Today is my birthday. Here is a list of my demands

I don't know who took this picture. They should never be allowed to use a camera again.

Today is my birthday. Here is a list of my demands.

I want a Gulfstream private jet. That way Taylor Swift and I can drop down to Key West for lunch, or make a day of shopping at those cute little boutiques in Panama.

If you’re not going to buy me the Gulfstream, how about a Bugatti Chiron sports car? Imagine, a car that sits so low to the ground you can slide under the 18-wheelers as you cruise down the interstate at over 300 mph. Perfect for navigating the parking lot at Walmart.

If the Bugatti doesn’t work for you, I can make this simple: Give me 346 million dollars. Why 346 million? That’s enough money that I can buy all the trinkets I want, but not so much that it makes me look greedy.

You’re not going to do any of those things, are you. (Cheapskate.) Well at least do this:

Like this post, and leave a comment. Wish me a happy birthday. Tell me I look good for my age. Follow, or subscribe, or whatever – just attach yourself to me in some way … not like a parasite, but you know what I mean. In a way that seems to mean something but really doesn’t.

I need the affirmation. I’m 69 now, the last year that I can conceivably claim to be “middle aged” before I become the next poster child for AARP.

I guess I should wrap this up with something funny, or wry, but to be honest, I can’t think of anything. I’m having a senior moment.

That’s it. I’m done.

Bye.

P.S. – That picture of me was taken 24 years ago. I look much worse now. But I really like that Ecko shirt. I wish I still had it. I wish it would still fit.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .