While President Anal Polyp plays golf, America burns
The stock market is in meltdown mode. The Dow Jones has fallen 2,200 points in the last two days of trading. Economists the world over are saying President Anal Polyp’s tariffs will plunge the world into a recession. Meanwhile, millions of Americans took to the streets on Saturday to protest President Anal Polyp’s policies.
And what was President Anal Polyp doing during all this?
Playing golf.
That’s right. While you and I were losing our shirts, President Anal Polyp was playing golf. You’ll be relieved to hear he won his flight and will play for the club championship on Sunday.
You’ve heard the expression, “While Nero fiddled, Rome burned”? Its modern analogy is: While President Anal Polyp played golf, America burned.
It almost seems like President Anal Polyp is deliberately trying to crash the economy, and I’ve heard a number of theories as to why that might be. For instance, one theory holds that he’s trying to goad Americans into taking to the streets so he can declare martial law and have himself appointed Dear Leader for life.
Another theory has it that he’s deliberately trying to crash the economy so that all his billionaire buddies can swoop in and buy up the nation’s assets at firesale prices.
I, however, believe in a different theory. It’s called the JPS Theory. “JPS” stands for “just plain stupid.” I think that’s the reason President Anal Polyp is doing what he’s doing, because he’s just plain stupid.
Or it could be the JFI Theory – Just a Fucking Idiot. The JFI Theory and the JPS Theory are basically kissin’ cousins; six to one, half-dozen to another. Either way, I don’t think there’s a lot going upstairs in President Anal Polyp’s brain.
Economists have had a chance to look at the formula being used by President Anal Polyp to “guide” himself in his economic policies, and they say it is the economic equivalent of creation theory. I guess you could call it “magamatics.” Are you guys familiar with creation theory? If not, let me explain it to you. Creation theory has it that evolution never took place, that God simply snapped his fingers and voila! There was a talking pterodactyl with a saddle so Jesus could ride around in style. That’s creation theory.
So apparently, President Anal Polyp is using a theory of talking dinosaurs to guide him in his management of the economy. Let’s just call that “Barney-nomics,” you know, for Barney the talking dinosaur.
So let me just recap here. While the rest of us are losing our shirts in an economic meltdown that threatens to reduce the United States to Third World status, President Anal Polyp is playing golf. Nero fiddled while Rome burned.
And, President Anal Polyp is using a talking dinosaur to guide him in his management of the economy.
Sounds about right. Just another day in the United States of America.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
This is me in 1985, standing at the door of my '84 Firebird. Wasn't I a sleek, svelte little punk? Image by Joyce Stone
Di you enjoy Thanksgiving?
I didn’t. I had a plate brimming with guilt, an extra helping of disgust, and I topped it off with a bowl of frosty self-loathing.
See, it’s the weight thing.
As in, I’m gaining weight. After 16 years of tipping the scales at 145 pounds, I’m starting to blimp out.
It’s all because I quit drinking and smoking.
Seriously. Back when I guzzled three six-packs of beer and smoked half a carton of cigarettes every day, I was a slim, svelte, lithe creature who could spring from bed with an eye-popping hangover and jog five miles, no trouble at all.
Now that I eschew alcohol in its every form, frown at smokers as I hurry by (hand over mouth-nose), and eat nothing but low-fat, vitamin-enriched fruits and vegetables, I feel like HELL. My gut hangs over my pants so extensively it’s giving me hernias. I can barely fall out of bed in the morning, and five miles along city streets is possible only if my body becomes snagged in the axle of a passing truck.
How did this evil thing happen?
“Metabolism.”
Some people are lucky to be born with a “high” metabolism. What this means is they can eat their body weight in fried lard every day and never gain an ounce, and have the cholesterol level of a Buddhist monk who has subsisted on nothing more than pure thoughts and serenity.
How nice.
The creeps.
Meanwhile, there are the Sad Sacks like me. Our metabolisms are “low.” We eat a Grape Nut and have to go purge, lest the waistbands of our slacks cut off the blood flow to our brains. Our arteries resemble root-clogged sewer drains. Our blood pressure reminds the doctor of that boiler scene from “The African Queen.”
That was my life story until 1979, when I stumbled across the secret to losing weight. It had nothing to do with cabbages.
It had everything to do with NOT eating, and what a splendid diet that was – for a young dissipated person with nothing to spend his money on but vice. You drink as much as you like, smoke as much as you like, and LOSE WEIGHT DOING IT! Never mind those chest pains and migraines. Everything equaled out on the Scales of Poundage. Sign me up!
I lived like that until six years ago, when the beer went bye bye. I actually LOST weight – a cookie for being such a good boy.
Last year, the smokes joined the beer. But did I get my cookie?
Apparently I got a whole BAG of cookies because BOOM! Instantly, my body took revenge for all the abuse I’d heaped on it. Flab rolls sprang forth. Nerves pinched. Joints ached. Pants cut into flesh. Lips started sweating – you’re in trouble when your lips sweat.
It had to be metabolism. Now that stimulates no longer forced my heart to pound sparrow-like, my other bodily functions slowed, energy consumption went down, fat stores went up. …
And the Michelin Man rolled forth.
If you hadn’t noticed, I RESENT this. I’m not trying to rationalize a return to the booze and smokes, but I WANT MY COOKIE for giving up those vices. I want to fit into my pants again.
I’m dieting now. I haven’t lost any weight, and I’m starving, and it’s Thanksgiving for crying out loud.
Give me my cookies – the entire bag, please.
This column was originally published in the Wednesday, Dec. 4, 1996 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
Image courtesy of Warner Bros. and Legendary.
“A Minecraft Movie” Starring Jack Black as Steve, Jason Momoa as Garrett, Emma Myers as Natalie, Sebastian Hansen as Henry, Danielle Brooks as Dawn, Jennifer Coolidge as Vice Principal Marlene, and others. Directed by Jared Hess. 1 hour, 41 minutes. Rated PG. Theatrical release.
Mladen’s take
The audience of mostly youngsters in the nearly full theater clapped as the credits rolled. During “A Minecraft Movie,” they anticipated dialogue, “I am Steve” and “Chicken Jockey” are examples. Everybody at the old multiplex in Fort Walton Beach enjoyed the movie.
But, how do I really know that the film is an A? It warmed Del’s heart, which functions best at Absolute Zero. The curmudgeon chuckled and almost‑laughed at regular intervals throughout the film. Uncanny.
“A Minecraft Movie,” which is based on the crazy popular videogame Minecraft, is charming, not quite “A Princess Bride” charming but darned close. The film takes place in three worlds: ours, Overworld, and the Minecraft version of Hades, the Nether. The Nether is run by a mean pig thing. The mean pig thing hates Overworld because it runs on creativity and, dare I say, peace and tranquility and hope. Oh, Overworld has gold, which the mean pig thing, a rejected reality dance show participant, wants. In short, the Nether is the poser presidency of the Trump administration and Overworld the realm in which everyone but MAGA would like the live.
I only play first person shooter video games, though I’m irritated right now with Cyberpunk 2077. What the hell does it take for Kerry to call in timely fashion, so that I can finish my remaining side missions? Anyway, I haven’t played Minecraft the video game and I didn’t feel like I should have to understand “A Minecraft Movie.” The film is self-contained. Certainly, the kids and young adults watching it enjoyed the movie more than me because they knew the lore. But, because the movie is well written, nicely directed, and pleasingly acted, I never felt lost.
Another reason to like the movie is its balance. The green screen visuals are top notch but they exist to enhance the very human tale about friendship, loyalty to family, and the merits of goodness. There’s plenty of action – armies colliding, blimp chases, fireballs exploding against mountainsides, creeper bodies bursting into flames – but no gore. When a piglin is slayed, it turns into a pork chop. That made me ache for one of my world-class, thick-cut, bone‑in, skillet‑fried chops seasoned with only salt and pepper rather than exhaling in disbelief and grunting at some bit of awesome gruesomeness.
“A Minecraft Movie” sound effects are terrific. We didn’t see the film in an IMAX or Dolby theater but there’s no doubt that big sound and bigger screens would enhance this bouncy sci-fi fantasy comedy adventure film. The sound track and score also fit the movie to a tee. The decibel range of the movie is as good as any I’ve heard. From the tink of the mean pig thing’s metal staff on a stone floor to Villager mumbling to fireball detonations, I enjoyed the film’s aural presence.
That said, “A Minecraft Movie” does have an insincere-ish, soppy moment or two. Momoa’s Garrett confessing he’s a loser living in the bygone ago of him as a gamer of the year was, I don’t know, annoying and obvious. No need for exposition there because it didn’t matter. Garrett took care of his friends. That’s what mattered. Black’s Steve sang just a little too much. Brooks’s Dawn, at times, just felt sort of artificially inserted into the film to round‑out the gang of sidekicks. Also, the effort to insert Overworld beings into our world was underdeveloped.
Stay past the credits and you’ll see that “A Minecraft Movie” sets up a potential sequel. I predict that the sequel will happen because “A Minecraft Movie” is on its way to blockbuster status like a not-too-long-ago film based on buxom blonde toy doll that I suspected would never succeed.
Become a part of Movie Face-Off. Let us know what you think.
Del’s take
This won’t be much of a Movie Face-Off because Mladen and I are in total agreement: “A Minecraft Movie” is a smash hit and will be to this year what “Barbie” was to 2023.
In fact, I can’t remember a time I had so much fun watching a movie. Maybe in 1980, when my friend Scott and I caught a Friday night showing of “Cheech & Chong’s Next Movie.” Or maybe a midnight screening of “Dawn of the Dead” at University Mall in Pensacola way back in 1984.
The theater at Santa Rosa Mall in Mary Esther, Fla., was packed for “Minecraft.” When was the last time you saw that? Mladen and I were one of a very few audience members over the age of 30. And I can’t decide which I enjoyed more – the movie itself or the kids enjoying the movie. They were reciting lines from the film, just like “Rocky Horror Picture Show,” and laughing and cheering at the funny bits.
When the movie ended the theater erupted in loud and continuous applause. Kids were chanting “Mine-craft, Mine-craft!” and stayed through the credits, erupting in more cheers when a teaser reel for the probable sequel appeared.
It was a blast and it reminded me of my movie-going experiences as a kid in Royal Oaks outside Torrejon Air Base, Spain. Every Saturday morning my sister Sandie and I trooped to the theater for the latest matinee, which consisted of the national anthem, two or three previews, a newsreel, a cartoon, the latest installment of a goofy low-rent sci-fi serial, and then the movie itself.
“Minecraft” is just terrific, with tons of very smart humor writing that operated on many levels, from outright slapstick to slyly sophisticated innuendo. The visuals were stunning – I bet this movie kicks ass in 3-D. And the soundtrack was bliss to an ’80s hair band fan – I never knew Jack Black could sing!
Speaking of which, he and Jennifer Coolidge were damn good in their roles, but in my book the actor who stole the show was Jason Momoa as Garrett “The Garbage Man” Garrison, a washed up professional videogame player who’s about to lose his vintage videogame store to the bank. He’s a perfect combination of good intentions, accidental heroism and dumb bravado – plus he’s damn funny.
And that’s one of the virtues of “A Minecraft Movie.” It’s almost meta in its mirth, never taking itself too seriously, mischievously self-aware while serving up some serious laughs. Mladen was exaggerating when he said I almost laughed – hell, I laughed out loud throughout.
“Minecraft,” with its message that friendship and goodness are worth fighting for, is one of those rare movies that appeals to kids and adults, especially folks who grew up playing Minecraft the video game (I have NEVER played Minecraft and I was still able to enjoy the movie, so there).
According to The Hollywood Reporter “A Minecraft Movie” is on course to blow every other movie this year out of the water and may even take down “A Super Mario Brothers Movie” as the No. 1 videogame-related movie box office winner. I can see why. It’s hilarious, entertaining, and the audience we saw it with made it all the more enjoyable.
I give it an A+. Take your kids to see it – hell, take yourself to see it.
Mladen Rudman is a former journalist and technical writer. Del Stone Jr. is a former journalist and writer.
Two minutes after I uploaded my Farewell to TikTok video yesterday I came to find out the Hemorrhoid in Chief had extended the deadline on the ban by another 75 days.
In fact, The Associated Press is reporting Trump had been preparing to announce a deal whereby the American affiliate of TikTok would be spun off into a separate company with American stockholders holding the majority shares and the current owner, Bytedance, assuming a minority role.
But Trump’s latest round of economy-killing tariffs angered the Bejing leadership, which scuttled the deal, forcing Trump to extend the ban. It’s hoped by offering tariff relief as an incentive, Bejing can be coaxed back to the negotiating table and an Americanized version of the popular app can be finalized.
People who wanted Trump to run the country like a business have gotten their wish – he IS running the country like a business, specifically that perpetually going-out-of-business mattress store down at the corner of Fifth and Main.
Oh well. You know what this means: Another 75 days of me owning the MAGAts, something I’ve come to enjoy. Yay!
See, there’s always a bright side.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
I’m seeing more and more people online saying, “I voted for Donald Trump, but I didn’t vote to lose my job! I didn’t vote for a global trade war! I didn’t vote for Elon Musk to run amok, slashing government jobs and agencies! I didn’t vote for our allies to be set aside and alienated!
“I didn’t vote for this!”
What the fuck are you talking about? OF COURSE you voted for this!
You were perfectly happy with those things happening to OTHER people. It was only when the leopard began eating your face that suddenly, you changed your tune.
You get no sympathy from me. You wanted this and you voted for this.
So you sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. You need to feel the pain – all of it – because that appears to be the only way you can learn.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
If George Soros is the evil mastermind the MAGAts make him out to be, why isn’t he buying up elections, like Elon Musk and Peter Thiel?
Why isn’t he doing that?
Could it be he isn’t the evil mastermind the MAGAts make him out to be?
Could it be the MAGAts are full of shit?
I think that’s the most likely explanation.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
From now on, when I hear a so-called Christian, conservative, MAGAt, or Republican attack the LGBTQ community for “indoctrinating” our children to the gay “lifestyle,” or “grooming” children, I’m going to assume they’re hiding something. Because as often as not, they are.
Take, for instance, Mr. Corey DeAngelis, proud advocate of school choice and a member of the Cato Institute, a frequent LGBTQ critic on Fox News and, as it would seem, a former gay porn star who went by the name of Seth Rose during his performance in the unforgettable “Jerk Off Race” and another memorable feature.
When confronted with his past, Mr. DeAngelis did what all so-called Christians, conservatives, MAGAts and Republicans do when they are confronted with their hypocrisy: He denied, deflected, said he was misled and taken advantage of when he was younger – blah blah blah. They never own their mistakes. They always blame it on somebody else. And if they’re Christian, they usually try to tell you that because they have come clean with Jesus, who has forgiven them for past sins, they are now free to judge and condemn others.
Mr. DeAngelis is just one of a number of recent misbehaving so-called Christians, conservatives, MAGAts and Republicans. I suppose you’ve heard the rumor that Speaker of the House Mike Johnson has a Grindr profile (for those of you who don’t know, Grindr is a gay sex hook-up app). I don’t know if there’s any truth to that rumor but it wouldn’t surprise me. You may recall that last year, when the Republicans held their national convention in Wisconsin, so many of them were using Grindr they crashed the app.
Then there was the pastor of the mega-church who was arrested for molesting little girls, and who could forget the manager of the Chick-fil-A who allegedly drove hundreds of miles to have sex with an underage teenage boy?
I don’t know what it is about being a so-called Christian, conservative, MAGAt or Republican that represses these people to the point they publicly attack the very thing they’re doing behind the scenes, but I’m tired of being victimized by their psychological and behavioral dysfunction. They seem to traffick exclusively in misery, pain and suffering.
From now on, when I hear a so-called Christian, conservative, MAGAt or Republican attack the LGBTQ community, I’ll assume they’re doing it because their own lives are so goddamned miserable from hiding what they do in the shadows.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
It’s no surprise to anyone with half a brain that Donald Trump is now talking about a third term.
He shouldn’t have even been allowed to finish his first term. Didn’t he commit his first felony before leaving the inauguration platform?
And then a second term? My God, I still can’t believe a convicted felon was allowed to run for president. Makes you proud to be an American, right?
If he “serves” (himself) a third term, how old will he be? He already looks like the Crypt Keeper with a thyroid problem. He doesn’t need a nurse to take his blood pressure – he needs an archaeologist. He’s old enough to have owned slaves. And if he’s incontinent now, think what it’ll be like four years from now. The Secret Service will have to follow him around with a front-end loader filled with kitty litter.
Fortunately we won’t have to worry about a third term because there are a couple of significant obstacles in his way. For starters there’s the 22nd Amendment, which forbids anyone from serving a third term.
Some of the MAGAts have floated the idea of running JD Vance, Naval call-sign “Couch Fucker,” as president in 2028 with Trump as his running mate. On inauguration day Vance would step down and Trump would ascend to the throne.
Ah, but there’s a problem with that, too – the 12th Amendment, which says anybody unqualified to run for president is barred from the vice presidency. Of course we’ve known Humpty Trumpty was unqualified from Day 1 but a third of the country was too stupid to understand the memo.
It’s unlikely those amendments can be overturned. That would require the support of two thirds of the House, two thirds of the Senate, and three out of every four states. Not everyone has drunk Trump’s Toilet Bowl flavor of Kool-Aid, so the MAGAts will have to throw out the Constitution altogether to keep Trump in the Oval Office. By that time he’ll be a disembodied head floating in a vat of Trump Vegetable Soup.
Back in the early ’70s, when Richard Nixon was running for re-election, we had a little ditty that went something like this:
Richard Nixon in ’72,
Don’t change Dicks in the middle of a screw.
I haven’t thought of a limerick for Trump, but I’ll come up with something. Four more years of that human garbage disposal is bad enough, but eight?
Barf.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
In November 2000 Florida played a pivotal role in the election of George W. Bush as president of the United States.
On April 1, 2025, Florida can atone for that sin in a special election to fill two U.S. House seats. One is in District 6 and pits Democratic candidate Joshua Weil against Republican Randy Fine to fill the congressional seat vacated by Michael Waltz, who is now Donald Trump’s national security adviser. The other is in our own District 1, where Democrat Gay Valimont hopes to beat Republican Jimmy Patronis for the seat once held by Matt Gaetz, who resigned to be Trump’s attorney general.
If the Democrats win both seats they’ll reduce the Republican majority in the House to only three votes, which would severely constrain Trump’s efforts to steal our democracy.
I live in District 1 and I’ve looked into the candidacies of both Valimont and Patronis. You could not ask for a more stark contrast between two candidates.
Patronis has not once presented any idea or suggestion as to how he might represent the people of District 1 or make their lives better. All he has done is wrap himself in the flag of Donald Trump and blathered about how the Democrats hate MAGA.
Valimont, on the other hand, has a wealth of ideas.
For instance, she wants to locate a VA hospital in the Florida panhandle. That makes sense, given the panhandle’s large population of military personnel, both active duty and retired. To the west, in Escambia County, we have Pensacola Naval Air Station. In the county adjoining Escambia, Santa Rosa, lies Whiting Field, a Navy flight training school. To the far east is Tyndall Air Force Base. Here in Okaloosa County we have Eglin Air Force Base, the largest by area Air Force base in the world; Hurlburt Field, an Air Force special operations base; Duke Field, for the Air Force Reserve; an Army cantonment for the 7th Special Forces, and the Destin Coast Guard station at the foot of the Marler Bridge.
The nearest VA hospital is in Biloxi, Miss. My father, when he was being treated for cancer, had to drive to Biloxi, about 2½ hours west of Fort Walton Beach. The VA has a clinic at Eglin but not a hospital.
Valimont also wants to protect the military mission, from Eglin’s water test ranges to military benefits for both active duty and retired, and the F-35 program, which Trump has threatened to cut.
She also wants to reinstate President Joe Biden’s cap on insulin costs. When Biden was president, insulin was capped at $35 per dose. When Trump was elected he eliminated that cap and now insulin costs vary widely, depending on whether a patient has insurance, what kind of insurance they have, and who the insulin supplier is.
Valimont says she has a plan for reducing the cost of homeowner’s insurance by 25 percent. As you know, homeowner’s insurance is a very big deal here in the state of Florida, where hurricanes have driven up the costs of insuring a house to the point where many homeowners are simply going without. My policy runs me about $4,000 per year, so a 25 percent cut would save me about $1,000.
Democrats have a long tradition of looking out for the interests of Northwest Florida. Back when I was a kid, Bob Sikes, the old he-coon, protected the panhandle’s military mission and generally looked after the folks who live here. My impression is Valimont wants to fill a similar role.
So on April 1, 2025, I’ll be voting for Gay Valimont. If you live in Florida’s District 1 I hope you’ll do the same. If you live in District 6 please consider voting for Josh Weil.
Together, we can strike a blow for the preservation of freedom and democracy in this country.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .
Elon Musk. Image by Gage Skidmore. CC license
I think the honeymoon between Diaper Donnie and his master, Elon Musk, will come to an end sometime this year.
Musk is sinking in the polls faster than a Model 3 driven off a short pier. His approval rating is so low you’d need a front-end loader to excavate it. At some point Diaper Donnie will realize Musk is like an anchor, dragging him down, and he’ll cut him loose. That’s what Diaper Donnie does.
Musk deserves to be cut loose because he’s doing a terrible job. It’s almost comical. Were it not for Musk’s ego he could have looked to the recent past to see how a government efficiency campaign can be done correctly.
In the early 1990s, when Bill Clinton was elected, he appointed his vice president, Al Gore, to head up an effort to make the government more efficient and cost-effective. Gore formed a commission of experts to study the problem and get back to the president and Congress with a plan of action.
After months of examination, Gore and his National Performance Review staff presented a list of almost 400 recommendations for trimming agencies, combining services and cutting the federal workforce. The NPR report was made available to Congress and the president. It enjoyed bi-partisan support and received Clinton’s endorsement.
In the end, agencies were combined, others were eliminated, and almost 400,000 FTEs were trimmed from the federal workforce. The government saved so much money that Clinton and Congress were able to balance the budget – for years – and there were actually surpluses to pay down the debt.
Contrast that with Musk’s approach.
He didn’t hire a committee of experts. He threw together a bunch of college dropouts, teenage boys and former Twitter employees who went through the government workforce with a virtual chainsaw, firing workers en masse without even understanding their jobs or how they did them. In some cases the severances had to be reversed – at cost to the government – when Musk’s bottom boys discovered they had fired workers with critical responsibilities and irreplaceable knowledge resources essential to the operation of particular agencies.
DOGE has conducted its efforts without congressional oversight and Musk refuses to tell overseers what he’s doing or how he’s doing it. Communication of DOGE methods and intentions has been non-existent beyond a notorious press conference with a confused Diaper Donnie, where Musk spoke in vague platitudes and seemed to use his young son as stagecraft. The victims of DOGE’s bureaucratic clear-cutting have been treated like criminals – shown the door or offered buyouts under threat. Musk has made claims of waste, fraud and abuse that were later debunked, and he’s tossed out numbers that turned out to be erroneous. He has eliminated entities that exert regulatory control over his business interests, an outrageous conflict of interest that has gone unpunished by the current regime.
The result has been what you would expect – chaos, suspicion, acrimony and no small degree of fear on the part of federal employees facing the DOGE Sword of Damocles, and the American people, who wonder if their benefits will be eliminated and their private information auctioned off by this unelected foreign national currently hollowing out the federal government. By some accounts Musk’s circus has cost the American taxpayers over $500 billion – talk about waste, fraud and abuse!
All this is being “overseen” and encouraged by Il Duce, Diaper Donnie, who is hands down the worst president the lowing, bleating, blundering “electorate” of this country has ever allowed to enter the White House. In fact, there are no words to characterize the disaster that man represents. Our country will never be the same and that’s not a legacy to be proud of. If there was ever an argument for requiring a license to vote, Diaper Donnie is it.
But he could fix at least some of it. He’s fond of saying, “You’re fired.” Well, that’s exactly what he should say to Elon Musk and his troupe of Differin-addicted clown boys. Musk, and DOGE, have been an unmitigated disaster.
It’s past time to pull the plug.
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.
Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .