Hey Mr. Computer Man, is Mr. Computer up and running? If not, you might want to start running yourself
The four most terrifying words in the journalist’s lexicon are “THE-COMPUTER-IS-DOWN.”
Say these four words in any newsroom and eyes will roll back in sockets. Mouths will sag into screaming O’s.
The computer is to journalism what cheap beer is to journalism: We cannot function without it. Our every breath hinges on the wellbeing of Mr. Computer. Mr. Computer is aware of this and occasionally will take an unscheduled vacation to keep us properly servile.
Our last episode with Mr. Computer only confirmed a personal conviction I have adopted since the advent of calculators: With technology, we are painting ourselves into a corner.
Actually, I’m falsely maligning the computer. It was Mr. Air Conditioner who dropped the ball. Mr. Air Conditioner worked SO WELL that its lines froze and its mechanical heart stopped beating, and because Mr. Prima Donna Computer cannot function when the temperature in his personal suite rises above 78, we had to put out the newspaper through our sister newspaper in Panama City.
What a swell Monday.
It was swell because I got to drive my old car to Panama City. Picture this: no speedometer in the car, an excuse to drive fast, and a passenger who had not decided if I had a death wish or was just plain crazy. Gee whiz, that was fun. I haven’t had so much fun since I draped the snake around Mom’s neck.
We arrived at Panama City and the denizens of that newspaper regarded us with “well-there-goes-the-neighborhood” stares. All the time our computer technician was prattling, “Don’t worry. You’ll be able to use your own codes. Don’t worry. You’ll have access to your own stories.”
The rest of the night went like this:
COMPUTER MAN: We have to change the codes.
DEL: I am going to kill myself.
Later, COMPUTER MAN: We have to change the codes again, and you have to redo everything you have already done.
DEL: I am going to kill you before I kill myself.
Later, COMPUTER MAN: We have to change the codes a third time, and you have to redo a third time what you have already done twice.
DEL: I am going to kill you three times.
A story for the front page came out of Mr. Panama City Computer composed entirely of moons, stars and airplanes. The computer man thought it was hilarious, until he saw that I was attempting to figure out how to insert his head into an electric pencil sharpener.
At 1:15 a.m., we were finished … in many ways.
The next morning I called the newspaper and asked the computer man, “Is the computer up?”
“Yes. The air conditioner is fixed and the computer is running.
Good. He just saved his own life.
The column was published in the Playground Daily News in the 1980s and is used with permission.
The four most terrifying words in the journalist’s lexicon are “THE-COMPUTER-IS-DOWN.” Say these four words in any newsroom and eyes will roll back in sockets. Mouths will sag into screaming O’s. The computer is to journalism what cheap beer is… READ MORE
Mladen and Del review ‘Phase IV’
Image courtesy of Paramount Pictures.
“Phase IV” Starring Nigel Davenport, Michael Murphy, Lynne Frederick, Lots of Ants and others. Directed by Saul Bass. 84 minutes. Rated PG. Hulu, Prime. Mladen’s take “Phase IV,” lovingly built in 1974 with an admirable effort at incorporating animated and… READ MORE
Tornado!
This photo, taken Dec. 10, 1967, shows the path of a tornado through the Belaire Subdivision of Fort Walton Beach. Our house is at the bottom, slightly left of center.
I wrote this essay on March 25, 1972, which would have made me 16 years old at the time. TORNADO! We, being myself, my parents, my younger sister and at the time, my older sister, live in the town of… READ MORE
Could you survive a nuclear attack?
Note: I wrote the following piece when I was 16 years old. It is an everyday Saturday morning. You have just finished drinking your coffee and reading the paper, and you are now watching a television program for a few… READ MORE
Mladen and Del review: ‘Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb’
“Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb” Starring Peter Sellers, George C. Scott, Sterling Hayden, Keenan Wynn, James Earl Jones and Slim Pickens. Directed by Stanley Kubrick. 93 minutes. Rated “approved.” Mladen’s take Ever… READ MORE
Del and Mladen review ‘The Haunting’
Image courtesy of MGM.
“The Haunting” Starring Julie Harris, Claire Bloom, Richard Johnson, Russ Tamblyn, and Lois Maxwell. Directed by Robert Wise. 1 hour, 52 minutes. Rated G. Shudder. Del’s take The opening paragraph of Shirley Jackson’s “The Haunting of Hill House,” upon which… READ MORE
Del reviews ‘This Is Not a Test’
Image courtesy of GPA Productions.
“This Is Not a Test” Starring Seamon Glass, Thayer Roberts, Aubrey Martin, Mary Morlas, Michael Greene and others. Directed by Frederic Gadette. 1 hour, 13 minutes. Unrated. Streaming on YouTube, Internet Archive. Plot synopsis: A sheriff’s deputy sets up a… READ MORE
BIO
About the author:
Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone's stories, poetry and scripts have appeared in publications such as Amazing Stories, Eldritch Tales, and Bantam-Spectra's Full Spectrum. His short fiction has been published in The Year's Best Horror Stories XXII; Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine; the Pocket Books anthology More Phobias; the Barnes & Noble anthologies 100 Wicked Little Witch Stories, Horrors! 365 Scary Stories, and 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories; the HWA anthology Psychos; and other short fiction venues, like Blood Muse, Live Without a Net, Zombiesque and Sex Macabre. Stone's comic book debut was in the Clive Barker series of books, Hellraiser, published by Marvel/Epic and reprinted in The Best of Hellraiser anthology. He has also published stories in Penthouse Comix, and worked with artist Dave Dorman on many projects, including the illustrated novella “Roadkill,” a short story for the Andrew Vachss anthology Underground from Dark Horse, an ashcan titled "December" for Hero Illustrated, and several of Dorman's Wasted Lands novellas and comics, such as Rail from Image and “The Uninvited.” Stone's novel, Dead Heat, won the 1996 International Horror Guild's award for best first novel and was a runner-up for the Bram Stoker Award. Stone has also been a finalist for the IHG award for short fiction, the British Fantasy Award for best novella, and a semifinalist for the Nebula and Writers of the Future awards. His stories have appeared in anthologies that have won the Bram Stoker Award and the World Fantasy Award. Two of his works were optioned for film, the novella “Black Tide” and short story “Crisis Line.”
Stone recently retired after a 41-year career in journalism. He won numerous awards for his work, and in 1986 was named Florida's best columnist in his circulation division by the Florida Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2001 he received an honorable mention from the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association for his essay “When Freedom of Speech Ends” and in 2003 he was voted Best of the Best in the category of columnists by Emerald Coast Magazine. He participated in book signings and awareness campaigns, and was a guest on local television and radio programs.
As an addendum, Stone is single, kills tomatoes and morning glories with ruthless efficiency, once tied the stem of a cocktail cherry in a knot with his tongue, and carries a permanent scar on his chest after having been shot with a paintball gun. He’s in his 60s as of this writing but doesn't look a day over 94.
About the author: Del Stone Jr. is a professional fiction writer. He is known primarily for his work in the contemporary dark fiction field, but has also published science fiction and contemporary fantasy. Stone’s stories, poetry and scripts have appeared… READ MORE
Mladen and Del review ‘The Magnetic Monster’
Image courtesy of United Artists.
“The Magnetic Monster” Starring Richard Carlson, King Donovan, Jean Byron, and others. Directed by Curt Siodmak and Herbert L. Strock. Writers Curt Siodmak and Ivan Tors. 76 minutes. Rating: Approved. Amazon Prime. Mladen’s take The Atomic Age fuses with a… READ MORE
Del reviews ‘Red Planet Mars’
Image courtesy of United Artists.
Del reviews ‘Red Planet Mars’ “Red Planet Mars” Starring Peter Graves, Andrea King and Herbert Berghof. Directed by Harry Horner. 87 minutes. Rated approved. Del’s take Maybe you’ve noticed I’m reviewing more Netflix, Prime and Hulu offerings these days. That’s… READ MORE
