Am I going to have fun on my vacation!

Photo courtesy of the Australian Institute of Marine Science

My ex-best friends Jim Shrine and Joann Schumann, who work here at the newspaper, recently returned from a vacation in Mexico.

They didn’t invite me, of course.

But that’s OK. I don’t mind. Really. Just because those two drain clogs go off to an exotic foreign country for a carefree week of sipping margaritas and reef diving, and leave me here to only dream about such a splendid vacation as I wile away my miserable existence waiting for my $2 Renuzit rebate to come in the mail so I can buy food for another month, well, that’s no reason for me to hold a grudge.

Besides, I’m going to have a fine vacation myself, right here in exotic Fort Walton Beach, a decision cheerfully made for me by my bank account. I’ve made plans for all kinds of exotic adventures during my week off, and I’m sure those two margarita-sipping, reef-diving debauchees will wish they’d never heard of Mexico.

This is my itinerary:

FRIDAY – I get new glasses. YAY! I have to pay for them. BOO! I get a haircut! YAY! I get skillions of little itchy hairs down my back. BOO!

SATURDAY – We’re going canoeing. For those of you who are not rugged outdoorsmen such as I and can’t, say, fell a redwood by gnawing through it, I should explain that a canoe is a boat-like object that you turn over, spilling everything inside the cooler and contributing to the massive Coldwater River beer deficit. This should be fun, as I am told snakes sometimes drop into the canoe, and married couples who cannot maneuver their canoes actually engage in the act of divorce, right there amid the natural splendor of the river!

SUNDAY – We’re having a combination pool-birthday party for Tracy Wenzel, Debbie Lord and Kris Wheeler, YAY! I really should buy them presents, BOO! How long does it take to wrap $5 worth of Pez?

MONDAY – Ray Aldridge and I shoot pool for the Championship of the Known Universe – if he doesn’t take his wife Nancy and his daughter April sailing on their new boat. I’m sure he will make the correct decision and shoot pool.

TUESDAY THROUGH WEDNESDAY – I rent TWO – count ’em – TWO VIDEOS, and make one of my special pizzas, what I call the Cholesterol Express Pizza. The folks at the video store had better save me a copy of “Fatal Attraction.”

THURSDAY – I’m going out to dinner with Sandy and Dave Jacobs – if they invite me. If not, I will probably sit at home, lonely and starving and wondering if I will ever again have a chance to pick up a menu written in a foreign language and place an order for goat nostril flaps.

FRIDAY – This will be a carefree day of scrubbing the toilet and waiting for the mail. Maybe a bill will come. Take that, you reef-diving, margarita swillers!

SATURDAY – For today I’ve scheduled those last-day-of-vacation blues. Maybe I’ll spend the day plotting ways to make Jim and Joann sorry they didn’t invite me to Mexico.

This column was published in the Thursday, July 14, 1988 edition of the Northwest Florida Daily News and is used with permission.

About the author:

Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra’s Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year’s Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone’s comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled “December” for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman’s Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone’s novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild’s award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”

Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida’s best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.

As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn’t look a day over 94.

Contact Del at [email protected]. He is also on Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, TikTok, and Instagram. Visit his website at delstonejr.com .