The great outdoors is greater in concept than reality
Each spring, as flowers and hay fever sufferers burst into bloom, our thoughts turn to flights of fancy, such as a camping adventure.
I am a veteran of a camping adventure, and the fact that I am here to tell you about it is a testament to how far we have advanced, as a civilization, in the field of reconstructive brain surgery.
If you are thinking about a camping adventure, let me advise you to lie down and take several pills, until the feeling passes or you die. If you refuse to do that, then I refer you to my story, “Camping in Florida, or Why Spain Was So Eager to Lose the War.”
MANATEE SPRINGS STATE PARK
My camping adventure begins at Manatee Springs State Park. Manatee Springs is considered an “unspoiled” area, which means we will not be camping next to a Jiffy Mart Video Rental Center. It is called Manatee Springs because, long ago, manatees (also known as “sea cows”) flocked to the park to hide from sex-starved sailors who mistook them for Soviet mermaids.
As we approach the entrance, we are greeted by a park ranger. There’s no sign of Lassie, however. The ranger offers us a list of helpful survival hints, such as: DO NOT PET THE WATER MOCCASINS.
The campground is in a heavily wooded tract which has probably remained unchanged for hundreds of years, since the time Indians camped there and cursed the lack of Jiffy Marts. Our campsite is a lovely 20- by 20-foot square of dirt, equipped with a 20th century water faucet jutting from a slab of concrete in a manner reminiscent of the Sword in the Stone. We could have stayed in one of your better Econo-Lodges for almost the same price, but who would waste a perfectly good vacation at an Econo-Lodge, with its relentless hot water and plush beds, when he can sleep on dirt with the fire ants and water moccasins?
Our home for the next week is a tent, which is as simple to assemble as a child’s Christmas toy, which we all know is impossible to assemble, especially if we have been drinking. The tent is a marvel of contemporary engineering in that it RETAINS HEAT, a feature which will serve us well on those chilly Florida nights when the temperature actually plummets below 85.
Our “neighbors” are a man, his wife and two children, although the children might actually be the wild hogs the helpful park ranger warned us not to pet. The man is so overweight he looks as if he needs orthopedic sawhorses to prop up his many quivering chins. He is sitting in a lawn chair, and my keen woodland instincts tell me he has not moved in a very long time, perhaps since Indians roamed the area, because of the moss growing on his north side. I don’t remember his name, so I’ll just call him “Bob.”
We quickly establish relations with the Bobs, promising to come to each other’s aid should we be attacked.
Next week: camping highlights.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .