buying waterfront property in Kansas.
A lot of things could change in 150 years. Look how far we’ve come since 150 years ago. Now we have purple hair, TV dinners, plastic vomit, farmers who are paid not to grow anything and tinfoil Christmas trees. Who knows what wondrous advancements will take place between now and then?
The people of the future probably will get their hands on this asteroid and turn it into a cheap tourist attraction. It’ll have its own McDonald’s, one of those miniature golf courses populated with cement dinosaurs who survived all previous asteroid strikes, a water slide, a few thousand T-shirt shops and a couple of greasy taco stands.
The prophet, Chicken “Nostradamus” Little, warned us about all this centuries ago, but we wouldn’t listen.
Now, all the choice waterfront property in Kansas is bought up.
But it’s still not too late for a greasy taco stand.
This column was originally published in the Playground Daily News in 1985 and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone's stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra's Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year's Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone's comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled "December" for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman's Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone's novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild's award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida's best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn't look a day over 94.
Guess what I read? I read that someday in the future, an asteroid might hit Earth. I was munching peanuts and swigging a glass of apple juice, and when my brain got hold of those words the peanuts and apple… READ MORE
Del reviews ‘House by the Cemetery’
Image courtesy of De Paolis In.Co.R. Studio.
“The House by the Cemetery” Starring Catriona MacColl, Paola Malco and Ania Pieroni. Directed by Lucio Fulci. 86 minutes. Not rated. Del’s take “The House by the Cemetery” is a film only a horror purist could love, and love it… READ MORE
Watching Mom iron my pants is like watching an artist at work
Image courtesy of Karolina Grabowska of Pexels by way of a Creative Commons license. https://www.pexels.com/@karolina-grabowska/
To watch Mom iron is to watch a carpenter join pieces of wood into something that ill be handed down, parent to child, for generations. It is watching an artist imbue blank canvas with timelessness. It is watching a craftsman… READ MORE
When they describe cockroaches as ‘three-inch monsters’ it’s time to leave the state
Image by Flickr user Greg Virtucio by way of a Creative Commons license. https://www.flickr.com/photos/gregvirtucio/
I opened into my personal computer file the other day and there, at the top of the list, was a short story with a message especially for me written above it. The message read: “Good news, Del.” A little farther… READ MORE
‘Sitters’ (a short horror story)
Image courtesy of Flickr user Electroholunder https://www.flickr.com/photos/67342500@N00/
INTRODUCTION This story went through several iterations before it became the tale you see here. I started it in the early 1980s – exact date unknown; my memory is hazy but I vaguely remember seeing U2’s “New Year’s Day” on… READ MORE
The Closet (a short horror story)
THE CLOSET A short horror story By Del Stone Jr. — Introduction This story violates one of the big rules of horror – never place a child in peril. Which is odd. I see movies do it all the time…. READ MORE
Telephone Call (a short horror story)
Image courtesy of PickPik by way of a Creative Commons license.
TELEPHONE CALL A short horror story By Del Stone Jr. — Introduction “Telephone Call” is one of my earlier horror stories, written in 1982 or thereabouts. I was in love with the genre. Stephen King had brought new luster to… READ MORE
The road to science and math is filled with potholes
Science and mathematics are filled with misconceptions that are held to be immutable truths. I would like to debunk these myths so that we may get on with the business of learning about our world.
Myth No. 1: What goes up must come down.
What about taxes? They go up, but do they ever come down? No. They keep going up, and even if one does go down, half a dozen others you didn’t know about go up to compensate for it.
Myth No. 2: A body in motion tends to remain in motion, and a body at rest tends to remain at rest, unless acted upon by an outside force.
That isn’t true. I can be lying in bed and suddenly, for no reason at all, I’ll wake up – usually when I’m in the middle of a juicy dream. If I’m being awakened by an outside force I’d sure like to know what it is, because I lock my door before I go to sleep, and my alarm clock never wakes me up.
Myth No. 3: Matter can be neither created nor destroyed.
Whoever said that should take a look at our coffeemaker. I can pour a pot of water into the filter spout and a pot-and-a-half will come out. I’m usually three rooms away when I remember I have to be there, cup in hand, to catch the overflow.
Myth No. 4: The sun is the center of the solar system.
Many years ago, long before many of our big sisters were born, a man named Ptolemy believed Earth was the center of the solar system. This was called the “geocentric theory.” Then along came a man named Copernicus, who believed the sun was the center of the solar system. This is called the “heliocentric theory.”
None of this is true, however, because I submit to you a third theory, called the “egocentric theory,” which holds that certain pushy individuals are the true centers of the solar system, or at least they think they are.
Myth No. 5: It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light.
Have you ever stood outside a school when the sixth-period bell rings? Don’t tell me it’s impossible to travel faster than the speed of light. Those kids have infinite mass.
Myth No. 6: For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction.
This theory may be partly true, but I think it should be amended to say, “For every action, there is an opposite and disproportionate reaction.” For instance, if you wax your car, it rains the next three days. If you overdraft your checking account by 2 cents, you’re penalized $7. These aren’t “equal” reactions.
Myth No. 7: Distance is equal to rate multiplied by time.
No, it isn’t. I can drive from Florida to Michigan and trip takes, oh, a couple of hours. But when I drive from Michigan to Florida, the trip takes several days. And it’s downhill all the way. And I have to stop to go to the bathroom more often. I don’t understand that.
This column was published in the Playground Daily News in the 1980s and is used with permission.
Science and mathematics are filled with misconceptions that are held to be immutable truths. I would like to debunk these myths so that we may get on with the business of learning about our world. Myth No. 1: What goes… READ MORE
Crusading varmints make fools of us all
One advantage of living in an area with low-power television stations is that any time I feel like it, I can relive those happy hours of my childhood spent watching some dumb animal save the world.
You know what I mean. How often were Bud and Sandy steered clear of harm’s way and onto the path of moral righteousness by that smiling dolphin they call Flipper? How many grandmothers were dragged from burning muffin parlors by Lassie?
At this point you might ask: What gives those animals the right to take the law into their own paws, for fins? You or I try to do that and we’d be called vigilantes.
It irks me to see animals portrayed as having anthropocentric motives.
Those shows were so improbable that a person could interchange the animal actors and nobody would notice the difference. Let’s say Lassie has come down with distemper and the producers are using Flipper in Lassie’s place. This is how the show would go:
June Lockart is talking on the telephone to her husband, who is at the ranger station.
“Darling, Flipper was marvelous today. First, he dug out a prospector from a mine cave-in, and then he put out 14 forest fires, and then he flopped over the Rocky Mountains to get some little girl’s cat out of a tree, and now he’s fighting a pack of grizzly bears out in the front yard.”
“That’s nice, dear,” June’s husband says. “What’s for dinner?”
“Dolphin Helper.”
Of course, Flipper defeats the grizzly bears and then goes on to rehabilitate an arsonist and wraps up the day’s adventures by performing the Heimlich maneuver on an elk.
Or, let’s say you’re watching “Flipper,” only Flipper has sneaked off for a stolen weekend with some manatee floozy, so Lassie is substituting for the wayward dolphin.
Bud is pacing back and forth along the dock, anxiously staring out over the water. His father approaches.
“What’s wrong Bud? You seem worried.”
“It’s Lassie, Dad. He’s been gone a long time and I’m starting to worry.”
“Why, Bud, didn’t you hear?” his father says. “Lassie swam to Portugal to save the crew of a submarine trapped on the ocean floor.”
“Gee, Dad. I didn’t know that.”
“It’s true. And then he’s going to kill Orca, look for survivors of the Titanic and take his orals for his master’s at SeaWorld.”
Bud cogitates upon this. “But Dad, how is Lassie going to have time for me? After all, he is my dog.”
“No, Bud, he’s not your dog,” his father corrects. “He hangs around for the free squid. When the free-squid ride ends, he’ll be off in the Gulf Stream somewhere, butting heads with Jaws. Lassie is definitely his own dog.”
“Gee, you’re right, Dad,” Bud declares. “Can I have a buzzard instead?”
Honestly, Benji leading the heat to the bad guys. Crime-fighting bears and housecats? Animals are no fools. Are we?
This column was originally published in the Playground Daily News in the 1980s and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone's stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra's Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year's Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone's comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled "December" for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman's Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone's novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild's award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida's best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn't look a day over 94.
One advantage of living in an area with low-power television stations is that any time I feel like it, I can relive those happy hours of my childhood spent watching some dumb animal save the world. You know what I… READ MORE
A new Asian import has show up in America. It has six legs … and WINGS!
CC license.
We will warn you for the 3,418th time this year that the dreaded Asian cockroach is raping and pillaging its way up the Florida peninsula and will arrive in YOUR home precisely three minutes after you read this, because that… READ MORE
