First-time homeowner? Here are five new ways for you to hurt yourself

I was told home ownership would teach me many new skills. That is true. I have learned many new ways to injure myself.

Lesson 1. You cannot make snow angels in the attic insulation. This fact has been scientifically validated by thousands of new homeowners who have gone into their parents’ attics to retrieve lost boxes of pots and pans and have accidentally slipped off beams that would’ve put the Flying Walendas to shame and have fallen into the treacherous sea of fiberglass beneath them.

Fiberglass is the earthly equivalent of “the earwig that ate its way through the man’s brain” in that episode of “Night Gallery.” First, it eats its way into your flesh, then it lays eggs, and then you die.

Lesson 2. Do not reach around a live iron unless you enjoy excruciating pain and disfigurement. The iron, as many homeowners already knew but didn’t tell the rest of us, is a torture device that happens to take wrinkles out of clothes. Most irons have four settings: “Wash and Wear,” “Cotton,” “Chernobyl” and “Hell.” Keep it on the lowest setting, even when it is unplugged, or you will char yourself and probably burn down the house.

Lesson 3: Do not shoot pool in your bare feet.

What does this have to do with home ownership? It so happens that after carting 20 carloads of junk across town in 95-degree heat, breaking his back to haul them into the house, dropping them on various appendages and causing permanent bone damage, the new homeowner is likely to say to heck with it and go off to the pool hall, where he may lose 19 games in a row and thump his cue stick to the floor in anger, missing the thousands of square feet of floor but striking perfectly the two square centimeters of his little toe, causing it to swell to the dimensions of a record-setting eggplant.

Lesson 4. Do not carry objects that might invalidate the warranty on your lower back.

File cabinets are notorious back-breakers. They enthusiastically obey the laws of gravity. They have drawers that slide open without warning and rend flesh unless you tilt them the OTHER way, which results in so many different kinds of back injuries that names have not been invented for some of them.

Lesson 5. Always vacuum – or better, mow – the shag carpeting before you walk barefoot in it.

Shag carpeting is preferred by bachelor homeowners because it conceals dirt so well you don’t have to clean it until you see signs of visible growth. Other shag-carpet treasures awaiting the adventuresome homeowner are slivers of glass that cannot be seen with the naked eye but can certainly be found with the naked foot, with only minimal blood loss.

These lessons precede the big-ticket injury items, such as power tools, but that’s another column.

This column was originally published in the Playground Daily News in 1986 and is used with permission.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .