I just got the results from my first post-surgery PSA test

I’m still leaking.

I’ve been leaking since July 31, when they took out my catheter.

That’s OK. It’s only been a month since my radical prostatectomy. My understanding is it could be two to three months at the earliest, or two to three years at the latest, before I regain control of my bladder.

I’m prepared to live with that. My new life is not so bad. I wear adult pull-ups, and I line them with a folded paper towel. I change the paper towel 10 or so times a day. It works for me.

I keep telling myself: I don’t have cancer. That’s my consolation. But that assurance was put to the test recently when I received a lab order for a follow-up PSA test.

If you’re not familiar, PSA stands for prostate-specific antigen. When you have tissue in your prostate that’s cancerous, your body forms antigens to attack that specific tissue. Doctors can measure the level of antigens in your body to determine your cancer risk.

It never occurred to me that my PSA could be anything other than zero after a radical prostatectomy. But apparently it can. If any cancer-producing tissue remains, the body continues to respond with antigens, hence a PSA number that’s higher than zero.

I had my PSA follow-up on Aug. 21. Then, I made the mistake of looking online.

According to the data, I should have waited two to three months after my surgery to have my PSA levels checked. That gives the body time to expel any lingering antigens. I had scheduled my PSA test for just shy of a month after my procedure.

Which meant my number was likely to be higher than zero.

I know. Just get another PSA, right?

Yes, of course. But it was the terror of seeing that number on the results sheet, of having to explain to my doctors I’d jumped the gun on my PSA, of having a new PSA scheduled and sweating out the wait before I got the results. I wanted to be DONE with this thing, once and for all.

Just today, Aug. 25, I was cleaning out my email when I got a notice from the lab. My results were in. A void appeared in my stomach. I could feel it sucking in my body, molecule by molecule. I did not want to log into my account. I did not want to open that file.

I did not want to see that number.

But I made myself do it because not looking wouldn’t change a thing. I didn’t want to live in terror until the next time I met with my urologist.

I logged in. I found the “test results” tab and clicked on it. I found the file containing my PSA test result. I clicked on it. The number I wanted to see was <0.1 – undetectable.

The number was <0.1 – undetectable.

I was so relieved I almost experienced a different kind of incontinence, which is to say I almost shit myself. No sweeter word ever existed at that moment than “undetectable.”

I quickly logged out before the number could change or the computer could say, “Ha, ha, just kidding” or anything that could make me believe my PSA levels were anything less than “undetectable.”

Wow, I can breathe again.

So now, it’s just a matter of doing my exercises, changing out my paper towels and hoping I can make it through a round of weed-pulling or lawn-mowing or park-walking without weeing myself. I can live with that.

Because I’m going to live.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .