Pavlov is gone
The saddest thing I have ever done. Twice now.
Pavlov is now slumbering forever beneath the hickory trees in Mom’s back yard, next to Maggie. He is wrapped in a towel and has his favorite play toy, a Doc Martens shoelace, within handy reach.
He looks like he did last night as he curled beside me on the couch, his eyes scrunched into trusting V’s, only now he does not hurt.
The photograph with this blog was taken in 1992. I almost threw it away – blurry, out of focus. But I salvaged it from the trash and tacked it onto the refrigerator with a magnet – a smiling jalapena pepper holding a fire extinguisher. There it remains. It has become my favorite photo.
For two years I’ve dreaded this day. I thought it would come last year but Pavlov held on. Every time I thought it was Time he rallied and with relief I would put away the pet carrier.
But Tuesday I knew this was it.
I have no regrets. I spent lots of time with him these last few days. I held him a lot. I rubbed his eyebrows. I filled his bowls with anything he wanted to eat. I didn’t complain when he peed on the carpet or pooped in the hallway.
At 4 p.m. today I came home. Pavlov was hiding behind the TV, where he had spent the past two weeks. He looked so tired and confused. He had thrown up, peed and pooped all over the living room. I changed clothes, got the pet carrier out of the closet, and found his shoelace.
Then, I gathered him from behind the TV and held him very close to me, rubbing his eyebrows. He always liked his eyebrows rubbed. He got into the pet carrier with no complaint, and meowed very little on the trip out.
When the vet, Kelly Haeusler, told me it was time, I held him again and told him how sorry I was. When the needle went in he was gone almost instantly.
When I left the building with Pavlov in the pet carrier I cried. A woman and her son were parked next to me and saw me. They hugged their dog and I’d like to think they were thanking God he was still with them and they would not have to face this day for many years.
It was deliciously cool beneath the hickory nut trees. Mom arranged Pavlov with his towel and his shoelace, and I gave him a final scratch behind the ears and a rub of the eyebrows.
I find myself checking the doors to make sure they’re closed or walking with my head down to keep from stepping on a cat. I don’t need to do that any longer but it’s been 17 years and old habits are hard to break.
This house seems so empty and lonely without him.
I love you, Pavlov.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
Photo courtesy of Del Stone Jr.
This morning I took Pavlov to the vet and she had The Talk with me.
The Talk amounted to this: If at any moment after today I look into his eyes and decide he’s had enough she would support my decision.
So. My old friend’s life is in my hands.
I am giving him double the insulin and double the fluids I was before. He has three kinds of food he can choose from. He gets a massage/brushing every day, a laxative to keep him from becoming constipated, and antibiotics for a persistent respiratory infection. Apart from that there’s nothing I can do.
He spends his day crouched on the Polo beach towel by the door to my office. He still eats, drinks and poops but that’s about it. Sometimes he will visit me on the couch but he always retires to the floor behind the stereo.
From a human perspective that’s not much of a life, but for a cat it may be exactly what he wants right now.
I don’t think he’s suffering. He doesn’t look like he’s in pain. But I can see he’s tired, maybe too tired. I don’t know.
Once before I said I’d give him a week. Sure enough he bounced back. But the news today suggests he may have used up all the reservoirs of strength he’s been running on.
We’ll see how he’s doing at the end of the week. I’ve got to give the insulin a chance to work.
If it doesn’t, however, then I guess I will do what a friend would do.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, Ello and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
Image courtesy of Del Stone Jr.
Monday night, I bought a coffin for Maggie.
I chose a white satin-finish hatbox, the right size for a 4-pound cat.
I wanted to bury her in Mom’s back yard so she could be outside. We lived near a busy road and she never got to be outside when she was alive.
Maggie came into my life in 1991. She was a companion for my other cat, Pavlov. Little did I know she would steal my heart.
I found her at PAWS. She was snuggled with a littermate and I took her home with me. Over the years I wondered what happened to that littermate. I hope somebody took him home, too.
Maggie was the cat Pavlov never became. While Pavlov grew fat and earthbound, Maggie lolled in the window, drinking the sun. She preferred high places and once disappeared on the roof, reappearing on a neighbor’s patio. That prompted a midnight visit from Mom, Dad and Dad’s extension ladder.
But her favorite place was my lap. Summer or winter – it didn’t matter. She would climb aboard, make biscuits with her claws and abruptly plop down, sleeping for as long as I cared to sit still. I can’t count the times I remained on the couch long after I needed to use the bathroom because I didn’t want to disturb the cat.
I knew she would live forever.
In July, Maggie began to act strangely. She refused the litter box, using the mat in front. I thought she was upset over the hurricane. I laid out plastic sheeting and newspapers.
She began to lose weight. Her hip bones showed and her fur, which had always shone a lustrous tabby orange, became dull and scruffy. Something was wrong. I took her to our longtime vet, Kelly Haeusler at Airport Vet in Destin.
The diagnosis shocked me. Her kidneys were shutting down, a common malady among older cats. Her life could be prolonged by IVs but the end was inevitable.
I opted for the IVs. It became our daily ritual – a session in the bathroom with a needled hooked under skin. The fluids would form a comical pocket around her shoulders, giving her the look of a lion with a mane.
At first she gained weight and I was hopeful. But then she began to slide downhill. I watched her go from 7 pounds to 6, then 5. Her throat was so dry she could not meow. Toward the end, it hurt too much to lie down.
On her last day, I took her outside and let her stand in the grass. She made little squeaking sounds and bobbed her head, as if trying to take in the entire world in a single moment. I had to hold her up. She was light as a soul.
Then we made the long drive to Destin. I held her as the needle went in and her life floated away from me like a dandelion seed on the wind, something beautiful and irreplaceable lost to me forever.
I know that someday I will be happy again, but never in precisely the same way and that makes me cry.
But at least she can lie down now. And she will always be outside.
I hope I gave Maggie a good life.
I hope she knows how much I love her.
This column was published in the December 28, 2005 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, Ello and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .